A second figure materializes on the screen, like a digital genie: it's the sloth again. "Who the hell are you?" I ask.
The sloth takes another slug of Jolt, stifles a belch and says, "I am Codex, the Crypto-Anarchist Sloth."
"Your equipment requires maintenance," Raster says. "Please contact the cable company."
"Your equipment is fine," Codex says. "I'm encrypting your back channel. To the cable company, it looks like noise. As you figured out, that number is your personal encryption key. No government or corporation on earth can eavesdrop on us now."
"Gosh, thanks," I say.
"You're welcome," Codex replies. "Now, let's get down to biz. We have something you want. You have something we want."
"How did you know the answer to the Soldier Field jelly-bean question?"
"We've got all 27," Codex says. And he rattles off the secret numbers for Candlestick Park, the Kingdome, the Meadowlands . . .
"Unless you've broken into the accounting firm's vault," I say, "there's only one way you could have those numbers. You've been eavesdropping on my little chats with Raster. You've tapped the line coming out of this set-top box, haven't you?"
"Oh, that's typical. I suppose you think we're a bunch of socially inept, acne-ridden, high-IQ teenage hackers who play sophomoric pranks on the Establishment."
"The thought had crossed my mind," I say. But the fact that the cartoon sloth can give me such a realistic withering look, as he is doing now, suggests a much higher level of technical sophistication. Raster only has six facial expressions and none of them is very good.
"Your brother runs an ad agency, no?"
"Correct."
"He recently signed up Simoleons Corp.?"
"Correct."
"As soon as he did, the government put your house under full-time surveillance."
Suddenly the glass eyeball in the front of the set-top box is looking very big and beady to me. "They tapped our infotainment cable?"
"Didn't have to. The cable people are happy to do all the dirty work -- after all, they're beholden to the government for their monopoly. So all those calculations you did using Raster were piped straight to the cable company and from there to the government. We've got a mole in the government who cc'd us everything through an anonymous remailer in Jyvaskyla, Finland."
"Why should the government care?"
"They care big-time," Codex says. "They're going to destroy Simoleons. And they're going to step all over your family in the process."
"Why?"
"Because if they don't destroy E-money," Codex says, "E-money will destroy them."
The next afternoon I show up at my brother's office, in a groovily refurbished ex-power plant on the near West Side. He finishes rolling some calls and then waves me into his office, a cavernous space with a giant steam turbine as a conversation piece. I think it's supposed to be an irony thing.
"Aren't you supposed to be cruising the I-way for stalled motorists?" he says.
"Spare me the fraternal heckling," I say. "We crypto-anarchists don't have time for such things."
"Crypto-anarchists?"
"The word panarchist is also frequently used."
"Cute," he says, rolling the word around in his head. He's already working up a mental ad campaign for it.
"You're looking flushed and satisfied this afternoon," I say. "Must have been those two imperial pints of Hog City Porter you had with your baby-back ribs at Divane's Lakeview Grill."
Suddenly he sits up straight and gets an edgy look about him, as if a practical joke is in progress, and he's determined not to play the fool.
"So how'd you know what I had for lunch?"
"Same way I know you've been cheating on your taxes."
"What!?"
"Last year you put a new tax-deductible sofa in your home office. But that sofa is a hide-a-bed model, which is a no-no."
"Hackers," he says. "Your buddies hacked into my records, didn't they?" "You win the Stratolounger."
"I thought they had safeguards on these things now."
"The files are harder to break into. But every time information gets sent across the wires -- like, when Anne uses Raster to do the taxes -- it can be captured and decrypted. Because, my brother, you bought the default data-security agreement with your box, and the default agreement sucks."
"So what are you getting at?"
"For that," I say, "we'll have to go someplace that isn't under surveillance."
"Surveillance!? What the . . . " he begins. But then I nod at the TV in the corner of his office, with its beady glass eye staring out at us from the set-top box.
We end up walking along the lakeshore, which, in Chicago in January, is madness.
But we hail from North Dakota, and we have all the cold-weather gear it takes to do this. I tell him about Raster and the cable company.
"Oh, Jesus!" he says. "You mean those numbers aren't secret?"
"Not even close. They've been put in the hands of 27 stooges hired by the the government. The stooges have already FedEx'd their entry forms with the correct numbers. So, as of now, all of your Simoleons -- $27 million worth -- are going straight into the hands of the stooges on Super Bowl Sunday. And they will turn out to be your worst public-relations nightmare. They will cash in their Simoleons for comic books and baseball cards and claim it's safer. They will intentionally go bankrupt and blame it on you. They will show up in twos and threes on tawdry talk shows to report mysterious disappearances of their Simoleons during Metaverse transactions. They will, in short, destroy the image - and the business -- of your client. The result: victory for the government, which hates and fears private currencies. And bankruptcy for you, and for Mom and Dad."
"How do you figure?"
"Your agency is responsible for screwing up this sweepstakes. Soon as the debacle hits, your stock plummets. Mom and Dad lose millions in paper profits they've never had a chance to enjoy. Then your big shareholders will sue your ass, my brother, and you will lose. You gambled the value of the company on the faulty data-security built into your set-top box, and you as a corporate officer are personally responsible for the losses."
At this point, big brother Joe feels the need to slam himself down on a park bench, which must feel roughly like sitting on a block of dry ice. But he doesn't care. He's beyond physical pain. I sort of expected to feel triumphant at this point, but I don't.
So I let him off the hook. "I just came from your accounting firm," I say. "I told them I had discovered an error in my calculations -- that my set-top box had a faulty chip. I supplied them with 27 new numbers, which I worked out by hand, with pencil and paper, in a conference room in their offices, far from the prying eye of the cable company. I personally sealed them in an envelope and placed them in their vault."
"So the sweepstakes will come off as planned," he exhales. "Thank God!"
"Yeah -- and while you're at it, thank me and the panarchists," I shoot back. "I also called Mom and Dad, and told them that they should sell their stock -- just in case the government finds some new way to sabotage your contest."
"That's probably wise," he says sourly, "but they're going to get hammered on taxes. They'll lose 40% of their net worth to the government, just like that."