"Reed." I licked my lips and took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry for walking out on you this morning." I cringed as the words came out of my mouth. I knew what I’d done was terrible, but as I actually said the words, it made me feel even worse—something I didn't think was possible. He didn't say anything in response. I think he was waiting for more of an explanation. "It's not something I've done before." I continued to ramble, hating the silence between us. "It's just my life… It's complicated right now. I don't need any distractions." The words fell out of my mouth and it was only then when I actually heard them. I’d just called him a distraction.
Biting my lip, I cursed under my breath. I dared to glance up at him again. He was still looking at me, but his expression had changed. He was clearly hurt by the words I just said. I wished I could give him a better explanation, but the only thing that would make sense would be the truth, and I wasn't quite ready to tell him that yet.
After a long moment, he nodded his head slowly, finally ending the silence and speaking. "You can save me the it's-not-you-it's-me speech. You don't owe me an explanation. I just wanted to come tell you what happened between us this weekend shouldn't affect your work." His tone was stern, cold, and distant. "You don't have to give up the Black and White event. It's important to Lexi and she wanted you to be a part of it. If you think this weekend was a mistake, we can leave it at that and it won't ever happen again."
My heart squeezed when I heard the word "mistake" come out of his mouth. I wasn't expecting his words to hurt so much. The strange thing was that it took him saying the word for me to realize I didn't feel like this weekend or what happened between us was a mistake, but I didn't tell him that. I knew I had to remain strong. I couldn't let anything like that happen again and that meant distancing myself from Reed as much as possible.
"Reed, the reason I gave the Black and White event to Christine has nothing to do with what happened between us this weekend. I talked to Sharon about giving it to Christine last week, before this weekend even happened. It's more about my life and how complicated it is. The press and pictures, it's just too much for me right now." I paused for a moment before continuing. "I called Lexi earlier and told her. I wanted her to hear it from me."
He nodded again. "I know. She's the one who called to tell me."
"Christine has more experience." I continued to explain. "She'll do a better job. I'll still be involved with some of the things."
"But Lexi wanted you to do this." His voice was clipped, serious. I started to wonder if he felt like I was really letting Lexi down or if his ego got wounded when he woke up and found me missing this morning.
"Lexi understands," I said, keeping my tone smooth. I didn't want to hurt him more than he already was.
He looked at me with a serious expression. "It's more than that, isn't it? There's something you're not telling me. I've seen fear in someone's eyes, Emily. I've seen my sister shudder at the sounds of a car door slamming because it sounded like a gunshot. I've seen her completely shut down at the smell of a match or seeing a flame in a fire. I've seen fear in her eyes, Emily, and I see it in yours, too. Just tell me the truth."
My whole body felt limp. I couldn't breathe even though I was pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. I was shocked at his presumption. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine," I mumbled.
"Really? Is that why you trembled last night when I touched you?" He took a small step inside my office. "Even when you said it was okay, you looked like you were scared to death. I'm wondering now if I'm the one who made a mistake. Did I push you to do something you weren't ready for? If I did, I'm sorry. I wanted you and I thought you wanted me, too."
The look on his face broke my heart. He honestly thought he'd hurt me. "I told you. It's nothing you did wrong. It's me. My life is just a little complicated right now.” I paused and closed my eyes. “Reed, I enjoyed last night. More than I can tell you. It was amazing, thrilling, and scary all at the same time. I’m just working through a few things right now and there are things in my past that I just… I need some space."
His forehead creased. "But that's just it. You're not leaving it in the past. You won't allow yourself to get close to anyone because of your past, because you're afraid of something. I don't know what you went through, but I saw Lexi do the same thing you're doing. She shut down. She pushed away anyone who tried to love her and help her. You're letting your past dictate your future." He stopped and bit down on his bottom lip, almost as if he were trying to keep from saying something. Maybe something he'd regret later.
The words he spoke were true. My past was dictating my future. Maybe the demons I thought I had buried weren't buried at all. Maybe they were still there, sitting on the surface, keeping me from moving on with my life. Jake would be thrilled to know he was still controlling me.
Reed had no idea what I'd been through, what I was running from and what Jake would do to me if he found me, what he would do to the people I cared about.
"I told myself I wasn't going to do this," he said, bringing me out of my reverie. "I wasn't going to come here and try to change your mind. If you don't want to have anything to do with me, that's fine, but do one thing for me. Don't shut Lexi out. You're one of the first people she's let close these last few years. If it'll make it easier, I'll only deal with Sharon and Christine from now on. You and I don't even have to see each other."
The lump in my throat was big and getting bigger with each passing second. "I just need some space right now."
He met my eyes again. For a long moment, we just stared at one another before he finally said, "Okay, if that's how you feel, I understand."
The way he stared at me caused my chest to ache. The time we shared together this weekend had been amazing. I knew I was pushing him away. Maybe he was right; maybe that's what I was trying to do. Maybe I didn't want to let anyone close because I was afraid of getting hurt again.
There was also a part of me that wanted so badly to say something. To tell him I was sorry. To tell him why I really had to do this. To tell him the truth about everything. I didn't, though. I knew the best thing right now was to try and make a clean break.
10
THE NEXT week was miserable. I had a feeling that tonight would be even more so. I’d done everything in my power to avoid thinking about Reed, including talking to Lexi. I knew it was rude to ignore her phone calls and not return her texts, but I was afraid she would see right through me. She would know something was wrong and eventually find out something happened between Reed and me. I just couldn't face that right now.
Tonight was our self-defense class and I knew I would have to face her. I'd thought about skipping it a few times, but these classes were the only thing that gave me a sense of power and hope.
"Hey, there you are." Lexi jogged over to me as I entered the room. "I've been trying to get ahold of you all week."
I turned away from her as I pulled out my towel and water bottle. "Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been busy with work." I felt horrible lying to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth. "The Black and White event is coming along really well, though."
From the way her face fell, it was almost like she knew I was lying to her.
"Oh, well, that's good to hear." She frowned. "Well, I guess I'll see you later." Without another word, she turned away from me and took her position on the mat.