The press release went on to say that the Committee was drafting a letter to the President asking that the FBI and possibly the CIA open up preliminary investigations on this “modern day P.T. Barnum.”
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President is “Utterly Convinced”
Washington DC (AP) In a Press Conference in the Rose Garden today, President Hillary Clinton stated that she is “utterly convinced” that Peter Westerhaus’ android inventions are, in fact, “the genuine article.”
In a private meeting with the President earlier today, Westerhaus unveiled two prototypes of his androids, affectionately named C4PO and R2D3 in a sarcastic reply to Howard Mexenbaum’s earlier accusations of huckstering. The President reportedly stood by in awe as the androids walked up to her, shook her hand, greeted her by name, and returned to the side of their inventor. One of the androids apparently asked Ms. President if she would like him to fix the squeaky hinge in the door leading to the Oval Office. It is unknown how she replied.
When asked if she would be the first in line to purchase one of the androids when they became commercially available, the President smiled and said “no, that’s why I have Bill.”
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Westerhaus Announces Household Robot
New York (AP) Westerhaus Inc. announced today the unveiling of its new home robot, the revolutionary Maid Marian. “We are pleased to offer American householders the greatest time- and labor-saving device since the introduction of the automatic washing machine,” company spokesperson Melinda Deliganis said, “The Maid Marian is a highly programmable model that can take over such tedious jobs as cleaning, cooking and even a limited amount of routine errand-running, such as picking up parcels. She can walk at a maximum speed of 4 miles per hour, and her feet will never get tired!”
Deliganis characterized Microsoft’s crash program to develop a competing product as “irrelevant.” “We have the patents and the proprietary technology. While it is true that the first Maid Marians will be priced in the high-ticket range, we expect demand to be high enough to support a mass-market version within eighteen months.”
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Bishop Says There Are No Religious Implications
Washington (MSNBC) In an interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews yesterday, the Right Reverend William S. MacDermott, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church in the United States stated flatly that the introduction of android robots “does not pose any theological questions. Does your car pose a theological question?” the Bishop asked rhetorically. “Does your alarm clock? A robot is a machine, property that can be bought and sold. Nuts and bolts and printed circuits. Nothing more.”
Asked to respond to Televangelist Pat Robertson’s claim that the robots are “the work of the devil,” the Bishop referred Matthews to his previous response. “I’ll be surprised if the Rev. Robertson doesn’t have one mowing his lawn by the Fourth of July,” he quipped.
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Royals to Replace Staff with Bots?
London (Reuters) A spokesperson for Queen Camilla today declined to confirm or deny that Palace maids and other maintenance personnel will be replaced with androids. “Her Majesty welcomes technological change, and as you know has sponsored several scholarships for promising computer-technical students. This has nothing to do with the current nationwide shortage of domestic employees.’
In a related story (A 14) the Palace had “no comment” to Tonight Show host Jay Leno’s remark that His Majesty King Charles is an early, unmarketable Westerhaus test model.
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Phelps Campaign Interrupts Commendation Ceremony
Minneapolis (CNN) Jedadiah Phelps, the grandson of Fred Phelps, the late Minister of the Westboro Baptist Church, gathered his faithful flock in protest of a commendation ceremony held in Minneapolis today.
Holding handmade signs and shouting “God Hates Droids!”, the group of twenty managed to disrupt the proceedings at least twice before police clad in riot gear ushered them from the premises.
The ceremony, presided over by Mayor Tim “The Rule Man” Taylor, was to commemorate and commend the heroic actions of Android 77-EDY-823 (Eddie) during the recent bout of arson-related fires in the city. Firedroid Eddie, it will be remembered, managed a rescue total of twenty three humans, five dogs, seventeen cats, two birds and one chinchilla during the three day siege.
The mayor….
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Defense Secretary Announces Android Soldiers
Washington (AP) Secretary of Defense Humberto X. Palacios today announced that initial tests of android infantry soldiers have been “a stunning success. These new models, co-developed by Westerhaus and Boeing Defense Industries, have exceeded all expectations in target recognition, accuracy, versatility in weapons usage and deployment capability. The day is coming when no young American soldier will ever again have to face enemy fire head-on.” Palacios indicated that if these new models perform well in further tests which more closely match actual battlefield conditions, initial deployment could take place as soon as next year.
When asked if these new military androids could pose a danger to the American people, Palacios replied, “These androids will be deployed under very strict, very controlled military situations and will never come into contact with American civilians.”
Dr. Kirsten King, the Government’s top expert in robotics and a noted skeptic of the current “android rage” was unavailable for comment.
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Android Troops to be Deployed in Gulf
Camp David (Reuters) The Guardian has learned today that President Clinton will order the first deployment of android infantry to the Gulf theater next week. “I inherited this war, as you know,” Ms. Clinton said. “Now I mean to put a stop to it.”
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Loser Demands Gold Medalist Step Down
Copenhagen (Reuters) Ekaterina Petrovna Schevaryedna, Silver Medalist in the 2012 Winter Olympics, has filed a complaint alleging that Britney Chung, the U. S. skater who glided to a stunning upset over the top-rated Russian in the Women’s Figure Skating last night, should be disqualified. Schevaryedna alleges that her competitor is “not a human at all. She is a robot!”
Olympic officials here issued a brief statement this morning, saying only that Chung has consented to undergo X-ray examination and to submit blood samples. Off the record, one Commissioner quipped, “At least this is easier to deal with than crooked judges.”
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Android Involved in Assault on Driver
Kalamazoo (MSNBC) Today an android allegedly assaulted the driver of a vehicle which struck it as it was crossing the street in this Midwestern city. Neither the name of the driver nor the model of the android was made public. Details remain spotty.
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Android Saves New York Child
New York (AP) A seven-year-old child was pulled from the Hudson River today by an android after falling nearly 50 feet into the icy waters below.
The boy, Jake Hamilton, was on a class trip to visit the George Washington Bridge when he climbed a bridge rail and tumbled over. Android XKJ152-67-A-245-TOM witnessed the incident and followed the boy into the river, ultimately saving his life.
“It was scary when I fell,” Hamilton said from his hospital bed where he is still recuperating. “But then it got really black when I got cold in the water. I don’t remember that droid swimming out with me, but I’m really thankful to him.”
According to doctors the boy suffered hypothermia almost immediately due to the freezing temperature of the river. After record-breaking winter weather has hammered the East Coast, officials estimate the water temperature of the Hudson River is between zero and 15 degrees Fahrenheit, on average.
Android TOM said he did not process his actions against his moral coding before taking the plunge. Bain, an exterior bridge worker, was harnessed to the side of the bridge below the point from which the boy fell.