I was silent all through breakfast, and stayed deep inside my terrified introspections as we drove along the straight roads that crossed the Fens.
Then you said, “I’d like an apple. Do we have any left?”
“I’ll look,” I managed to say.
I turned around in my seat, pulling against the restraint of the seat belt, something I had done many times in the last few days, but this time I was shaking with fear.
The paper bag containing the apples was on the part of the passenger seat directly behind you. Everything else was there, heaped into a pile on that side: the maps, your jacket, my holdall, the shopping bag with the food for our picnic lunch. It was all on the one side of the bench seat: every time we put the stuff behind us we instinctively placed it there, leaving the other side empty.
There was room for a passenger.
I forced myself to look at the place, behind my seat. The cushions were slightly indented, bearing weight.
Niall was in the car with us.
I said to you, “Can you stop the car, Richard?”
“What’s the matter?”
“Please—I’m feeling sick. Hurry!”
You pulled the car over at once, running it up on the verge. The moment it stopped I scrambled out, still holding your apple. I staggered away from the car, feeling weak, shaking all over. There was a rising bank, a low hedge, and beyond was an immense flat field with crops. I leaned forward into the hedge, the thorns and sticks prodding into me. You had switched off the engine, and you came running to me. I felt your arm around my shoulders, but I was shuddering and crying. You were saying soothing things, but the horror of what I had just discovered was throbbing through me. As you held me I thrust myself forward and down against the hedge, and vomited.
You brought some tissues from the car, and I wiped myself clean with them. I had moved back from the hedge, but I could not turn to face the car.
“What shall we do, Sue? Do you want to find a doctor?”
“I’ll be all right in a few minutes. It’s my period. It sometimes happens like this.” I couldn’t tell you the truth. “I just needed some air.”
“Do you want to stay here?”
“No, we can drive on. In a while.”
I had some magnesia tablets in my bag, and you brought me those. They helped settle my stomach. I sat down in the dry grass, staring at the stalks of cow parsley nodding around and above me, insects drifting in the heat. Cars rushed by on the road behind us, their tires making a sucking sound on the soft tarmac. I could not make myself look back, knowing Niall was there.
He must have been with us from the start. He had probably stayed to overhear me speak to you in the pub, had been with us on our first dates, had been with us in the car from the time we left London. He had been there, silent behind us, watching and listening. I had never been free of him.
I knew that he was forcing me to act. To have for myself the normal life I craved, I had to put Niall behind me forever. I could not go back to that morbid, vagrant life of the glams. Niall wanted to drag me back; he sought nothing less. Niall was the worst of that past, hopelessly and despairingly holding on to me.
I had to fight him. Not at that moment—the shock of discovery was still too fresh—and probably not alone. I would need you to help me.
I waited in the grass while you crouched beside me. A few minutes earlier the thought of getting back in the car, knowing Niall was there, would have been out of the question, but now I knew it would be the first necessary stage.
“I’m feeling a little better,” I said. “Shall we drive on?”
“Are you sure?”
You helped me up, and we embraced lightly. I said I was sorry to cause a fuss, that it wouldn’t happen again, that as soon as the period actually started I would feel a lot better … but over your shoulder I was looking at the car. Reflected sunlight glinted from the rear passenger window.
We walked back to the car, took our seats and strapped ourselves in. I tried to listen for the sound of the door behind me, in case Niall too had been outside while we halted, but an invisible can use a door without being detected.
When we were back on the road, I steeled myself and turned to look at the back seat. I knew he was there, could feel the presence of his cloud … but it was impossible to see him. I could look at our untidy pile of maps and food, could see to the luggage compartment behind, but when I tried to look at the seat directly behind mine, my eyes would not settle, my sight was diverted away. There was just the unseen presence, the suggestion of weight compressing the seat cushion. After that I stared straight ahead at the road, constantly aware of him being there, looking at me, looking at you.
XII
We stayed overnight in Great Malvern, the hotel built in a beautiful position on the side of the hills overlooking the town. The Vale of Evesham spread away beneath us. I had said and done nothing about Niall all day, trying to establish my priorities. I came back time and again to you, who had so suddenly become the most important person in my life. How could I ever begin to tell you about Niall? And what future would we have if he continually followed us?
The decision I came to was to act as if Niall were not there, suppress the thoughts of him. But it was impossible to act on such a decision: all through the evening as we walked on the hills, then drove into the town for a meal, I instinctively steered the conversation away from anything personal. Of course, you were aware of this.
Later, when we went up to the hotel bedroom, I took the room key away from you and opened the door myself. You walked in first, and I followed quickly, pushing the door closed suddenly. I was rewarded with the feeling of weight pressing against it from outside, but I shoved the door into place and locked it. There was no bolt. Locked doors presented no barrier to Nialclass="underline" he could steal a master key, and later enter the room without either of us noticing. But that would take him several minutes, which was all I needed.
I said, “Richard, I’ve got to talk to you about something.”
“What’s going on, Sue? You’ve been acting strangely all evening.”
“I’m upset, and I’ve got to be frank with you. I told you about Niall. Well, he’s here.”
“What do you mean, he’s here?”
“He’s in Malvern. I saw him this evening when we were walking.”
“I thought you said he was in France.”
“I never know where he is. He told me he was going to France, but he must have changed his mind.”
“But what the hell is he doing here? Has he followed us?”
“I don’t know … it must be a coincidence. He’s always traveling around to see friends.”
“I don’t see it makes any difference,” you said. “What are you saying, that he should join us for the rest of the trip?”
“No.” It was painful having to lie, but how could I tell the whole truth? “He’s seen us together. I’ll have to talk to him, tell him what’s happening with you and me.”
“If he’s seen us he’ll already know. What’s the point of saying any more? We’re leaving in the morning, and won’t see him again.”
“You don’t understand! I can’t do that to him. I’ve known him for too long—I can’t just walk out on him.”
“But you already have, Sue.”
Trying to see it from your point of view I knew I was being unreasonable, but the only way I could present Niall to you was as a possessive former lover, accidentally encountered. We argued on for an hour or more, both of us getting depressed and entrenched. Niall must have entered the room at some point during it all, but I could not allow the fear of him to influence me. At last we went to bed, worn out by the impasse. I felt safer in the darkness, and we held on to each other under the sheets. Because my period had actually started in the afternoon we did not make love, nor did we wish to.