'Savages would be too much to hope for,' said Rincewind, watching the huts carefully.
'You want to find savages?' said Ridcully.
Rincewind sighed. 'I am the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography, sir. In an unknown situation, always hope for savages. They tend to be quite polite and hospitable provided you don't make any sudden moves or eat the wrong sort of animal.'
'Wrong sort of animal?' said Ridcully.
'Taboo, sir. They tend to be related. Or something.'
'That sounds rather ... sophisticated,' said Ponder suspiciously.
'Savages often are,' said Rincewind. 'It's the civilised people that give you trouble. They always want to drag you off somewhere and ask you unsophisticated questions. Edged weapons are often involved. Trust me on this. But these aren't savages, sir.'
'How can you tell?'
'Savages build better huts,' said Rincewind firmly. 'These are edge people.'
'I've never heard of edge people!' said Ridcully.
'I made it up,' said Rincewind. 'I run into them occasionally. People that live right on the edge, sir. Out on rocks. In the worst kind of desert. No tribe or clan. That takes too much effort. Of course, so does beating up strangers, so they're the best kind of people to meet.'
Ridcully looked around at the swamp. 'But there's waterfowl everywhere,' he said. 'Birds. Eggs.
Lots of fish, I'll be bound. Beavers. Animals that come down to drink. I could eat myself greasy to the eyebrows here. This is good country.'
'Hold on, one of them's coming out.' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
A stooping figure had emerged from a hut. It straightened up, and stared around. Huge nostrils flared.
'Oh my, look what just fell out of the ugly tree,' said the Dean. 'Is it a troll?'
'He's certainly a bit rugged,' said Ridcully. 'And why is he wearing boards?'
'I think he's just not very good at tanning hides,' said Rincewind.
The enormous shaggy head turned towards the wizards. The nostrils flared again.
'He smelled us,' said Rincewind, and started to turn. A hand grabbed the back of his robe.
'This is not a good time to run away, Professor,' said Ridcully, lifting him off the ground in one hand. 'We know you're good at languages. You get on with people. You have been chosen to be our ambassador. Do not scream.'
'Besides, the thing looks like cruel and unusual geography,' said the Dean, as Rincewind was thrust out of the bushes.
The big man watched him, but made no attempt to attack.
'Go on!' hissed the bushes. 'We need to find out when we are!'
'Oh, right,' said Rincewind, eyeing the giant cautiously. 'And he's going to tell me, is he? He's got a calendar, has he?'
He advanced carefully, hands up to show that he didn't have a weapon. Rincewind was a great believer in not being armed. It made you a target.
The man had obviously seen him. But he didn't seem very excited about it. He watched Rincewind as someone might watch a passing cloud.
'Er ... hello,' said Rincewind, stopping just out of range. 'Me big fella Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography belong Unseen University, you ... oh dear, you haven't even discovered washing, have you? Either that or it's the clothes belong you. Still, no obvious weapons. Er ...'
The man took a few steps forward and tugged the hat off Rincewind's head in one quick movement.
'Hey—!'
What was visible of the big face broke into a grin. The man turned the hat this way and that.
Sunlight sparkled off the word 'Wizzard' in cheap sequins.
'Oh, I see,' said Rincewind. 'Pretty glitter. Well, that's a start ...'
BLIND MAN WITH LANTERN
The wizards are now beginning to understand that, while you can eliminate evil by eliminating extelligence, the result can be about as interesting as watching daytime television. Their plan to stop the elves interfering with human evolution has worked, but they don't like the result. It is bland and unintelligent. It has no spark of creativity.
How did human creativity arise? By now you won't be surprised to learn that it came from stories. Let's take a closer look at the current scientific view of human evolution, and fill in that gap between R-O-C-K and the space elevator.
An elf, observing Earth's landmasses 25 million years ago, would have seen vast areas of forest.
From the hills of northern India to Tibet and China, and down into Africa, these forests held a great variety of small apes, ranging from about half the size of chimpanzees to the size of gorillas. The apes were at home on the ground and in the lower branches of the forest, and they were so common that today we have many fossils of them. In addition, the Old World monkeys were starting to diversify in the upper levels of the forest. Earth was a Monkey Planet.
But also a Snake Planet, a Big Cat Planet, a Nematode Planet, an Alga Planet and a Grass Planet.
Not to mention Plankton Planet, Bacterium Planet and Virus Planet. The elf might not have noticed that the African apes had produced several ground-dwelling kinds, not very different from the monkey-derived baboons. And it might also have failed to spot the presence of gibbons in the high branches, alongside the monkeys. These creatures were not particularly remarkable against a background of spectacular large mammals like rhinoceroses, a variety of forest elephants, bears. But we humans are interested in them, because they were our ancestors.
We call them 'woods-apes', dryopithecines. Some, known as Ramapithecus, were of lighter build
-the jargon is 'gracile'. Others, such as Sivapithecus, were big and strong -'robust'. The lineage of Sivapithecus was the one that led to orangutans. These early apes would have been shy, morose creatures like today's wild apes, occasionally playful, but the adults would have been very belligerent and conscious of status within the group.
The forests inhabited by the woods-apes slowly dwindled as the climate cooled and dried, and grasslands -savannah country -took over. There were ice ages, but in the region of the tropics these did not reduce temperatures severely. However, they did change the patterns of rainfall.
The monkeys thrived, producing many ground-living kinds like baboons and vervets, and the ape populations got smaller.
By ten million years ago, there were few apes left. There are almost no fossil apes from that period. It seems plausible that, as now and as previously, those apes that did still exist were forest creatures. Some, like today's chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans, were probably common in a few locations in the forests, but you'd have needed a lot of luck to find them. The observing elf might, even then, have put all of these apes on its Endangered List of Earth Mammals. Like very nearly all animal groups that had evolved, the forest apes were soon to be history rather than ecology. The common ancestor of humans and chimpanzees was, then, a not very remarkable ape that probably lived much as the different chimpanzees do now: some in flooded forest like today's bonobos, some in rain-forest, and some in fairly open woodland grading into grasslands. The gorilla lineage separated from the other apes around this time.
At first, the elf would probably not have been very interested as -according to one of the two popular theories of human origins - a new kind of ape began to evolve a more upright stance than those of its relatives, lost its hair, and moved out on to the savannah. Many other mammals did the same; there was a new kind of living to be made on the great grass plains. Giant hyenas, massive wild dogs, lions and cheetahs made a good living from the vast herds of herbivores that lived on the productive savannah grasses; the giant pythons were probably originally savannah animals, too.
The story has been told many times, in many versions. And that's just the point: we understand our ancestry through story. We wouldn't be able to work out our ancestry from the fossils that we have discovered unless we'd learned just what clues to look for, especially since few fossil sites have enough evidence left.