He took his time searching for her, not eager to rush this, but intent on doing it all the same. He didn’t like how they had left things last night. He didn’t like how it had made him feel. He hadn’t slept well, thinking about it, and he wasn’t going to spend the whole of the day brooding over the details. He would find her and work out what the problem was and things would go back to being the way they had been.
He walked the length of the caravan and back again and still didn’t find her. She was obviously hiding out somewhere, nursing her anger or frustration or whatever it was that was eating at her. It irritated him that she was making it so hard on him, and his face reflected this as he strode on, increasingly out of sorts. Those who encountered him saw the look on his face and moved quickly out of the way, and he found it hard to get anyone even to talk to him.
Finally, he went to find Owl. She would know where Cat was, if anyone did.
He found her sitting by the AV watching Sparrow and River packing up the last of the supplies and equipment in the bins and on the roof. Candle stood next to her, holding her hand.
“Hey, Mother Owl,” he greeted, walking up quickly, trying to sound nonchalant. “I need your help.”
Owl looked at him, saw his face, and turned to Candle. “I need to speak with Panther alone. Why don’t you help Sparrow and River, sweetie?”
Candle moved away, giving Panther a curious look as she did so. Panther didn’t like that look, wasn’t sure what it meant. Owl waited until the little girl was out of sight, and then she motioned for Panther to come close.
“I already know what you’re going to ask me,” she said.
“You do?”
“You’re going to ask me about Cat.”
Panther knelt beside her, his lean face intense. “Yeah, that’s right. Where is she?”
“She’s gone.”
Panther stared at her. “What do you mean, She’s gone? She’s gone where? Where would she go?” He gestured angrily. “What are you talking about?”
Owl put a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down. She left during the night, not long after she talked to you. She came to me first and told me what she was going to do. I tried to talk her out of it, but she had her mind made up. I couldn’t change it.”
“She left? Just like that?” Panther was stunned. He gripped the arms of Owl’s wheelchair in frustration and dismay. “No reason for it? She just left?”
Owl furrowed her brow, and by doing so Panther could tell that he wasn’t going to like whatever she was about to say next. “She had a reason, Panther. A reason she felt strongly about, which is why I couldn’t change her mind.”
She glanced over at the three girls, who were still working, but who were trying hard, as well, to listen in on what she and Panther were saying. “She’s begun to mutate again. She’s changing into a Lizard.”
Panther shook his head. “What? That’s not true! Is it? She’s changing? When did this start to happen? Why didn’t she say anything to me about it?”
“She didn’t say anything to anyone. She could barely bring herself to tell me, but she didn’t want to leave without anyone knowing the reason. She was so unhappy, Panther. She just couldn’t face what it would mean once you found out.”
“Once I found out?”
“Once anyone found out. She was convinced it would change everything. That none of us would feel the same way about her. She believed we wouldn’t want to be with her anymore. Or if not that, that we would simply tolerate her because we wouldn’t want to tell her the truth. We would pretend to care, but really we would want her to go away.”
She held up her hands to stop him from saying what he was about to say. “Let me finish. I told her that was nonsense, that we loved her for who she was on the inside, not for what she looked like. I told her she was making a mistake, leaving like this without talking it out. I even asked her to wait until Logan Tom returned. But she refused. She said she had made up her mind, and there was nothing I could say or do to change it. She asked me to tell the rest of you, to tell you she was sorry but she couldn’t stay. Then she left.”
Panther was beside himself. “This is frickin’ bull! What is wrong with that girl! She don’t think much of us, does she? Doesn’t trust us enough to believe we care—”
“She’s afraid, Panther!” Owl cut him short. “She’s terrified! She’s discovered that the one thing she didn’t want to happen is happening, and she can’t do anything about it! Think about how life has been for her. Trapped with the Senator, a slave and maybe something much worse. Getting Logan to take her away was the first real freedom she’s known, and the Ghosts were her first real family. Now she thinks she’s going to lose all that, and she doesn’t want to stay around and watch it happen. So she’s doing the one thing she thinks will avoid that.”
“Well, she’s wrong!” He spat angrily. “She’s all wrong!”
“I know. I told her so.”
“You should have come and told me right then!”
She gave him a sad look. “I said I wouldn’t. I gave my word.”
They stared at each other for a moment. Behind them, Sparrow, River, and Candle were staring, too. No one moved.
Panther stood up. “I’m going after her.”
Owl shook her head. “She doesn’t want that. She specifically said that you were to let this be her decision.”
“Well, it ain’t!” He was so angry he could barely think straight, shouting now, fists clenched. “It ain’t just hers!” He didn’t know where to go from there. He glared at all of them, tried to say something more, found he couldn’t, and just wheeled away.
“Panther, wait!” Owl called after him.
He kept going, but then all at once Sparrow was right in front of him. “You sure about this?” Her face was right up against his, her features calm but determined, too. “Really sure?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I am. I got to do this.”
“She went north.” Sparrow tightened her lips, glanced quickly at Owl. “I overheard. I told the others earlier. We all know.” She kept her blue eyes fixed on him. “Will you bring her back?”
“I’ll try.”
She put her arms around him and hugged him close. “You do what you have to do, Panther Puss.”
One by one, they came up to him and hugged him. He relented enough then to hug them back, to whisper a few words of apology, to hear a few words whispered back. Even Owl wheeled over and gave him a long embrace from the chair.
“We love you,” she told him. “We always will.”
He nodded into her shoulder. “Yeah, I know that.” He broke free. “Got to get some stuff together. You know.”
He was practically crying when he left them, but he did not look back. Looking back would destroy him.
He stuffed his backpack with food and water, tied on a blanket, pocketed a compass and a pack of viper–pricks, and strapped on his knife. He shouldered a Parkhan Spray, picked up a prod, and set out. He took a route through the camp that bypassed Owl and the girls and walked out into the flats beyond, heading north. He had gotten to where the caravan was just beginning to fade from view when he heard his name called.
He turned and found Hawk and Cheney approaching. “Wait, Panther.” Hawk trotted up to him, and they stood looking at each other for a moment. “I heard you were leaving. And why. I just wanted to say good–bye.”
Panther nodded. “You and me, we don’t need that. We’re brothers, Bird‑Man. We don’t never need to say good–bye.”
Hawk nodded. “I suppose not. But still.”
“You got to be careful without me around to protect you. Can’t be worrying that you’ll do something stupid once I’m not here. Okay?”
“Okay. Anyway, you’ll be back.”
Panther nodded. “I’ll be back.”