Eddie would have laughed, but as it wasn't the least bit amusing, and contained a glaring continuity error to boot, he didn't. Instead, he gazed at the many folk milling about in the ballroom. The light of many candles fell upon the glittering company: the old rich of Toy City, extravagantly costumed.
Eddie recognised each and every one.
He'd seen their smug faces many times, grinning from the society pages of the Toy City press, and in the big glossy celebrity magazines, like KY! and Howdy Doody, pictured at gala balls and swish functions and First Nights and even the launch of the spatial ambiguity installation piece at the Toy City art gallery.
But other than Miss Muffett and Little Tommy Tucker, Eddie had never seen any of the others in the living flesh before. The living breathing flesh. He had only ever seen them, as others of his own social class had seen them, in photographs. As totems, icons even, to be revered and admired and looked up to. They were rich and they were famous. They were 'better'.
Eddie shook his furry-fabricked head and peeped in at them. He spied the 'olds': Old King Cole, Old Mother Hubbard, the Grand Old Duke of York. And the remaining 'littles': Little Polly Flinders, Little Bo Peep, and the hostess, Little Miss Muffed:. And the 'double nameds': Mary Mary, Tom Tom, the piper's son, Peter Peter, pumpkin eater. And there was Simple Simon, who had famously met a pie man. And Georgie Porgie, the reformed paedophile. And Peter Piper, who'd picked a peck of pickled peppers, for reasons of his own. And there were Jack and Jill, who'd once been up a hill. And the Mary who'd had that little lamb. And the Polly who'd put the kettle on. And the Jack who'd built the house and mucked up the mural.
Eddie watched them, and Eddie slowly shook his head once more. There they were, and they were rich and famous. But when it came right down to it, why?
Most seemed to have achieved their fame for no good reason at all. For going up a hill to fetch water! Going up a hill? Or eating a pie, or putting the kettle on? What was it all about, eh?
It wasn't so much that Eddie was jealous — well, actually it was.
But it really didn't make any sense.
Eddie suddenly became aware that he was thinking all these things: thinking like Jack, in fact. Eddie gave his head a thump and watched as a wheeled rostrum affair was pushed into the ballroom by two of the burly suited types, who then helped Miss Muffett onto it. She stood, glamorously attired in another glittering gown, waving her manicured fingers about and shushing the company to silence.
'Ladies and gentlemen,' she said, 'firstly I would like to thank you for coming here tonight. We are all in great danger and if something isn't done, we will each go the way of Humpty Dumpty, Boy Blue and Bill Winkie.'
Eddie flinched.
'We all know who is doing this to us. We dare not wait for the inevitable to occur. We have to take steps. Do something about it.'
'I don't agree,' said Mary Mary.
'Well, you wouldn't, would you dear? You being so contrary and everything.'
'We must run away,' said Mary Mary. 'That's what we must do. Run while we still can.'
'To where?' Georgie Porgie spoke up. 'To the world beyond the city's box? The world of men? We can't get there anyway, and even if we could, what chance would there be for us amongst the people of that world? How long would we last if we, like them, were doomed to a normal life-span? Toy City is our world. Here we are rich and powerful. Here we can live on and on. Or at least we could, until he returned to murder us all.'
Eddie nodded thoughtfully.
'We don't know for certain that it's him.' This voice belonged to Jack (husband of Jill). 'Perhaps it's one of us. Someone in this room.'
'Ignore my husband,' said Jill (wife of Jack). 'He's never been the same since he fell down the hill and broke his crown. Brain damage.' She twirled her finger at her temple.
'There's nothing wrong with me, woman.'
'I can think of a number of things.'
'Please.' Miss Muffett raised her hands. 'There's nothing to be gained by arguing amongst ourselves. He's picking us off, one by one. And I'm next on the list. I paid a fortune to have that camouflage canvas outside done. But how long will it fool him?'
'I doubt whether it will fool him at all,' said Georgie. 'We should all just flee the city. Hide out in the surrounding countryside. Perhaps if he can't find us, he'll just go away again. I'm going home to pack my bags.' Georgie made to take his leave.
'You can't go,' said Miss Muffett. 'Not until the one that I have invited here tonight has arrived and said what he has to say.'
Georgie Porgie threw up his hands. 'And what's this mystery man going to say? That he can protect us all from the inevitable?'
'That's what he told me.'
'I don't deserve any of this,' said Georgie. 'To be on some nutter's hitlist. I've served my time and now I'm entitled to enjoy my wealth.'
'If only it was just some nutter,' said Jill (wife ofjack). 'But it isn't, it's him. We are the founder members of The Spring and Catch Society. We know the truth about Big Box Fella and his evil twin, because we are the elite, the first folk placed here when Toy City was assembled. We helped Big Box Fella to cast his evil twin from this world, but now he has returned to wreak his vengeance upon all of us. We knew that one day this might happen and we should have taken steps earlier to prevent it. But we didn't; we just continued to indulge ourselves. We have abused our privileges and become complacent and now we are paying the price.'
Jack tugged at Eddie's leg. 'What can you see?' he asked.
Eddie ducked his head down. 'They're all in there,' he whispered. 'All the still-surviving PPPs, and they're talking about The Spring and Catch Society and the evil twin. I was right, Jack. It's all as factual as.'
'Incredible.' Jack shook his head and Eddie all but fell off it.
'Stay still,' said Eddie. 'I don't want to miss any of this.'
'We have to kill him,' Georgie was saying. 'Kill him before he kills us.'
'And how do you kill a God?' asked Jill. 'Get real, please.'
'I have ten thousand men,' said the Grand Old Duke of York. 'I'll deal with the blighter.'
The Grand Old Duke was ignored to a man, and a woman. He did not have ten thousand men. He'd never had ten thousand men. He and Wheatley Porterman had made the whole thing up.
'Wait until the one I invited arrives,' said Miss Muffett. 'He'll explain everything. He'll put your minds at rest.'
'He'll save us, will he?' Georgie Porgie went to throw up his hands once again, but finding them still up from the previous occasion, he threw them down again. 'Listen, when Humpty Dumpty was killed, we all knew what it meant; we clubbed together and put up the money to employ Bill Winkie. He was next on the list. He knew that. But what happened?' Georgie drew a fat finger over his throat. 'Bill Winkie couldn't stop him. He never had a chance. Nobody can stop him.'
'/can stop him.'
Heads turned at the sound of this voice, turned to its source: to the open doorway.
'You?' said Georgie Porgie.
'You?' said Jack (husband of Jill).
'You?' said Jill (wife of Jack).
'Me?' said Mary Mary (well, she would).
'You?' said the others present, but still unidentified.