There, it was out, and he started to shake as the emotions started to well up. Sally stared at him, and she started to realise what pressures he had been carrying and keeping locked up tight inside him.
She touched his hand and he started to cry. She held him as he let his head fall onto her shoulder and the tears flowed. He cried for a long time. The release of pent-up emotions and tensions took ages to come out. She’d been dying to get this close to him, but these weren’t the circumstances she’d imagined.
“Shit, you poor sod!” she said, and he started to laugh.
“Yeah.”
“Oh, Kyle, I never knew. How long have you felt like this?”
“It sort of dawned on me a few years back, I was about ten or so, but I knew something was wrong when I was very little. I suppose I didn’t want to think about it too much. I just knew that I wasn’t right as I am.”
“That explains a hell of a lot,” she said.
“What?”
“Just why you never came on to me, even when I gave you all the signals. Shit, you’re just another girl at heart, aren’t you?”
He nodded and smiled, with little humour.
“Do you fancy boys?”
He shook his head.
“To be honest, I don’t think I fancy anyone. I just want to find out who I really am first.”
She stroked his face, brushing his hair back from his cheeks. She looked closely at him, and began to see him in a new light.
“Have you ever, you know, dressed up as a girl?”
He nodded.
“Ages ago, but I stopped because it wasn’t right. Oh Sal, I want to be a real girl, not some drag artist!”
The tears of frustration welled up again, so she wiped his damp cheek.
“I’m so sorry Sally. I’d really love to be the boy you thought I was. I just can’t pretend very well.”
She smiled.
“Yeah, well, it’s not to be. So, what do you say we make you into the girl you want to be?”
He shook his head.
“I don’t want to pretend. Yes, I want to be a girl, but not just on the outside.”
“You have to start somewhere. Besides, I’m curious.”
“About what?”
“About what you’d look like. I reckon you’d be stunning.”
“I’d be a boy dressed up as a girl,” he said, the bitterness seeping from every word.
“That depends of your mind-set. If you start to build a female side, then you can be whoever you want to be.”
He frowned.
“Kyle, you don’t have to stay like this. There are ways to change, these days. It’s not such a big deal.”
“My parents…”
“Kyle, they have their lives, you have yours. You must do what you can to be happy and fulfilled. If it means changing stuff, then change!”
“It’s expensive.”
She looked at him.
“Are you frightened?”
He nodded.
“Then let me help you. Come back to my place, and we can talk about it a bit more.”
He shook his head again.
“Not tonight. I need to think about things. You won’t tell anyone, will you?”
She smiled.
“No, of course not. Look, come by after school tomorrow.”
“Okay, maybe. Sally, I’m so sorry. If you want we could go to the Summer Ball together?”
“Oh, we will, we will!” she said, but with a strange glint in her eye.
She gave him a hug and he left her. She watched him walk off, his head hanging, and hands in his pockets. He looked miserable.
2.
The school cafeteria was packed, so Kyle sat by himself in a corner. Ricky was at the servery, and by the looks of things, he was in yet another argument with Roger Filby.
Sally came and sat with him.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah. Thanks for listening last night. I feel a bit better having told someone.”
She touched his hand.
“No problem, that’s what we girls do, stick together.”
He looked round in a panic, as he realised what she had said.
“Kyle, relax. It’s cool.”
“Sorry. I guess I’m a bit sensitive.”
“I know. It’s just I really do see you as a girl. It explains so much.”
“So, are you going to come as my partner to the ball?” he asked.
“We’ll go together, but not as partners.”
He frowned, but couldn’t say anything as Peter Groves ambled over. He sat opposite Sally, nodding amiably at Kyle without really seeing him.
“Hi Sally, had enough time yet?”
“Hmm, what’s it worth?”
He laughed, and shook his head.
“Ah, there is a long line of wannabes if you should turn me down!”
Sally looked slightly hurt, and Kyle could see a spark of resentment in her eyes. So did Pete, so he immediately softened the statement by saying, “But of course you’re my first choice.”
“When do you want to know by?”
“How about this evening?”
“Oh? The Ball isn’t until July.”
“I have to make plans,” he said, smiling. He had a charming smile.
“I see, frightened that the best will all be snapped up?” she said, slightly sarcastically.
He just grinned.
“I guarantee that who ever I take will be the best,” he said.
“Oh, you never know, you may have to go with another bloke.”
“Not me!” he said and grinned again. He was certainly rather arrogant.
“Well, I think you’d better ask a wannabe, because I don’t like being given short deadlines.” Sally said, and Pete looked a little crestfallen for a moment. It was as if he wasn’t used to being turned down by a girl who wasn’t obviously already going out with someone.
Kyle suppressed a grin of triumph, as he did feel slightly jealous, and yet he didn’t really want to go at all.
“Your loss, Sally. If you change your mind, give me a ring this evening.”
He stood up and walked off.
“That self-opinionated sod!” said Sally, with some feeling.
Kyle was watching him as he wandered over to another group of girls. There were many smiles and they made room for him to sit in their midst.
“He’s very good looking, and knows it,” he said.
“Oh-ho, fancy him do we?” Sally asked with a cheeky grin.
Kyle shook his head.
“Not really. I’d rather be someone like that, in that he is in no doubt who he is.”
Sally took her friend’s hand.
“Is it that bad?”
Kyle looked into her eyes. She saw the deep hurt and anguish he was suffering.
He nodded.
“I wish it wasn’t. I so often just try to banish all my feelings, but they don’t go away. You have no idea how hard it is, fighting those feelings nearly every minute of every day.”
“Do they never go away?”
“Sometimes, if I get involved in something. A couple of times I went for days without thinking about it. But they came back even stronger, and that seems to be the pattern.”
Sally took his hand on top of the table, and gave it a squeeze. She smiled and looked at her watch.
“I have to go. I have an assignment to pick up. What time can you come round?” she asked.
“Um, I should be free after two. I could come then.”
“Fine. I’ll see you at two-ish, then,” she said, and they parted.
He arrived on his bike, just after five past two. Sally lived quite close to him down the Radley Road. The house was a detached home with five bedrooms, and was set back from the quiet road. He parked his bike out of the way and walked up to the front door. Sally opened it before he got there.
“Hi, you okay?” she said.
Kyle nodded.
She took him in, and they went into the kitchen.
Sally had changed into a pair of shorts and a pretty top.
“I like your top, it suits you,” he said, as she poured them both a drink.