Odd moments, I have sought for her redeeming features.
There are none.
In later life, I was exactly what she needed. A wayward son who helped her to public martyrdom. How could she lose? After I was booted from the gardai, she leaked piety from every pore. Her theme song:
“Never darken my door again.”
She carried on scandalously at my father’s funeral. Collapsing at the grave, wailing in the street, huge wreath of vulgar proportion.
Like that.
Course, she leapt into widow’s weeds and wore black ever since. If anything, her church attendance increased. Never a kind word during his lifetime, she belied him in his death.
He had said to me,
“Your mother means well.”
She didn’t.
Not then, not ever.
Her type thrive on the goodness of others. The “mean well” credo excuses every despicable act of their calculated lives. I like to see photos of dictators, tyrants, warlords. Somewhere towards the back, you’ll find “Mama” with a face of stone and eyes of pure granite. They are the banality of evil that people discuss and so rarely recognise.
Sean had always spoken well of her, tried to change my attitude, had said,
“She loves you, Jack, in her own way.”
She stayed in touch with him, I believe, as a means of keeping tabs on me. I said to him,
“Don’t, and I mean don’t tell her anything about me... ever.”
“Jack, she’s your mother.”
“I mean it, Sean.”
“Arrah, you’re only saying that.”
After I hit the gin, I went into free-fall. I don’t remember anything else till I came to in my mother’s house. No wonder they call it mother’s ruin.
No... to benediction
Opened my eyes. Expecting restraints or a prison cell or both. Felt beyond ill. I was in a bed, a fresh, clean one. Tried to sit up and my heart reeled in terror. A black figure was sitting at the end of the bed. I must have shrieked; the figure spoke.
“Relax, Jack, you’re safe.”
Managed to focus, asked,
“Fr Malachy?”
“ ’Tis.”
“What? How?”
“You’re at your mother’s.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”
My head was opening but I had to know.
“Are you living here?”
“Don’t be an eejit. Your mother called me.”
“Shit!”
“Watch that tongue, laddie. I won’t abide cursing.”
“So, sue me.”
I noticed I was wearing pyjamas, old comfortable ones, washed a hundred times, then said,
“Oh God, I think these are my father’s.”
“May he rest in peace. Though I fear he’d turn in his grave at your antics.”
I managed to sit on the side of the bed, asked,
“Any chance of tea?”
He shook his head sadly. I asked,
“What? Tea’s beyond your brief?”
“You were a holy show you know. Swearing at your mother. By the time I got here, you’d passed out.”
I tried to assemble my shattered mind. Could dredge up that it was Friday night when I’d drunk. Took a deep breath asked,
“What day is this?”
He gave me a look of almost pity, asked,
“You really don’t know?”
“Sure, I’d ask for the sheer hell of it.”
“It’s Wednesday.”
I sank my head in my hands. I was going to need a cure and soon. Malachy said,
“Sean was buried yesterday.”
“Was I there?”
“No.”
I so badly needed to throw up and maintain it for a week. Malachy added,
“Sean’s son, named I think William, came home from England. He’ll be taking over the pub. Seems a sensible lad.”
Malachy stood up, looked at his watch, said,
“I have a mass. I trust you’ll do the right thing by your mother.”
“You’re not smoking, have you quit?”
“God hasn’t seen fit to relieve me of that particular burden yet, but I wouldn’t dream of smoking in your mother’s house.”
“Blame God, eh?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Why not? I blame him all the time.”
“And look at the cut of you. It’s no wonder.”
Then he was gone. My clothes were
Washed
Ironed
Folded
at the end of the bed.
I struggled into them. Took a while as bouts of nausea engulfed me. Taking a deep breath, I headed downstairs. She was in the kitchen, doing kitchen things. I said,
“Hi.”
She turned to face me. My mother has good strong features but they’re arranged wrong. They add up to severity. If we get the face we deserve by the time we’re forty, then she got the jackpot. Deep lines on her forehead and at the sides of her nose. Her hair was gray and pulled right back in an impossible knot. But the eyes told all, a direct unyielding dark brown. Whatever else they said, “no prisoners” was the overriding message. She said,
“So, you’re up.”
“Yes... I’m... sorry... for... you know, the disturbance.”
She sighed. It was what she did best. She could have sighed for Ireland, said,
“Oh, I’m well used to it.”
I had to sit down. She asked,
“You’ll be expecting something?”
“What?”
“Breakfast.”
“Oh, I’d love some tea.”
As she filled a kettle, I glanced round. To her left, I saw a bottle of Buckfast. It would do. I said,
“The doorbell’s ringing.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it rang twice.”
“I didn’t hear it.”
“You probably couldn’t hear it over the kettle.”
She went. I was up and over to the bottle, got a huge belt of it. Christ, it was rough, thought, “People buy this shit by choice?”
The moment of truth, would it stay down or up. Hit my stomach like battery acid. Went back to my chair and waited. Began to settle, could feel that glow in my guts. My mother was back, suspicion writ large, said,
“There wasn’t anyone.”
“Oh.”
She looked like a warden who knows there’s been an escape but who doesn’t know who’s gone. I stood, said,
“Think I’ll skip the tea.”
“But the kettle’s boiled.”
“I’ll have to go.”
“Are you still working... as...”
She couldn’t bring herself to finish. I said,
“I am.”
“And you’re looking at some girl’s suicide?”
“How do you know?... oh, Fr Malachy.”
“Arrah, the whole town knows. Though God knows how you find the time between drinking.”
I got to the door, said,
“Thanks again.”
She put her hands on her hips, looked set to charge, said,
“Well it would be a quare thing if you couldn’t come to your own home.”
“This was never home.”
Karma
Walking down College Road, I thought I probably should have said something kinder. Years ago I’d read where a man asks,
How come, no matter how long since I’ve seen the family or how
much distance I put between us, they can always push my buttons?
The answer:
Because they installed them.
At the Fair Green, I was hit by a dizzy spasm and had to lean against a wall. Two women passing gave me a wide berth, one said,
“Elephants, and it’s not eleven yet.”
Sweat cascaded down my face. A hand touched my shoulder. I felt so bad I hoped I was being mugged. A voice,
“You’re in some distress, my friend.”