“Watch the color, don’t lose sight of it.”
She concentrated, thinking of the cloud, recalling the glamour to her. Once it had always been there, but now she had to force it. She felt the cloud gathering around her.
She became invisible.
Richard continued to stare at the place she had been as she moved away, unseen by him, walking to the other side of the bed.
It was always thus, like stripping in front of strangers, like those dreams of nakedness in public places. The half-guilty surge of sexual arousal, the sweet desire of becoming vulnerable. The first time you showed your glamour was always like first sex, a sudden revelation of a new self, a sacrifice, a loss of defense. Yet invisibility was secure, a concealment and a hiding, a power and a curse. Once before there had been a first time with Richard, but because he had forgotten, because his mind had been changed, there was this second first time, and the heady, sensual abandonment was there again.
She said, “Do you remember the time you saw Niall?”
And Richard turned his head sharply, a shocked expression on his face, and he looked toward the place where now she stood, invisible to him.
Part V
I
I thought I had seen you first, but Niall was always quicker than me. He had said nothing, but the moment I noticed you he was aware of that.
He said, “Come on, let’s find another pub.”
“I want to stay here.”
It was a Saturday evening and the pub was crowded. All the tables were occupied, and many people stood in the spaces between, clustering around the bar itself. The room had a low ceiling, and cigarette smoke was thick in the air, blending with your cloud. If I had seen you earlier I had not actually noticed you, and in your seeming normality you had been paradoxically invisible to me.
I watched you from our table with all the fascination that like has for like. The woman you were with must have been a girlfriend, one you had not known long. You were trying to please her, making her laugh, paying her attention, but never touching her. She appeared to like you and smiled a lot, nodding whenever you spoke. She was a normal, and did not know what I already knew. In a sense I felt I already possessed a part of you, even though you were unaware of me. I felt predatory and excited, and waited for you to see me and recognize me.
Niall and I were both invisible that night, sitting at a small table just behind the main door, sharing it with two normals. They had not noticed us. Earlier, before I saw you, Niall and I had been arguing about his behavior. There was always something immature about him, and he had stolen a cigarette from the man’s packet and used his matches to light it. It was a petty, stupid thing to do, the sort of casual trick Niall played as a matter of habit. He also insisted on getting all the drinks at the bar, going behind the counter and helping himself. He knew that if I went for the drinks I would make myself temporarily visible, wait with everyone else, and pay for them. He always interpreted this, rightly, as a gesture of resistance to him, a way of showing that for me the glamour was a partial option.
Watching you, I was wondering if you would see me. You were wholly preoccupied with your girlfriend, though, and if you glanced around the bar you did so with general eyes, looking without seeing. I thought you were very handsome, very attractive.
Niall said, “He’s only incipiently glamorous, Susan. Don’t waste your time.”
I could not stop watching you, because it was that incipient quality that interested me. It seemed possible that you did not know, that you were only partially invisible. Your confidence in yourself was unlike any I had ever seen in an invisible, with the possible exception of Niall.
He was drinking heavily, and was pressing me to keep up with him. He relished drunkenness, lapsing into it like all the others. Sometimes when Niall was very drunk even I could barely see him. His cloud became dense, impenetrable, obscuring him.
I continued to stare at you. You were drinking moderately, obviously wanting to keep your wits about you, saving yourself for later in the evening when you would be alone with her. How I envied the woman you were with! Your cloud was thickening as the drink made you relax.
I said to Niall, “I’ll get the next round.”
Before he could argue I walked across to you and stood deliberately between you and your girlfriend, pretending to wait to be served by the bartender. You shifted your position to see around me, knowing subconsciously that I was there but failing to notice me. I was invisible to you, but standing so close I could feel my cloud mingling with yours, a deeply sensual imagining.
I moved away, satisfied for the moment, then went behind the counter to help myself to drinks. When I had poured them I put the money in the till, then carried the glasses back to our table.
“What were you doing, Susan?”
“I wanted to know if he could see me.”
“You took too long.”
“I’m just going to the Ladies’.”
I left him again, thinking of the dullness in his eyes after so many pints of beer. As I crossed the room I made myself become visible, and went into the Ladies’. When I came out I walked across to you and stood beside you. Now that I was visible I could barely see your cloud, but I was almost as close as before. Then you noticed me at last, and eased back slightly.
You said, “Sorry … are you trying to get to the bar?”
“No. It’s all right. I just wondered if you would have change for the cigarette machine?”
“The bar staff will change it for you.”
“Yes, but they’re busy at the moment.”
You reached into your pocket and brought out a handful of coins, but there were not enough to exchange for a pound. I smiled at you and walked away, knowing you had seen me properly. Still visible, I sat down next to Niall.
“Will you quit doing this, Susan?”
“I’m not doing anything wrong.”
I felt defiant. I was looking across the bar at you, hoping you would look in my direction. I was excited and nervous, feeling like a teenager again. For the first time since I had met him I did not feel intimidated by Niall. He always took me for granted, knowing that I disliked most of the other invisibles, that meeting a normal person was virtually impossible. But I had never made secret my wish for something better, and seeing you made me reckless.
I felt myself slipping back into invisibility, and as the change was completed Niall said, “Finish your drink. We’re leaving.”
“I’m going to stay a bit longer.”
“You’re wasting your time. He’s not one of us.”
Niall had already finished his drink and was anxious to get away and take me with him. He knew I often saw other men I found attractive, but because they were normals he felt safe from them. You were less clouded than any other invisible I had ever seen; Niall called you incipient, but I knew you simply weren’t aware of the glamour. You appeared to be integrated into the real world, and it was this that excited me.
I too was then only partially invisible, just under the surface of normality, able to rise to visibility if I made the effort. Niall had no such choice: he was deeply invisible, profoundly lost from the world of normal people, and so he would have known immediately what you represented to me. You were the next transitional stage.
Concentrating, I forced myself into visibility again, deliberately challenging him.
“Come on, Susan. We’re leaving.”
“You go,” I said. “I’m staying here.”
“I’m not leaving without you.”
“Then do what you like.”
“Don’t fuck around with me. There’s nothing you can do about him.”