How does a child deal with these things? According to Sparky, with pluck and grit, and a willingness to get up and try again when you're down. Above all, without bitterness. The universe has been unfair to you? Gee, that's tough, but crying about it solves nothing. Come with me, I'll show you the power you have.
The other obvious thing about Armageddon Angry is that his own pain is beyond description. He has been betrayed on a very deep level. Without a doubt, this is an abused child.
There is something else that is obvious about the show itself. It has been guided by someone who is an authority in these matters. There is no listing in the credits, and no one at Peppiprod would admit to knowing who this guiding eminence is, but I am certain it will turn out to be a child psychologist of some renown. Perhaps an advisory group of them. I understand the reluctance of the producers to own up to this, the stamp of "Certified Good for You" being the kiss of death it so often is in popular culture, but Sparky is now a big enough hit I would hope this professional would be willing to come forth and receive the congratulations that are due.
In the meantime I and my children will be eagerly watching the coming episodes of Sparky and His Gang. I suggest you and yours do likewise.
(attached addendum)
MEMO FROM: Sparky Valentine
TO: Production Department
This guy thinks we have a headshrinker on the staff. I really hate to disillusion somebody who is doing us so much good with the educational crowd. How about a credit line next week: "Psychological Consultant—Rufus T. Firefly"?
CC:
Gideon Peppy
Moe, Larry, Curly
John Valentine (Triton, via LaserNet)
| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #5 Duncan Disorderly™ |
| Duncan found a taste for the booze at an early age. He likes to hang out with his pals, Al Kohol™, and Phelan Groovy™. They drink all day and most of the night, then spend the morning throwing up. Doesn't that sound like fun? |
| Sparky sez: What is a drunken man like? Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. One draught makes him a fool, the second angers him, and a third drowns him. |
| COLLECT 'EM ALL! |
| • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE |
| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #9 N. U. Rhesus™ |
| Newton Ulysses? Or Naomi Ursula? Nobody seems to know. Rhesus is a monkylike critter, dressed in a nightshirt and a diaper. Toilet training was too tough a subject for little N. U. He or she still doesn't have it right. In simple terms, a bed wetter. |
| Sparky sez: Incontinence ain't a sin, you know. Let he who is without fear throw the first wet Pamper. Reesey is a stand-up guy, er, whatever. |
| COLLECT 'EM ALL! |
| • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE |
| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #16 Klepto Maine™ |
| When you shake hands with this guy, count your fingers after! Klepto figures he's just borrowing things you're not using. Maybe so. |
| Sparky sez: He who steals my purse steals trash. It was mine, now it's his, and has been the slave of thousands. But he that filches from me my good name robs me of that which doesn't enrich him, and makes me a poor man. |
| COLLECT 'EM ALL! |
| • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE |
| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #7 The Sexy Six: Rae Jean Hormonz™ Master Bates™ S.Trojan™ Tess Tosterone™ Min Arkey™ Seaman Plenty™ |
| You reached puberty yet? No? Hah! You think you got troubles now! These six can't seem to get it off their minds. On the other side is a typical group grope. For more about them, get the individual cards! |
| COLLECT 'EM ALL! |
| • PRESS HERE TO ANIMATE IMAGE |
From the Grievance Committee
Writers' Guild of Luna
To: Gideon Peppy, President, Peppiprod, Inc.
Dear Sir:
It has come to the attention of this committee that you may be in violation of the WGL Minimum Basic Agreement. It has been alleged that you have appropriated characters and story lines developed and created by Writers' Guild member, Kenneth C. Valentine. It is further alleged that you did cause to be registered as trademarks these same characters, in violation of several Luna laws and interplanetary conventions. Attached please find a twenty-four-hour Cease and Desist Order. You are ordered to post this order prominently in the offices of Peppiprod, Inc., and upon the doors to any sets currently in use in the production of the television series Sparky and His Gang. This will serve to notify members of all the Crafts Unions that they may not work in your employ until this matter is resolved. A fact-finding hearing will convene at the Writers' Guild headquarters, 2100 The Alameda, King City, at 1000 hours tomorrow. You may feel free to bring legal representation and any documents, witnesses, or recordings that would substantiate your position in re ownership of these disputed characters and plot lines (see attached list). Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.
Trevor Jones
Chairman, Grievance Committee
of the Writers' Guild of Luna
CC:
Kenneth C. Valentine
Kaspara Polichinelli
D. Mentua Precox
Summerfall Winterspring
Melina Polichinelli
Ambrose Wolfinger, M.S.W.
Sam Mohammed
Debbie Corlet
Velma Crow, representing Actors' Equity
John B. Valentine (Triton, via LaserNet)
from TRANSCRIPT, WGL HEARING
Investigation of certain claims involving Gideon Peppy, and Peppiprod, a corporate entity chartered in the Republic of Luna.
Meeting resumes after lunch and deliberations:
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Peppy, it is the unanimous conclusion of this panel that you are in violation of the Minimum Basic Agreement.
PEPPY: Violation, my fucking lollipop. This is a kangaroo court.
CHAIR: When you signed the MBA, you agreed to abide by certain rules and accept the authority of this committee. You have a right to an appeal, of course, and one will be held in one week's time, right here.
PEPPY: And I'll get sandbagged again. Oh, yeah, I know the drill. Sam! Debbie! You're a fucking Judas, Sam! And Debbie, you're a... a Judette! You thought you figured out which way the wind was blowing, you fucking jerks. Well, let me tell you, I ain't down yet. It ain't gonna be this easy to pick my fucking pocket.
CHAIR: Mr. Peppy, these are informal proceedings, but we would appreciate it if you'd control your temper a little better.
PEPPY: And fuck you, too!
CHAIR: Is there something else you have to add?
PEPPY: You fucking right I do. I was blindsided, that's what I was. I didn't even know the little prick was a member of the WGL!