Bauchelain collected Necrotus in both hands and straightened. There was something oddly disturbing about the necromancer’s expression as he studied the king.
“Am I speaking only in my head?” Necrotus asked. “Uh, as it were. I mean, can you hear me?”
“I can hear you fine, King Necrotus,” Bauchelain replied after a moment, angling the head this way and that.
“Just a little off the top?” the king asked in a half-snarl.
“I have,” Bauchelain said, “a glass case that would fit you nicely.”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Yes, a nice fit indeed. Well, this is a bonus, isn’t it?”
“That’s diabolical!”
“Why yes, thank you.”
Necrotus was tucked under Bauchelain’s left arm, affording him a jostling view of the street they now walked down. The king was furious, but there was little he could do about it. Oh, his kingdom for a body! “You’ll keep it wiped clean, won’t you?”
“Of course, King Necrotus,” Bauchelain replied. “Ah, I see the edges of a crowd. I believe we approach the Grand Temple.”
“And what are we going to do there?”
“Why, a grand unveiling to close this fell night.”
“It’s a tunnel of sorts,” Imid Factallo said.
“I can see that,” Elas Sil snapped.
“We’ve no choice. I can hear those terrifying little whelps.”
“I know I know! All right, I’ll lead, and close that panel behind us.”
They had stumbled on the secret passage only because someone had left the small door wide open. From somewhere up the corridor behind them came the dread, blood-curdling sounds of excited children.
Imid followed Elas into the tunnel’s narrow confines, then twisted about to tug the panel back in place. Sudden darkness.
“By the Lady’s never-sucked teats!”
“Elas Sil!”
“Oh shut up! I’m a woman, I can curse about things like that. Wait, it’s not as dark up ahead. Come on, and hasn’t that baby of yours been asleep a long time? You sure it’s not dead?”
“Well, it peed on me halfway down that last corridor, and last I looked it was smiling.”
“Huh. It ever amazes me women get talked into motherhood.”
“Talked into it? Don’t be ridiculous, Elas. They’re desperate for it!”
“Only once and that once is the first time.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t care what you believe. You’re a man, after all. All I know is, I happen to value a full night’s sleep a lot more than flinging another urchin into this all-too-crowded city, then sagging everywhere as my only reward. No thanks. I intend to stay pert forever.”
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way,” Imid said.
“You’ve only your mother for comparison and she had you, didn’t she?”
“So how come you don’t get pregnant-I mean, what we did this afternoon-”
“Willpower. Look, it’s getting lighter-there’s some kind of room up ahead.”
“Hear all that noise above us? Something awful’s happening in the concourse, Elas Sil-and it seems we’re getting closer to it, or maybe it’s getting closer to us.”
“Abyss below, Imid, do you ever stop moaning?”
They clambered out into a strange circular room, the floor set with pavestones except in the middle, where rested a single slab of polished wood that shifted beneath them, as if unanchored. The domed ceiling was barely high enough for them to kneel anywhere but in the middle, and it turned out the extra room in the centre came from a square shaft leading straight up, as far as they could see. Off to one side sat a lantern, burning out the last of its oil. The room smelled of sweat.
“Now what?” Imid asked.
“Put that damned baby down,” Elas Sil said, oddly breathless.
Imid adjusted the blanket’s folds, then gently laid the baby to one side, onto the pavestones. It cooed, then rolled onto its side and spat up. Briefly. Once done, it settled onto its back once more, closed its eyes and was asleep. Imid backed away.
The lantern dimmed, then winked out.
Hot skin-arms, thighs-“Elas!” Imid gasped as he was pulled round. “Not in front of the baby!”
But she wasn’t listening.
The necromancer had that certain quality, Ineb Cough reflected, to clear a path before him, seemingly effortless and without a word spoken. Sounds died away, as if Bauchelain was a pebble of silence flung into a loud pond. A pond filled with loud fish, that is. Perhaps. In any case, Ineb marveled at the way things got quiet as Bauchelain, an extra head tucked under one arm, made his way to the temple steps and ascended to the platform, positioning himself to the left of the altar as he faced the now rapt crowd.
The necromancer cocked his head (his own, the one atop his shoulders) for a moment, and Ineb Cough felt a subtle outflow of sorcerous power-power of such terrible magnitude that the Demon felt his knees weaken beneath him. For all his confidence, and Nauseo Sloven’s, it was now clear that Ineb, Corpulence and Sloth were as babes before this man. “He could take us,” the Demon of Vice whimpered, a bottle of wine falling from his hand to crash on the cobbles. “He could bind us and not raise a single bead of sweat in the effort. Oh. Oh no.”
Bauchelain raised his right hand and a sudden hush descended upon the massed citizens in the concourse. Under his left arm, King Necrotus’s head faced outward as well, bizarre grimacing expressions writhing on its withered features. The necromancer spoke, “People of Quaint, hear me! You have, until this night, been the victims of a terrible deceit. Said deceit will be revealed to you here, and now.” That upraised hand then slowly closed into a fist.
A muted scream from… somewhere, and nowhere.
A figure blurred into being directly beneath Bauchelain’s hand.
Ineb Cough started. “That!” he shouted. “That’s Lust! The Demoness of Lust! That’s Agin Again!”
The voluptuous, naked woman, bound in place by Bauchelain’s conjuring, shrieked in terror.
“An imposter!” the necromancer bellowed. “Hiding in the guise of the Lady of Beneficence! Do you think Lust thrives only in matters of sex and sordid indulgences? If so, my friends, you are wrong! Lust is born of obsession! Obsession begets zealotry! Zealotry breeds deadly intolerance! Intolerance leads to oppression, and oppression to tyranny. And tyranny, citizens of Quaint, leads to-”
“The end of civilisation!” a thousand voices roared.
Lust cried, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!”
“Indeed,” Bauchelain said in response to the crowd’s proclamation, ignoring Agin Again, who now wept unconvincingly. “And so,” the necromancer continued, “wisdom returns to Quaint. Your faith had been subverted, twisted into hateful fanaticism. But of that, no more need be said. It does grieve me, alas, to inform you now of the death of King Macrotus.” He shook his head. “No, not by my hand. He is dead of exercise. And has been for some time. Alas, he could not be here to tell you himself, for the chamber where his body resides is warded, and so he cannot be raised. But it would do you all well to pay a visit to his Royal chamber. Consider it a worthy shrine to ever remind you of the deadly lure of lustful activity left unrestrained.”
He paused then, looking about, studying the upturned faces, then nodded as if to himself. “Citizens, I shall now proclaim your new rulers. Worthy individuals indeed, iconic representations of all that is proper, individuals you will be delighted to emulate in all matters of behaviour and comportment.” Another gesture, and Agin Again was suddenly released. Wailing, she leapt upright, then fled.
From the altar came a heavy grinding sound.
Bauchelain half-turned, twitched a finger and the altar rose into the air.
In time to reveal, rising from a subterranean platform, Quaint’s new king and queen.
Locked into a most amorous embrace and momentarily oblivious to their own arrival, so intent was their missionary zeal.
A draft such as is common during the night alerted them to the change of venue. And two heads lifted clear, looked out dumbly upon the vast crowd.