I had another restless night, the problem churning away in my mind. Like all obsessive thoughts that keep you awake, no solution presented itself beyond the resolve to confront Niall as soon as possible.
I was awake at half-past six, and I decided to act. I left you asleep in bed, got dressed, then walked quickly from the hotel.
It was already a fine, warm morning. Knowing it made no difference where I went to find Niall, I walked up the hill, following the long straight road as it climbed away from the town. At the top there were a few houses, then the road turned sharply to cut between two steep cliffs to the other side of the hill. I scrambled up one of the mounds and walked across the broad summit. Rocks protruded from the grass. It was utterly still and quiet.
I found a flat rock and sat down on it, staring across Herefordshire.
I said, “Are you there, Niall?”
Silence. Sheep grazed on the slopes beneath me, and a solitary car drove up the road then cut through the gap toward Malvern.
“Niall? I want to talk to you.”
“I’m here, bitch.” His voice came from a short distance away, somewhere to my left. He sounded out of breath.
“Where are you? I want to see you.”
“We can talk like this.”
“Make yourself visible, Niall.”
“No … you make yourself invisible.”
He made me realize that I had been continuously visible for more than a week, the longest time since puberty. It had happened so naturally that I had simply not thought about it.
“I’m going to stay like this,” I said.
“Suit yourself.”
He had moved; his voice came from a different place each time he spoke. I was trying to see him, knowing there was always a way to find the cloud if only I knew how to see. But I had been with you too long, or Niall had retreated too far into his glamour. I imagined him prowling around, circling as I sat on the rock. I stood up.
“Why won’t you leave me alone, Niall?”
“Because you’re fucking with Grey. I’m trying to make you quit.”
“Leave us alone! I’m finished with you. I’m never going to see you again.”
“I’ve already arranged that for you, Susan.”
He was still moving around, sometimes behind me. If only he had stayed still I would not have grown so frightened.
I said, “Don’t interfere, Niall. It’s over between us!”
“You’re a glam. It’ll never work with him.”
“I’ll never be like you! I hate you!”
It was then that he struck me, a hard fist coming out of the air, banging against the side of my head. I lurched backward gasping, trying to keep my balance, reaching behind me as my foot struck a rock and I fell heavily on the ground. An instant later Niall kicked me, high up on my leg by my hip. I shouted with the pain and curled up desperately in a fetal position, my arms over my head. I braced myself against more pain.
But I heard him right beside me, leaning down so that his invisible mouth was close by my ear. I smelt the sourness of old tobacco on his breath.
“I’m never going to leave you, Susan. You’re mine, and I’m helpless without you. I’m not going to leave you until you finish with Grey.”
His hand thrust roughly into the front of my blouse, and he tore and scratched at my breast. I hunched myself tighter and squirmed away from him, forcing him to remove his hand but ripping the fabric at the front.
He said, still by my face, “You haven’t told him about me yet. Tell him you’re an invisible, tell him you’re mad.”
“No!”
“If you don’t, I will.”
“You’ve done enough harm already.”
“I’ve hardly started. Would you like me to grab the steering wheel when he’s driving?”
“You’re crazy, Niall!”
“No more than you are, Susan. We’re both mad. Make him understand that, and if he still wants you then maybe I’ll leave you alone.”
I sensed him move away from me, but I stayed huddled on the ground, terrified of more blows. Niall had often hit me in the past when he was angry, but never like this, never from within the cloud. I was still dazed from being hit on the head, and my leg and back were aching. I let more time pass and then sat up slowly, looking around for him. How close was he?
I was desperate to talk to you, wanted your comfort, but what would you say? Sitting on the ground I explored the damage to me: there was a sore area on my lower back and a bruised lump on my thigh. I had a grass graze on my elbow. The front of my blouse was hanging open, and two buttons were missing.
I wandered around on the hill for a while, but soon my need to be with you became all-important. I limped slowly down the road toward the hotel, holding my blouse together with my hand. It was uncanny how Niall could voice my worst fears: never before had he described invisibility as madness. It was as if he had read my mind.
I saw you the moment I entered the hotel grounds. You had opened the rear hatch of the car and were putting your suitcase inside. I called out to you, but you did not hear. Then I realized that in my misery I had slipped back into invisibility—another of Niall’s achievements. I forced myself out of the cloud and called to you again. This time you heard me, straightening by the car and turning toward me, and I ran sobbing into your arms.
XIII
You knew I had seen Niall; I could not conceal it from you. I tried to minimize what he had done, but I could not hide my torn clothes and bruises. In the end I admitted he had struck me in jealousy, and that the problem was not solved. I think I would have been ready for you too to have been angry, but you were as upset as I was. We stayed on all morning in the Malvern hotel discussing Niall—but always in your terms, not mine.
We left the hotel after an early lunch and drove into Wales. Niall was in the car, sitting behind us silently.
We stopped on the way to buy petrol, and for a few moments I was alone in the car with Niall.
I said, “I’ll tell him tomorrow.”
Silence.
“Are you there, Niall?”
I had turned around to look back at the empty half of the rear seat, but again I was unable to see. Outside, the petrol pump whirred, electronic digits flickering orange in the sunlight. You were crouching over the filler, looking back at the pump, just a few inches behind Niall. You saw me apparently looking at you, and you smiled briefly.
When you turned away again I said, “It’s what you wanted … I’ll tell Richard tomorrow.”
Niall said nothing, but I knew he was there. His silence intimidated me, probably on purpose, so I opened the door and got Out of the car. I leaned on the front wing while you paid the cashier.
We arrived in the village of Little Haven, on the far westerly coast of Dyfed. It was a small and pretty place, not crowded with visitors, and had a long rocky shoreline. In the evening we walked on the beach to watch the sunset, then called in at the local pub before returning to the hotel.
There was now a distance between us. You could not understand why I had agreed to meet Niall, nor why, after he had beaten me up, I would not renounce him. I knew you were hurt, puzzled and angry. I was desperate to mend everything. Niall’s way, to tell you of my invisibility, was the probable solution: it would satisfy him, and explain myself to you.
But I was exhausted by the subject. I wanted time to sort things out, so that anything I said came from my needs, and was not simply a way of appeasing Niall. I resolved to tell you in the morning, but in the meantime I had other plans.