"Go ahead," Polly says.
"Nah," says Sparky. "She wouldn't be interested."
"Of course I'd be interested," I say. "What is it?"
Sparky studies me dubiously for a moment, then shrugs, and looks at me with a perfectly straight face.
"Are boogers and snot the same thing?" he asks.
"Are..." I close my mouth. I am determined not to laugh. But pretty soon Polly starts to howl, and Sparky joins in. So I do, too.
"No, really," Sparky says. "We've made a list of thirty-five things that can come out of the human body. Without, you know, surgery."
"Only it may be thirty-six," Polly says.
"If boogers and snot are different things. See, we decided plaque, tartar, and calculus are different. But toenails and fingernails are the same."
"We're not counting babies," Polly adds. "And eight of the things are different kinds of hair."
"There wasn't a very good definition of snot in the dictionary."
"Or boogers."
So I think it over and I tell them I think they must be different. Polly looks smugly at Sparky, who sticks out his tongue. Polly gets back to her drawing.
"See," Sparky says, "we decided we need a really good bad guy. If you know what I mean."
I certainly did. The Sparky show had been limping along almost a year now, and that was one of many things that hadn't been very well-defined. Each week a new bad guy was trotted out, dealt with, and market research said the kids just weren't interested in him. If you've got a series about a bunch of kids who go around righting wrongs, thwarting evil, you need a good source of evil.
"What I thought was," Sparky goes on, "since Sparky is pretty smart, that maybe I'd make the bad guy. You know, like Frankenstein. One thing Sparky has to watch out for is, he's a little impulsive. Sometimes he goes ahead and does something without thinking about what might happen. So one day in his laboratory he decides to create a new friend. He thinks about... well, I thought about that song about a hank of hair and a piece of bone. So Sparky gathers up all the things that can come off a human body—and Polly helps, too, and they have to find some of it in other places, because only grown-ups can make some of this stuff, and they throw it all together in the laboratory and, poof! Here's this guy. Only—"
"He doesn't have a soul," I say.
Sparky frowns at his hands. "Maybe it's dorky," he says, doubtfully.
"No, I don't think so. It's true, it's an old story, but I don't think anyone's ever approached it from quite the... direction, or with the same kind of ingredients you do. What will you name this villain?"
And the face shuts down. Only the spark in the eyes remains.
"I haven't decided yet," he says. I know he really has, and is just not going to tell me, but that's okay. I've got my story.
After Sparky and Polly have been called away to shoot a scene, I hang around a little longer, try to be inconspicuous. And I see a curious thing. Over the course of the afternoon just about every one of the high-powered writers from the north side of the table finds an excuse to wander down to the other end. Gosh, has anybody seen my hat? Could it be under the table down here? Oops, looks like that drawing tablet is about to slip off the table. Let me just straighten it up here....
Casually, nonchalant, they saunter and stroll and amble and perambulate, holding their pens and notebooks and cups of coffee. What's this? Oh, it's little Polly's drawings. What's she been up to today, I wonder?
And they leaf through the drawings.
Whatever Gideon Peppy is paying these writers, it's not enough. Not nearly enough, to be willing to steal ideas from children, and put their own names on the ideas. No, sir. I'd want a fucking shitload of money to do that.
So there's the secret. While the creative staff bickers and shouts and hurls out one stale, derivative idea after another, the real stories are being made at the other end of the table, out of boogers, spit, snot, and farts.
And who was the last person I saw visit the far end of the table? I'll give you a hint. He wore yellow shoes, and was sucking on a lollipop.
from LUNAVARIETY
"The Entertainment Industry Daily"
VALENTINE TO NEPTUNE; TO HELM OPNT
staff-written
John Barrymore Valentine, King City resident and longtime thespian of the legitimate stage, has been offered the job of artistic director of the Outer Planets National Theater, effective January 1 of next year.
"It was a tough decision for me," Valentine said, at the press conference announcing his intention to accept the bid. "As many of you know, I have been associate producer on my son's weekly video series, Sparky and His Gang, which is currently number nine in the Flacks. My son and I talked it over and we both felt that, much as we hate to be apart, our careers come first at this point in our lives. Sparky will be in good hands here on Luna. I have a two-year contract, with options to renew. It is my hope to bring a classical revival to the outer planets, which have long lagged behind Luna and Mars in putting the plays of Shakespeare, Moliere, Chekhov, Williams, and many others on boards. It is a great privilege to do my part in the preservation of the arts."
Contacted at his headquarters at Sentry/Sensational, Gideon Peppy, producer of Sparky and His Gang, expressed his happiness and his regrets. "It's a good career move for John," Peppy said. "Of course, we'll all miss his input around here, but I suppose we can manage to get along without him."
The Outer Planets Federation had encountered funding problems for its ambitious but unfinished Performing Arts Centre, taking shape near the Government Centre in New Sydney, Triton. Recent donations have the project moving again, however, and the board of directors felt confident enough of a completion date to announce its selection of Valentine, who will be leaving for the OP on the first available transport.
from Triton Tabloid
Arts Page
8/04/58
by Staff
The Triton Council for the Fine Arts announced today receipt of a large cash bequest, funds earmarked for the completion of the trouble-plagued New Sydney Performing Arts Centre.
"With Federation matching grants, this should be enough to get the Centre up and running," said Spero Meliora, Chairman of the Council.
Asked as to the identity of the benefactor, Meliora would only say, "A patron of the Arts, who wishes to remain anonymous." Speculation rages, but as of this writing no one seems to have a solid line on the name of the publicity-shy angel. One usually reliable source claims the donation came in the form of a cheque written on a King City, Luna, bank, but the Tabloid has been unable to confirm or disprove this.
Immediately after the announcement of the unexpected windfall, Meliora launched a system-wide search for an artistic director. Nationalistic preferences run high in this matter, and much support has been expressed among the O.P. arts community for the idea that the director should be a Tritonian, or at least a citizen of the Federation. The Tabloid's sources, however, say to look for the director to arrive from the same direction as the funding.
And quickly, too.
(For related articles, Press MORE)
PETITION FOR GUARDIANSHIP OF A MINOR CHILD
District Court, King City, Case #390-45155 8/11/58
Petitioner: Melina Polichinelli
Parent or Guardian: John Barrymore Valentine
Minor Child: Kenneth Catherine Valentine
STATEMENT OF PARENT: I, John B. Valentine, declare under penalty of perjury the following to be true and correct, to the best of my knowledge. I have been offered a prestigious position on the outer planets, at a substantial increase in salary. My son is currently starring in a video production, Sparky and His Gang, at the Sentry/Sensational Studios. It would be harmful to his present interests and future prospects if he were to accompany me to Triton. After discussing this matter with him and determining that it is his wish to continue, we have decided a temporary transfer of guardianship is the best course for both of us. My longtime friend and colleague, Melina Polichinelli, has agreed to act in loco parentis for a period of two years, after which I will return to Luna and reassess the situation.