“That right? You made up your mind how you feel about me?” She brushed him aside and began walking again. “What a load.”
“I came to bring you back to your family!” he shouted in rage. “You left your family, Cat! You know that? You walked out on them! They didn’t walk out on you. You walked out on them!”
She didn’t answer, just kept walking. So he kept walking with her, waiting to see how long it would take for her to speak to him again. It took a long time, and when she did, all she said was, “Go home.”
“Can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. Go home.”
“Nope. I’m staying.”
They walked on until it was dark, and neither said another word. Finally, Cat turned into a copse of graying fir and made a place for herself to sit and eat her supper. Panther joined her, pulling out food and water of his own. Rabbit curled up at their feet and began to purr. Cheney lay down nearby and closed his eyes.
The meal was consumed without conversation. Afterward, the pair sat across from each other and exchanged surreptitious glances while the night air grew chilly, the darkness deepened, and the stars came out by the thousands, sprinkling the blackness with bright bits of silvery light. The moon rose above the eastern horizon, orange initially and then white. Be the same moon back at the caravan, Panther thought, and wondered if anyone was missing him yet.
They unrolled blankets and wrapped themselves up, still sitting across from each other, still not speaking. The minutes slipped away, and Panther felt his eyes growing heavy. Maybe her plan was to wait him out, let him fall asleep, and then slip away. Well, it wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t sleep until she did. Even if he had to stay up all night, he wouldn’t sleep. Besides, it didn’t matter if he did. Cheney would just track her down again if she tried to lose him.
But her stubbornness was frustrating. It made him wonder anew what he was doing out here. If she didn’t want to come back, why was he going to all this trouble to change her mind? Oh, sure, he liked her. He thought she was special, all right. But what was he planning to do if he couldn’t get her to go back? Tell her good luck and give it up? Stick it out? For how long? Days? How long could he afford to stay out here?
“You are so stubborn!” she said suddenly.
Like you ain’t, he thought. But he didn’t say anything.
“I shouldn’t be mad at you,” she continued after a moment. “Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just mad at how things have worked out. Disappointed, I guess. I wanted it all to be over, and now I find out that it won’t ever be over, that I’m not going to be what I was, not ever. That’s hard.”
He nodded again. “Yeah.”
“I just don’t know what you expect me to do.”
“I don’t know what I expect you to do, either,” he admitted. “I was just thinking I’m not really sure what I’m doing out here. I came because I couldn’t let you leave thinking it didn’t make a difference to me. Or to the others, ’cause they care, too. I thought I might persuade you to come back with me, try it out, see how it works. It might not be like you think.”
She studied him a moment, and then she got up, her blanket draped over her shoulders, and sat down beside him, close enough that they were touching shoulders.
“Here’s the thing of it, Panther,” she said. Her mottled face turned toward him, the scales glinting in the moonlight. “When I discovered I was changing again, I didn’t decide right away that I was leaving. I thought about it first. I looked for a way to do just the opposite. I knew how you and the other Ghosts felt about me. I loved being a part of your family. It was what I had wanted for a long time.”
She rubbed her hands together to warm them before tucking them back under the blanket, hugging herself. “But then I realized something. Hawk is taking us to a safe place, sure. But that’s where we’re going to be for a long time. Maybe years, maybe longer. Chances are, there won’t be any going out in the meantime. Not for any reason. ’Cause the world outside’s going to be destroyed.”
His face darkened as he thought of it. “Yeah, guess that’s so.”
“Well, I don’t want to be shut away. I’ve been shut away in one place or another for my entire life. I’ve never been free to travel where I wanted, not until Logan took me away. I don’t think I can give that up. Not under any circumstances. It would be like living in a compound. I don’t want that. And what happens if after I’ve changed and become a Lizard, no one wants me around except maybe you and the other Ghosts and maybe Logan? What if all the Lizards are made to live in one place because everyone else is afraid of them? Because that’s how it’s been in the world before, hasn’t it? Why should it be any different this time? Humans are already afraid of Lizards, aren’t they? So how is this going to work once I’m a full–blown Lizard girl?”
He shook his head. “Don’t know. But at least you’ll be alive.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said, at first. If the world is going to be destroyed, maybe this place we’re going to is all that will be left. But maybe not. Maybe there will be something else, too. I mean, ask yourself this.
Is there really something that can destroy everything? That’s never happened. The world goes on, no matter how bad things get. Life changes? That’s a constant. Species die out, species are born, like that. You know. Owl must have read something about this to you.”
“Well, yeah, but …”
“I have to consider what life will be worth if the safe place we’re going to becomes like a prison. Or a place that feels like a prison, anyway. To me, the little Lizard girl. I don’t want to live like that. That’s not living, that’s dying by inches. I would rather have it all end at once than go into a place I couldn’t get out of and ended up hating. I would rather be free for whatever time I have left.”
She took a deep breath. “So that’s why I left. I made a choice, but it wasn’t made for the reasons I’ve been saying. Not really. Not if I’m honest with myself. I told you stuff that I wanted you to believe. I thought that it would make it easier for you to let me go. I know you’d stand by me. All of you. I know it doesn’t matter to you what I become or how I look.”
“Good,” he said. “Better. That’s better. At least, it makes me feel better.” He hunched forward. “But you really think that it won’t work, going back? You really think it might be like a prison?”
“It’s going to end up being a confined space. There will be boundaries and rules. There will be limits on where you can go and what you can do. I don’t want that. I can’t live with it. Even with the possibility of it.”
“So where are you going?”
“North. Fewer people, more open space, less likelihood of disease, pollution, militia, all the rest. Space enough to get lost in, to find a new life.”
“Cold up there.”
She stared at him. “I know what’s up there. I know what I’m facing. You choose your poison in this world, Panther. You don’t get a guarantee of safe passage anywhere.”
They sat together in silence again after that, lost in separate thoughts. After a while, Panther reached over and put his arm around her, and she leaned into him. “You mind if I stay with you for tonight?” he asked her.
“I wish you would.”
A little while later, they nestled down together with the blankets wrapped close about them. They lay spoon–fashion for warmth, with Panther pressed up against her from behind. When he reached up and gently touched the scales on her cheek, she did not move his hand away.