This time I reach the keyboard first.
I'm afraid it's you who are turning language bad. Can we ask you to keep a few of your consonants to yourself? Forgive me if I don't waste time attempting to convince you that my publisher and editor exist, if you honestly need convincing and don't just post anything you think may provoke a reaction. If you're as passionate about film as you give the impression you are, I should spend more time studying them and less in pursuing meaningless arguments.
I should have reread that more closely before posting it, because it gives Smilemime an opening.
Well, I must be doing something right, mustn't I? I've made Simon Testy be honnest for once. He's acctually addmitting he should studdy films instead of telling lies about them. Now he should addmit that if he's published annything about them or he's going to that'll all be lies as well. If he owns up I prommise not to mention him again.
I'm not letting this lie.
Please be aware that what you're saying isn't just untrue, it's libellous. I may not be able to trace you, but I'm sure the university will if you carry on like this. I imagine they might want to prosecute anyone who tries to discredit their publications in this way.
Colin's there almost at once.
You bet your bollocks we can track you down, Slimemime or whatever we're going to find out your name is. You're out of your league, so take the hint and stop bothering the big boys. And by the way, Simon wasn't saying he needs to study films, he meant you do. That should keep you quiet with any luck, and if something doesn't we will.
I should have liked his response to be somewhat more official.
So now my ennemy's trying to say I can't read, is he? That's a joke from someboddy who can't even get my name right. He can't lose an argument gracefully either, so he has to ressort to more words out of the toillet and try and frighten me with his gang. Ooh, I'm terriffied, look what I've done on my chair. Before he starts threatenning me he'd better remmember he's already libbelled me. He said I'd made up a Tubby Thackeray film on the IMDb. That's blackenning my repputation and my lawyer says I can sue him.
I could call his bluff by involving Charley Tracy, but I don't want to bring any further harassment on him. I'm certain Smilemime is trying to spread confusion in the hope that I'll panic, which I'm not about to do. I really don't need Colin to reply for me.
Bring it on then, Mileslime. Sue him and see what you get. I'd love to see you explain to a judge how your rep can be undermined when you won't even say who you are. And since it'll be the first time anyone beyond a few Internet nerds have heard of you, you'll have to convince him you've got a rep at all. I'll be in the front row and selling tickets to the most hilarious comedy in town.
While I agree with most of this, I suggest in a private email to Colin that he might be a little less ready to invite people – even Smilemime – to sue me.
Don't let him rattle you, Simon. It's all coming out of his arse. Anyway, you were quick enough to say the uni would chase him, weren't you? Not that I'm saying we won't if we have to. You know how I love skewering bastards. Let me see if I can get a fix on him.
Meanwhile Smilemime has responded to his posting.
No, you're the one that's putting on a show for everyboddy, but you're not impressing annyone. Collin's your stage name, is it? The one you use for alternattive commedy, which is a lot of fillthy language with no laughs. And whatever you call yourself you can't get my name right. Don't worry, I've got yours. Easy to remmember when you're acting like your name spells. I hope everyboddy knows what the annagram of Simon Lester is.
It isn't Tiresome S. L. That omits the n, which could signify an indefinite number or an unknown name. I don't point any of this out, and I do my best not to be compelled to speculate, but Colin isn't so restrained.
Timely Snores, is it? They're appropriate where you're concerned. It doesn't quite spell that, but it's better than your pissy little feeble attempt. Time, Señores? That's what they shout in a Mexican bar when everyone's finished eating their worms. I know, he spells Silent Mores, in other words quiet manners, the kind Simon has and you need to learn.
This amuses me, but not for long.
Oh yes, he's being very quiet while he's pretennding to be someboddy else, isn't he? Maybe he really bellieves he is if he's been eating those worms. He certainnly sounds like he's on drugs. I expect his brain's too beffuddled to work things out, so I'll put him out of his missery and tell him his secret. Simon Lester = Monster Lies.
I've typed my reply almost before I know it.
No, I'm not on any drugs. If I were I'd be more likely to write your kind of steaming crap. Carry on if it keeps you happy, but do us all a favour and when you've finished producing it, just pull the chain.
How long has this been going on? I feel as if Smilemime's monomania has invaded my skull, wakening whenever I do and goading me to compose more retorts while the threat of Colin's intervention urges me to head him off, although does it matter which of us responds? At least when I post a reply it appears on every newsgroup that's involved, even if this gives me the impression that the Internet is swarming with my attempts to force Smilemime to make some kind of sense. I only wish I could revoke my last answer, however satisfying it felt until Smilemime posted his.
Aw, did someboddy upset him? Did the nassty man say something bad and hurt his ickle feewings? It must have been true or he wouldn't have forgotten who he was suppossed to be. He isn't meant to use toillet words when he's calling himself Monster Lies, I mean Simon Lester. Maybe he doesn't reallize that tells us there's just one of him, because it spells Misster Lone as well. And maybe he'd like to explain why he keeps reading what I write if he thinks it's excremment. Could he be jeallous because people read what I write and noboddy's ever heard of him?
It doesn't spell Misster unless you can't spell. For some reason this is the riposte that has been clamouring for expression ever since I read his latest rant at Heathrow. I would have posted it and much more if they hadn't been calling my name at the departure gate. I kept regretting the missed opportunity all the way to Chicago, where I planned to use another Internet terminal while waiting for my onward flight. In fact the two-hour stopover barely gave me time to collect my suitcase and clear security. I still feel as if I'm shuffling forward in a sluggish endless queue, my legs wavering from lack of sleep and the effects of the gale-wracked descent the plane made. Instead I'm in Los Angeles and waiting for my luggage to appear.
Is that mine? A man standing guard beside the end of the carousel grabs the suitcase as his mobile trills. He's discussing a film deal by the time he wheels the case past me, and I see that it's only similar to mine, like half a dozen others in the slow procession. Several items, including a parcelled ski in search of its twin, have made the rounds more than once. Most of the passengers from my flight have been reunited with their luggage. Here comes the next parade, and my case is the fifth to trundle into view, or rather a woman's identical case is. I rest my overworked eyes, and when I open them my case has stolen past me and is heading for the exit from the baggage hall. I almost sprawl on the conveyor belt in my haste to capture it, and then I haul it to the Customs desk.
The concourse beyond it is so crowded with people and amplified voices, and my senses are so raw with wakefulness, that I feel worse than stranded until I see my name. Apparently Willie Hart has sent a driver to pick me up. Her T-shirt, which bears a logo for SEXXXY SITES, and shorts display her lithe golden limbs and hug her curves with great affection, and I wonder if she's one of Hart's performers. Even her hair, so blonde it's nearly white, is cropped close as if to bare more of her. The generous features of her oval face produce a more specific smile as I point at the name on her clipboard. 'That's me.'