'Why did Pinar stay behind?'
'Urn, well…' He hesitated, flushing. 'She's pregnant. Not by very long, of course, but she's not that young, and she carries the next Mirager. Temellin wouldn't let her ride with them.'
Illogically, that hurt. I pushed the pain away; I didn't have time for it. And then the thought came, uninvited: another baby. Another woman who could die instead of me… I pushed that thought away too. I would think about it later. 'Garis, I want you to free me so I can deal with the Stalwarts.'
'Shirin – you know I can't do that.' There wasn't another chair, so he flung himself down on my pallet and began to pluck at the threads of my quilt.
'You must. First I'm going to tell you the whole truth about myself… about how and why I became a Compeer of the Brotherhood. Then I want you to go and get Aemid – how is she, by the way? Reftim said she was better.'
'She is. She says she feels ten years younger. Apparentiy her heart was weak and some of the Magor have been practising their healing skills on her. But still, she doesn't look happy. She doesn't say much to anyone, either.'
'And Brand?'
'He's fine. He was bored out of his mind at first, but then Temellin gave permission for him to go to the practice rooms for weapons training – under strict supervision and warding. I don't think Temellin intends for his imprisonment to be permanent. I go and see him in his room sometimes, and so do some of the others. He made a lot of friends while he was training with the troops, you know; he is well liked. Caleh asked to be allowed to sleep with him, so he has company on his pallet as well.'
I gave a wry smile. Trust Brand.
'Garis, I want you to take Aemid to Brand and question him about me, with Aemid there, so she can confirm what he says about my past. Ask him, too, about Pinar's first attempt on my life. Ask Reftim about the second; I think he may tell you. He feels guilty about it, I know. Once you have done all that, perhaps you may be more willing to believe me. But first let me tell you about myself, about how I ever got mixed up with the Brotherhood in the first place.'
s 'E im -m: ¦ '•¦ \
He glanced at me warily, as if wondering what trick I was up to now. ¦y.--:r. ¦'.¦-.
I licked dry lips. 'It's not an easy story to tell. It was
Brand who prodded me into seeing the truth. Even
then, I didn't want to believe what was so painful. I
was used, Garis. I've been used all my life, and by the
' men I most wanted to please.
'I don't really remember my early life in Kardiastan, but I do remember being terrified and among strangers and knowing my mother was dead. Then this man came and he treated me kindly. I thought he was very handsome. He said he would take me home and look after me, and he did. Eventually he took me back to his home in Tyr and gave me everything I wanted and taught me to call him Pater. I worshipped him. His wife ignored me, but I had Aemid to care for me, so I didn't mind.
'I grew up thinking I was lucky to have such a wonderful father. I didn't see all that much of him, but he was a busy and important man and everyone said he spent too much time with me anyway. All the while I thought it was because he loved me. Do you know how much children can deceive themselves, Garis? When they really want to believe something is true?'
It was a rhetorical question, so he didn't answer, but his interest was stirred and his gaze was fixed unwaveringly on my face.
I continued, 'But I was different from other children: I had a cabochon to tell me who was a liar and who wasn't. When I was very young I didn't understand what it was saying, but later I did – and you know what I did then? I deliberately shut it off whenever I was with my father. I blocked it out. I told myself that was the polite thing to do. I became so good at it that it became automatic: whenever Gayed
spoke to me, I had no feelings of truth or falsehood, no feelings of his mood or his emotions. Clever little Ligea, who needed to think herself loved… Goddess, what a baby I was!
'Brand saw through Gayed right away. He hinted at things back then, until I made it quite clear I wouldn't listen to such insinuations.
'When I was sixteen, all my friends were thinking of marriage, but Gayed was saying things like: "My little girl is not going to be like those silly friends of hers who think of nothing but pretty clothes and jewels and revels, is she? She's better than that. She's going to be like her father. She's going to serve the empire." And I swallowed it all. I thought it was marvellous he wanted me to take the place of the son he'd never had. I thought I was special.' I wondered if I were leaking anything of what I felt then. Bitterness, rage, hurt – it was all there, still passionately felt. Ashamed of my lack of restraint, I tried to hide it and continued on.
'Because I was female, I couldn't become a legionnaire or a statesman or a trailmaster or a trademaster, so that only left the semi-secret cabal of the Brotherhood. I was proud to join. Rathrox took me under his wing, almost unheard of for a novice, and taught me. Because I had special abilities, I proved to be good at my job.'
By this time, Garis was no longer lounging on my pallet. He was sitting up, chin propped on his good hand and arm, listening intensely. His tawny eyes sparkled; he always did like adventures. I went on: 'Brand tried to tell me what I ought to have known all along: they were laughing at me. Neither of us could have known the whole story, though. They intended to turn one of the Kardi highborn into a pawn of Tyrans, into a compeer whose duty it was to root out the
traitors to Tyrans. It was a deliberate joke on the part of the three of them: Gayed, Rathrox, and the Exaltarch, Bator Korbus. A private way they had of revenging themselves for the defeats they suffered while taking Kardiastan.
'Eventually I saw what Brand had been trying to show me for years. Eventually I added up all those times when I'd been given a clue, but had chosen to ignore it.
'Gayed is dead now, killed in a campaign. In a way, I had the last laugh on him without him ever knowing it. Ordinarily, his wife, Salacia would have inherited everything, but she died before he did, while he was on that last campaign. Under the laws of adoption, everything came to me. I'm sure it's not what he intended, but he hadn't made a will to say otherwise. He was the sort of man who believed in auguries, you see, and his augur had told him he would live to be an old man and would die on his pallet.
'Looking back, I think he hated me. I think he and Rathrox always planned for me to be sent to Kardiastan. They made sure I spoke Kardi, and spoke it well. It was some sort of terrible revenge their twisted minds devised; to use me against the land of my birth. They knew exactly who I was. They'd always known.'
Much of Rathrox's protestations of the Brotherhood's ignorance of things Kardi had been evasions. He'd always known I was Solad's daughter and, after Solad's death, the true ruler of Kardiastan. He'd known just who 'Mir Ager' was. No wonder Bator Korbus had laughed. This time the bitter rage I felt made Garis blink; I'd not bomered to conceal it. I did not, however, explain that I believed myself to be Solad and Wendia's daughter, not Ebelar and Niloufar's. I hadn't yet decided what to do with that knowledge.
Garis, frowning, went to stand by the window.
'I was very good at my job, Garis,' I said, speaking to his back. 'And they knew it. Rathrox, Korbus, they thought I had a good chance of bringing A Mir Ager, who was causing them all the trouble, to the stake for burning – whether he was the same one they'd caught in Sandmurram or not. I suspect once I was successful, once Temellin was dead, they had every intention of making it public just who had brought him in. One of the Kardi elite, a Magoria, would now be the rightful ruler of Kardiastan. Imagine the terrible blow that would have been to the Magor. Imagine the confusion of the ordinary Kardi. The knowledge would have shattered resistance.'
'They were going to make you the Mirager?'