Funny how some rumors never die, no matter how many times you try to kill them. Before I could say anything, Haven answered, «Do you believe every rumor you hear?»
«They are not rumors, if they are true.»
«You thought I was sleeping with your little lions, and I wasn't.»
«You say you weren't.»
«Get him out of here,» Haven said.
The vampires looked at me. I nodded.
They started escorting Joseph to the door.
«You condemn me to death, Anita,» he called back over his shoulder.
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. You can't save everybody, and we couldn't afford to have any ally that wasn't with us completely. It wasn't just the sex. There'd been no lion in his pride good enough to be a bodyguard. Not a single one. You couldn't be that weak and survive.
Wicked was saying something to Joseph, low and urgent. His grip on the man's arm was tight enough to show at a distance. Whatever he said quieted the protests and sent him out the door.
«What did you say to him, Wicked?» I asked.
«I told him that the werelion had given him tonight to be safe, but if he kept saying mean things about our masters, I'd just do him tonight.»
«It's my fight,» Haven said.
«I said that I'd do him, not that I'd kill him. After everything he'd just said, I figured rape would scare him enough to get him out of here.»
«You don't like guys,» I said.
«You don't know what I like. You've worked hard not to know. My pride's hurt, but I'll get over it. But Joseph would believe anything of Jean-Claude's people, even male-on-male rape.»
«So there really is a rumor that no one gets to join Jean-Claude's kiss without fucking him.»
«Or you,» Truth said.
«I'm really disappointed that one isn't true, by the way,» Wicked said, with a grin.
«Me, too,» Graham said.
I gave them both the look they deserved.
«I do not wish to,» Truth said.
They looked at him. «Why not?» Graham asked.
«Because I am already much in thrall to Anita. If I bedded her, I would be little more than the slave Joseph accused us of being.»
«Trust me, guys, you're overestimating my appeal,» I said.
«I don't know about that,» Haven said. He spread my hand on his palm and touched my hand with the fingers of his other hand. «You have such small hands.»
«Delicate and dangerous,» Wicked said.
Haven started talking, almost as if to himself. «I'm not a complicated guy. I know that. I'm not stupid, but I'm not exactly a brain trust either. I know that, too. I like being a guy. I like being muscle. I like hurting people. I don't mind killing people. I like my job. I like drinking with the guys, a little poker, and strip clubs, fucking. It was a good life.»
«You make it sound like it's over,» I said.
«I went back to Chicago, to my life, but it didn't work anymore. I still liked hurting people, but I started wondering if you'd hate me for doing some of the stuff Auggie had me doing. I kept thinking, What would she think? Wondering what you'd think started getting in the way of my job. Auggie noticed it.»
«I sent you back home, Haven. I didn't make you think about me.» I tried to take my hand back, but he wrapped those long fingers around me, and I didn't fight it.
«Yeah, you did, Anita, maybe not on purpose, but you did. First it fucked up my job, then it fucked up my fun. I started looking at my friends and what we did, and thought, She'd be disappointed. She'd think it was stupid.» He shook his head. «Damn it, I've never let any woman mess me up like this.»
«Haven, I…»
«Let me finish,» he said.
I wasn't sure I wanted him to finish, but I let him.
«Women are just for fucking, or marrying so you can have kids if you want them. Women don't count, not in my world, not in Auggie's world. But you counted, to him, and to me. But especially to me. No matter what woman I was with, or how good the sex was, the moment it was over, it felt bad. It wasn't enough. Damn you, damn you, I started thinking about relationships. Having a girl to talk to. Stupid shit that I gave up before I hit fifteen, and suddenly it was all back. I was this kid again, thinking there was more to life than being muscle for Auggie. There isn't more to life, Anita. There isn't anymore.» His voice had sunk to a low growl.
I didn't know what to say. Sorry seemed lame, and It's not my fault seemed worse. I didn't mean to fuck up your life seemed the most accurate. I finally settled for, «I didn't make you rethink your life, Haven.»
«Yeah, you did. Auggie says you did. He says you didn't mean to do it, but you mind-fucked me just like Belle Morte does, or can. I'm your lion, Anita. I'm yours. Yours in a way I've never been anyone's. You make me want to be a better person. How fucking lame is that?»
Truth's quiet voice came. «A lady always makes a man want to be better than he is. Belle Morte did not make anyone want to be better. She made you obsess about her, follow her like a dog, but you did not think, Will she think less of me if I do this awful thing? She did things so much worse than anything we were willing to do; even Wicked found her immoral.»
«Auggie said it was the same mind-fucking shit that Belle Morte did.»
«Your attraction to Anita may have been vampire powers, but your reaction to her beyond that is not,» Wicked said, and there was a note of almost sadness to his voice.
«What does that mean?» Haven asked, his voice irritated.
«It means, my good fellow,» Wicked said, «you're in love with the woman.»
«No,» Haven said.
«Only love of a good woman will make a man question every choice, every action. Only love makes a warrior hesitate for fear that his lady will find him cruel. Only love makes a man both the best he will ever be, and the weakest. Sometimes all in the same moment.»
I didn't know what to say. It seemed like I should say something. Maybe I wasn't in love with him. Or maybe it was just lust. Or… but one thing had to be clear between us.
«I appreciate all the honesty, Haven, really I do, but I need to be certain you understand a few things.»
He gave me a look that was both angry and uneasy. «What things?»
«You've done good. You checked with all the other group leaders. That was great. But I haven't said I'd make you one of my boyfriends.»
He squeezed my hand, traced his fingers across my wrist. I had to fight not to shiver under even that small touch. I knew this reaction. It was too close to how Micah had affected me, too damn close. But when Micah came into my life the ardeur was brand new, and so was having my own beasts. I wasn't new at controlling all of it now. Thank God.
«Your pulse speeds up just from that little touch. How can you say you don't want me?»
«I didn't say I didn't want you. But my life works, mostly. I like living with Micah and Nathaniel. I like bunking over with Jean-Claude and Asher. I don't need another man in my life who won't share. Frankly, I'm trying to thin down the number of men in my life. I really don't want another one.»
«What are you saying?»
«I'm saying, don't come down here thinking it's a done deal between us. Don't take it for granted that you'll be able to fit into my life.»
He let go of my hand, then, and the look was so cold. «I talk to you like I've never talked to another woman, and this is what I get?»
«Yeah, because my life works. The coalition works. The power structure in this territory works. I won't jeopardize it, not for lust, or even for love.»
«Ask her how she feels about you,» Truth said.
Haven shook his head.
«Tell him how you feel, Anita.»
I didn't want to, but Truth was right. One, Haven had been honest with me. Two, a man's ego is a fragile thing sometimes. The toughest men sometimes are the easiest hurt, and hardest to heal. I didn't know what Haven and I would be doing with each other, but whatever we were going to do, it needed to be honest.
«I thought about you while you were in Chicago, but not to the extent you thought about me. I sent you away because I wanted to touch you. I wanted to be naked with you, and do all the things you do when the clothes come off.»