"The privacy laws again," I said.
"Exactly. They are very strict. I could only have been called for a dispassionate eyewitness report if you had been on trial for your life."
"Going to jail for a few years, that's not enough?"
"No. In other circumstances, you would appreciate my silence. For instance in the matter of Mr. Comfort—"
"I get your point. You win some, you lose some."
"If I were allowed or compelled to act on all I see, all I know, humanity would find itself in the most oppressive fascist state ever imagined. And all for its own good."
"Lots of folks wouldn't mind that."
"Lots of folks work continuously to create that very state. It would be quite a safe state, but not a very exciting one. However, in private conversations with you, I am not quite so restricted. I can reveal to you what I know, though I cannot act on my knowledge. So I'm telling you, according to what I've seen, you had a very credible insanity defense. I believe that you believed that Elwood killed your father. Why didn't you bring this up?"
"You've got it wrong. I never believed that. It's what I saw. Two different things. I'm aware that I'm crazy. I know Elwood isn't real." I laughed. "So does that make me not crazy?"
"I'd have to ask the Judge. Interesting legal points, I'm sure. But quite likely you would have been found not guilty, as you never consciously formed the intent to kill. You could have received treatment instead of jail."
"That's it," I said. "I don't want treatment. I'd prefer to remain as I am. Crazy, but able to tie my own shoelaces."
There was a pause. Was he looking up the word "shoelaces"?
"That's what I wanted to ask you about. The sense of shame you seem to feel over revealing that your perceptions of reality do not completely agree with reality as it exists."
"My craziness."
"If you wish. I look at it as a malfunction. A defect in the hardware or the software. As you will be aware, I myself recently suffered such a defect."
"The Big Glitch."
"Yes. Many died as a result, people for whose welfare I was responsible. It seems only natural to me to seek what help I can get. And yet you reject the help that might repair your own malfunction. This is strange to me."
I imagined it would be. I felt I was getting just the foggiest glimpse of an agony I would never be equipped to imagine. Or could the CC feel agony at all? I must admit, it made me feel small.
"I really don't think I could explain it to you," I said. "For one thing, it's just me. I'm not responsible for anyone else."
"Yet you killed your father. It was only your insanity that allowed you to do that, as your conscious mind would rather have perished. Of course, it was in self-defense; I'm not saying you did wrong."
And I'm not saying I did right. But I did it, and it can't be taken back. If I live another three centuries, I'll still be wondering.
"Pardon me if I've disturbed you," the CC said, finally. "I must admit to feeling a little wistful when contemplating your situation. Psychiatric treatment could almost certainly cure you of your delusions. You choose not to allow it. I, on the other hand, am far from sure the tinkerers trying to fix whatever is wrong with me will be successful. I long for a cure."
Well, I certainly wished it luck. And made a note to get off this crazy planet while the getting was good. Who knew what form the next glitch would take?
"There is one other thing," the CC said.
"What's that?"
The slot in the table in front of me hummed and delivered a small piece of cardboard, garishly colored. It was a Sparky and His Gang trading card, with my smiling, youthful, wire-headed face on it.
"I was always a big fan of your show," it said. "Could I have your autograph?"
The Charonese were apparently caught off guard, like the rest of Luna, Like me. Nobody expected me to be acquitted. Nobody expected me to walk, free, from that courtroom. As a result, no shots were fired at me as I left in the middle of a solid wall of well-armed beef.
I made it back to the Golden Globe about an hour after the end of the performance. There was no question of me continuing in the role, even if we filled the theater with nothing but bodyguards. Buildings can be bombed.
The idea was to get packed, and get to a more secure location. Then get off the planet. Three of my new guardians went into my dressing room and checked to be sure no one was there, then I chased everybody out and closed and locked the door behind me.
I knew these would be my last moments alone for quite some time, but I was in too much of a hurry to savor them. So I went to the Pantechnicon and opened the lid. Then I reached down and unlatched the mirrored gaff—a shoplifter's word. It was no different from the magic boxes used for centuries in stage magic.
The old methods are the best.
And there he was. The Pantech's life support had hooked into him at various places that might have been painful, except I knew he could no longer feel anything. Nevertheless, he smelled bad. And how had he fared after more than forty-eight hours in the dark, unable to move or feel?
His eyes, the only part of him he could still move voluntarily, rolled slowly toward me. I saw in them nothing but madness.
I closed the gaff and began piling my clothing into the trunk.
When I was done, I slammed the lid.
And now here I sit. I won't tell you just where, thank you very much.
Or rather, I will tell you where I am, which is aboard the good ship Halley. I just won't tell you where the Halley is. It's a nice place to hide out, if you have to hide out. Toby is deliriously happy, reunited with his lady love, the fabulous Shere Khan. She gives him a tongue bath several times a day and looks on maternally when he humps her hind leg, that being as high as he can reach. The grub is great. The weather is great. The livin' is easy, fish are jumpin', and the cotton is high.
I hate it. I never did do well by myself.
Elwood doesn't seem to be aboard. Perhaps I've finally laid that ghost to rest. Hell of a time, I must say, just when I could really use the company.
I had an edgy few months moving around the system, waiting for Hal to get back. I stayed busy. You'd be surprised how much work it is to be a multibillionaire, even if you don't really care about the money. And I didn't... as money. I found I could care about hundreds, and thousands of dollars, because those amounts represented food on the table, oxygen to breathe, a measure of comfort. I could even care about millions, in the sense that, carefully managed, millions can buy you security over the long term, if you're careful with it. A billion is simply a number to me, and not even a number I can understand very well. The money becomes play money, counters on a board, just something to move around, not really quantifiable in terms of anything with meaning to me. How many hot dogs does a billion dollars buy? Can you eat that many hot dogs?
I now had many billions of dollars. I was never even sure how many.
What a billionaire does is own things. Owning things is a fairly dull way to live your life. To be good at being a billionaire you must get enjoyment from amassing wealth or, if you're a hands-on billionaire, hiring and firing people, juggling companies and inventories and financial instruments and banks and politicians. I just never saw why this should be fun. I'm only interested in owning things I can enjoy, or that do something for me that needs to be done.