Remember The Five People Test.
You are the average of the five people around you.
But you are an even bigger average of the one person around you most.
You are tremendously influenced (or you spend a lot of energy influencing) the specific mood and energy of your partner.
What’s the learning?
It is really important to find a partner who is at your level of happiness. Or higher. The good news is that you can Be Happy First (Secret #1). But it could be exhausting cheering somebody up all the time. So think whether your partner is adding to your happiness or draining it.
Secret #9
The Single Best Piece of Advice You’ll Ever Take
1
“Ninety-seven percent of lung cancer patients are smokers and ninety-seven percent of smokers never get lung cancer.”
Extra Calcium and Vitamin D Aren’t Necessary.”
The headline caught my eye as I was clicking through the “Most Emailed” section of The New York Times. I read how the Institute of Medicine, an independent nonprofit run by US and Canadian governments, had studied more than a thousand publications and come to this conclusion. I suddenly felt better about myself. I wasn’t taking any extra calcium or vitamin D. No need to start now.
I then clicked over to the Toronto Star’s website and surfed around a bit there.
A headline caught my eye.
“Go on the Offense and Get Your Vitamin D.”
Another study, another article, completely opposite advice.
Two of the world’s largest newspapers, two big brands, two front-page articles, both giving the exact opposite advice.
What am I supposed to do now?
I suddenly got worried.
What if all advice conflicts?
“Don’t take advice.”
I remember a CEO telling me this once when I told him some people liked the new corporate meeting and some people didn’t. I looked at him. Don’t take advice? Really?
“You’ve done your research, you own the meeting, you don’t have to worry what anyone thinks,” he said. “You get to decide. And remember that all advice conflicts. You can twist advice any which way to make any point you want. Have you heard that ninety-seven percent of lung cancer patients are smokers and ninety-seven percent of smokers never get lung cancer?”
I stared at him blankly.
I didn’t know if that was true, but my brain was lighting up just thinking about it.
He was challenging me.
He always did.
“You make up your own mind. My advice is to become creatively indifferent to all advice. Hear it, but decide what to do yourself.” He paused and then said it one more time.
“Don’t take advice.”
2
What can we learn from the most common advice of all?
While clicking around those newspaper websites with opposing headlines, I asked myself, “What advice is most commonly accepted as truth?” Be happy first? Do it for you? Remember the lottery? No. What advice do we all know regardless of our background or experiences?
It suddenly hit me.
Clichés.
Advice that’s been said so many times it’s become well known to everybody. A rolling stone gathers no moss. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Actions speak louder than words. We all know clichés! But what is a cliché, anyway?
Cliché: an expression or idea which has been used and overused because it is or was once considered meaningful.
I also learned that cliché comes from the French. In old printing presses, a cliché was a physical metal printing plate that was also called a stereotype. Over time it made sense to cast commonly used phrases in a single slug of metal instead of letter by letter. So a cliché was a collection of words used together often.
Once I learned what a cliché was, I started looking up lists of clichés.
The most timeless advice of all.
I found as many as I could.
And guess what I saw?
Lots of clichés conflict, too!
What’s the single biggest problem with all advice you will ever receive?
The fact there is no such thing as rock-solid advice.
There just isn’t any.
No advice bird in the bush (what if you’re vegetarian?), nothing you can hang your hat on (what if you don’t wear hats?), and nothing you can take to the bank (or bank online?).
Advice is never objectively true in all situations.
How unsettling!
What’s the proof?
The proof is that even well-worn clichés look flimsy lined up against their exact opposite.
All advice conflicts!
Have you ever decided what school to go to? Do you notice everyone has a different opinion? Ignore them. Go with The Bench Test. Follow your heart. Have you ever told people what you’re naming your baby? Bad idea. Advice comes flying at you. Have you tried asking for advice on what job to do next in your career? Go up, go across, just leave? Everyone says something different. Everyone says go somewhere different and do something different.
Recently, a friend of mine announced she was quitting. Some said, “Great idea, you’re free, get out of here!” and others said, “You’re an idiot! This is the best place to work.”
Remember: Advice reflects the adviser’s thoughts, not your thoughts.
Ads tells you one thing, your boss says another, parents tell you one thing, friends say another.
And advice is important for a while.
Watch out for cars. Don’t eat worms. Flush the toilet.
But happy people know when it’s important to stop taking advice and start listening to yourself.
Any cliché, quote, or piece of advice that resonates with you only confirms to your mind something you already know.
Charles Varlet wrote back in 1872, “When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice.”
That’s why we like certain advice and don’t like other advice. It’s the reason people read newspapers that conform to their views as opposed to the ones against them.
So what’s the single best piece of advice you’ll ever take?
Don’t take advice.
The answers are all inside you.
Think deep and decide what’s best.
Go forth and be happy.
And don’t take advice.
Thank You
Always remember there are only three goals.
To want nothing. That’s contentment.
To do anything. That’s freedom.
To have everything. That’s happiness.
What are the nine secrets to get us there?
Acknowledgements
Thank you.
Life is just a series of conversations, and that was one of the best conversations of my life. We’ve shared ideas, had lots of laughs, and grown together. I am so grateful to everyone who helped get us to this place.
To all the incredible people at G. P. Putnam’s Sons and Penguin Books, we are playing a team game. And you are my team. Special thanks to Ivan Held for your vision for this book and your belief in me. We’re on an exciting road.
To my editor, Kerri Kolen, where did you come from? You made me believe in fate. Thank you for your strength, conviction, and passion. You are top class, world class, and all class. I love working with you.
To my agent, Erin Malone, thank you for your fire and energy. We’re on such a wild ride together. Thank you for the ticket.
To the teams at Speaker’s Spotlight, Washington Speakers Bureau, The Lavin Agency, and Hi-Cue, thank you for spreading happiness around the world.
I am constantly inspired by great writers and artists whose passion broadens me and keeps me pushing. Thank you to Steve Toltz, Mohsin Hamid, David Mitchell, Alice Munro, Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze, Tim Ferriss, Nicole Katsuras, Rainn Wilson, Bill Waterson, Stephen Malkmus, Wayne Coyne, and Matt Berninger.