Don’t let me leave! Don’t let me go! Keep me there! Abbi! Ummi! Aisha! Please! Don’t let me leave!
My fist is clenched so tight that my nails start digging into my palm. The car begins to pull away. I’m drifting away from my family, going down a path that they cannot follow. Why don’t I stay?
It’s not too late! Don’t let me leave, Abbi! Don’t let me leave! Please! Don’t send me into this nightmare! Say something! Stop the car! Do something!
We grow further and further away. I’m condemning my family. My mind is begging me to end this—to somehow change what happens, but I am powerless. I can’t change anything. Again, I leave them standing there and disappear into the abyss.
Why did I go! I should have stayed! I should have never gotten in that forsaken car! Never left! I would have rather died at my house than survive in this nightmare! You—you idiot! You stupid boy! Why didn’t you stay! Why did you leave them all to die!?
Tears continue streaking down my cheeks. They leave my face damp as they roll off my face and soak the bed sheets. I thought I was brave. But now I know it was only because I was with Salman and Fatima. I’m alone. For once in my life, I am truly alone. Why is this happening to me? Is God really watching this all unfold? I’ve lost everything to faceless monsters: my home, family, and friends. Now they’ve stolen any childhood that remained inside of me. Even if I possessed the courage to fight and seek vengeance, I wouldn’t know where to swing.
If You are watching, why don’t You do anything? Why—why don’t You stop this all from happening! What have I done—what have any of us done to deserve this!?
“I don’t… understand.” My feeble words are not even a whimper. “I—I can’t hear You. What do You want from us… from me…”
These monsters left me with nothing. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do when the sun rises. Days ago, I was a boy with everything in the world. I just never knew it. Now, I am nothing more than an orphaned boy left to fend for himself in a city that has forgotten what it used to be.
I finally know what destitution is.
Chapter 23
A Final Meal
My tears finally run dry. The night is dark, the silence unsettling. Staying in the fetal position, I feel the moist sheets beneath me. My face remains wet, and I don’t possess the willpower to wipe away the tears.
How long has it been since Ethan left? Two hours? Three? My tired gaze stays focused on the closed door. I can’t stop thinking about all I’ve lost—how I’ve been stripped of everything I ever held dear. The more I do, the further I lose any will to ever step out of that door. I just want it all to end.
Some conversation spills in from the next room every now and then. It sounds like a woman’s voice. It’s more than likely Saba and Ethan. I can’t make out their words, but Saba seems… seems just like me. Her voice is tired and fearful. However, Ethan remains the same: confident. Doesn’t he see what’s happening?
This is the first night in a long time that I’ve been given the chance to rest. It feels… wrong. The part of me that doesn’t want this suffering to end thinks I should be out there on the move. Where should I be going? I have no clue. As the night passes, a guilty pit forms in my stomach.
I keep replaying the blast in my head. The moment before the bomb hit, Salman and Fatima were a step away. I could reach out and touch them. But then everything went ablaze. They disappeared as if they never existed. After everything we survived, everything we endured, they went out like that.
Even through the chaos in my mind, I know what is going to happen soon. I have to make a choice. I can keep trekking to the north… alone. Or I can go west with Ethan and Saba, perhaps the last two friendly faces I will ever meet. North to more destruction. West to a sanctuary.
What am I supposed to do? The more I think, the more painful that pit in my gut grows. Keep trudging towards Ballermourn alone? I’m no Salman or Nabeel. I can’t survive out there on my own. I barely survived with my friends. Out there are enemies on every side: soldiers, rebels, people like Faisal and Amaan. I can’t even tell friend from foe. It’s a fool’s dream. Maybe it always was. Why couldn’t Salman see it? Why was he so set on going north? If we had left towards Mansoura, maybe he’d still be…
I let out an aggravated groan. My fist trembles and is clenched so tightly that it hurts. There’s no use in speculating. It doesn’t matter anymore, none of it does. Salman and Fatima are gone. That’s the fact, and I need to accept it no matter how hard it is.
Shutting my eyes, I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I know what I must do. It’s not even a choice. I can’t keep heading north. There’s nothing there for me. Nothing but misery. I have to go with Ethan and Saba. It’s my only chance. I think it’s what Salman would want me to—
A knock on my door diverts my attention. It opens and Ethan steps inside with a plate in his hands. Is that… chicken! And rice. I stare at them as if they’re foreign dishes. Where did he get that from? As he comes halfway to the bed, I finally rip my gaze off of the plate and on to him. His face is gentle as he moves across the floor.
“Hope you’re hungry, Zaid.”
I sit upright as he arrives. Taking the plate into my hands, I set it on my lap. Looking down at the food, I blink several times. My mind isn’t playing tricks. I smell the aroma of the warm meat and rice.
“You feeling okay, kid?”
My gaze looks back at him. “I’m fine.”
He glances down at my injured hand. “That bandaging was done pretty well. I checked it over when I found you. Was it your friend?”
I nod.
“They must’ve really cared about you. It’s good that you were with people you loved when all this began. Many weren’t so lucky.”
“They were… the best thing I could have asked for. More than I deserved.”
Ethan is silent for a moment. “Make sure you eat up. You’ll need your strength.”
I almost ask him where he found the food, but I stop myself. It doesn’t really matter.
He takes a step back, preparing to leave. “Try and get some rest tonight, Zaid.”
“Ethan?”
“Yes.”
“I…” Reliving the blast that took my friends, reliving the chaos, my voice and eyes start to tremble. “I don’t want to die.”
Uttering those words drives a spear right through my soul. Tears begin welling in my eyes as all the losses flood back. Ethan’s hand gently comes onto my shoulder. His eyes grow more genuine. “I know you’re scared, Zaid. Everybody is. But don’t let that control you.”
I can’t reply.
“You’re missing your friends and your family. I heard you after I left. I want to tell you that… it’s okay. But you have to be strong. If for nothing else, do it to honor their memory. If you can’t be strong for yourself, do it for them, Zaid. That’s what they’d want. I know it.”
My gaze leaves him as I slowly nod. He’s trying to console me the only way he can, but his words do little to help. I don’t think what I’m facing is something that anybody can take away with just a few words.
Ethan starts to head back towards the corridor. He moves slowly, as if contemplating whether or not he should stay with me. When he’s halfway to the door, my voice cuts into the air. “Why would you do that, Ethan?”
He stops and turns around. “Do what?”
“Come to a place like this?”
Ethan glances away for a moment. His eyes seem distant as he replies, “Because there are things more important than my own life. And if I can save one life, I may have just as well saved humanity.”