'I won't be one lone woman for very long, Temellin. For every two citizens of Tyrans, there is a slave.'
His breath caught as he considered the enormity of what I planned to do, and the fire of his anger seared. I think he knew then that I needed justice for myself more than I needed him. More than I needed his son. How could such knowledge not hurt him? He was willing to sacrifice all he was for me, and I rejected that offering. Worse, the sacrifice I made, of my own chance at happiness, was made not for him, nor for our son – but for myself. I needed to bring down the men who had wronged me. I needed to obliterate the system that had made it possible. And I was willing to pay heavily.
He stepped away from me, but in the confines of that cabin there wasn't far he could go. I was so aware of the rage flaming through him.
'Yes,' he said. 'That is a reason I understand. There was a time when I burned with a similar passion for revenge. I grew out of it. Perhaps you're even right, we could become two reed monkeys fighting over the same stretch of rushes if you stayed, but I doubt it. I think what we had would have helped us rise above such pettiness.'
What we had. I heard the past tense and lowered my head so he wouldn't see the anguish in my eyes. 'I want justice. Not revenge.'
He snorted. 'Justice, revenge, whatever you call it. You will find out one day just how high the price you are going to pay really is.'
'I already know.'
'No. You haven't the faintest idea.' His scorn was obliterating, wiping my words away.
And, of course, he was right. I thought I knew, but I really had no idea at all…
If I had known, I would never have started.
By now his anger and his love and his hurt were so inextricably mixed, it was hard for him to pull them apart and for me to recognise them. When he showed me the way he felt, it was an assault on my senses, driving breath from my lungs. I turned away from him, leaning against the hull, resting my forehead against the boards. The cabin was awash with too much emotion.
There was a long silence until both of us had more control.
'Will you ever come back?' he asked finally.
'Yes, yes, of course.' I turned to face him. 'To see you – to see you both. And one day I shall come as Exaltarch, as the ruler of a State coming to visit a fellow monarch and his son.'
He stared, disbelieving. 'You're out of your mind! The Exaltarch? Cabochon, Derya -! How can you even envisage that? With a ragtag army of slaves more used to wielding a scythe or a pickaxe or a broom, against the empire's finest legionnaires? That's insane! And stupid. And it's not like you to be stupid.'
'I spent a lot of time warded in a room with no one to talk to, day after day. I did a lot of thinking about this. I have no intention of being stupid.'
There was another long silence. I could almost feel him dampening down his rage, smothering the flame, depriving it of fuel. It was still there, though, smouldering in some dark, deep recess of his soul. It always would be. What I was doing to him was just another form of betrayal and I was uniquely placed to know how much fury betrayal generates. Goddess, I thought, we are becoming experts at hurting one another.
Then his lips twitched, but there was more sardonic appreciation than amusement in the result. 'Sarana – you always were a little devil. I used to hate playing with you. Who'd have thought that would change so much?' He gave a laugh, half rueful, half bitter. 'Or maybe nothing's changed. You used to make me cry then, too. Ah, Derya – no, Sarana – fate played a nasty trick on us.'
'Do I go with your blessing then, Tem?'
He shook his head. 'Blessing? Never! But I don't know how to stop you.'
'No. That's because there is no way.' I let him feel the truth of that.
He threw up his hands in resignation. 'So when do you leave Ordensa?'
'We were just waiting for you to arrive. We'll sail tomorrow morning.'
He put his head on one side, regarding me with eyes that had lost their laughter and a gaze that hungered. 'I'm not your brother any more. Is that going to make any difference to how you spend the next few hours?'
I swear my heart stopped beating. 'Ah, yes. Um, it certainly could do.'
We both knew this time would be different. Our need was there, but the joyous sparkle had gone, and we both doubted we'd ever get it back.
But we still loved, oh, yes; only it was such a dark, grieving love.
No one gets to this point in writing a book without help, and I have been lucky enough to have had enthusiastic people supporting me all the way. Top of the list is always my agent, Dorothy Lumley, who has read this particular book so many times without ever losing her enthusiasm for it. My editor Stephanie Smith at HarperCollins Australia, and Kim Swivel, my copy editor, have helped to make it better, even when I thought I was done. And many thanks to my first readers whose appreciation kept me going, and whose criticism and eye for holes is so much appreciated: in this case my fellow Voyager authors Russell Kirkpatrick and Karen Miller; Alena S., Fiona McL., bookseller Mark T. And lastly, thanks to Perdy Phillips for the wonderful map and Shane Parker for the gorgeous cover.
Many years ago, when my own children were very young, I heard for the first time two stories, from opposite sides of the globe. One told the tragedy of stolen babies raised by those who had murdered their mothers, inevitably indoctrinated with the very beliefs their true parents had died resisting. The second story,