Jack chewed upon his bottom lip. 'Nice place you have here... er... Tinto. Can't we just talk about this?'
The clockwork chameleon shook its head once more. 'You really have no idea what you've got yourself into, have you?' he asked.
'No,' said Jack, 'we haven't. But please tell me this, who are you, really?'
'I'm Tinto,' said the Tinto impersonator.
'You're not Tinto,' said Jack. 'You look like Tinto. But you're not him.'
'And why do you say that?'
Jack chose his words with care. Although he and Eddie knew that the evil twin lurked behind the Tinto disguise, the evil twin didn't know that they knew. So to speak. 'I know you're not Tinto, because you're too perfect,' said Jack.
'Why, thank you very much, young man. Perfect, yes.'
'Tinto's back is all scratched up,' said Jack. 'The "Y" has worn off the word Tintoy. That's why he called himself Tinto; he thinks it makes him special.'
'And don't you think that I'm special too?'
'Oh yes,' said Jack. 'You're very special. Unique. You're definitely one of a kind.'
'I'm warming to you.' Several of the 19.72 mm M666 General Clockwork Maxi-cannon's barrels retracted. 'Perfection is the name of the game. And everything is a game. Everything. All fun and games.'
'So who are you, really?’ Jack asked.
'He's the evil twin, of course,' said Eddie.
Jack gawped down at Eddie.
'Sorry,' said Eddie. 'It just slipped out.’
‘What?’ Gun barrels bristled from places that had previously been gun barrel-free. 'What did you say?’
‘Nothing,' said Eddie. 'Nothing at all.’
‘You did. You said that I was the evil twin. You must die this instant.'
'No, hold on please,' said Jack. 'Eddie gets lots of silly ideas into his head. It's full of sawdust; it doesn't work very well.'
'And he thinks that /am the toymaker's evil twin?’
‘That's bears for you,' said Jack, making a helpless gesture. 'They're as stupid as.'
'He thinks that I?' The Tinto head spun round and round. '/ am the evil twin? When here am I forging a private army to destroy the evil twin? Working unpaid around the clock, and this bear thinks that I'm the evil twin?'
'So you're not?' said Eddie. 'I mean, no you're not. Of course you're not.'
'Of course he's not,' said Jack. 'I told you he wasn't.’
‘I don't remember you telling me anything of the sort.'
Jack gave Eddie a kick. 'Shut up!' he whispered.
'Ouch,' said Eddie. 'Oh yes, of course you did.' Eddie's knees were all a-tremble now. ‘ Jack did say that. He definitely said that you were not the evil twin.’
‘That's right,' said jack.
'Good,' said the clockwork creation.
'He said you were just a loony,' said Eddie.
'He what?’ Weaponry appeared from the most unexpected places.
'Sorry,' said Eddie, covering his face with his paws. 'I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry, I sort of blurt things out when I'm scared. It wasn't loony he said, it was—‘
'Deity,' said Jack.
'Deity?' said the gun-bristling-whatever.
'Deity,' said Jack once again.
'Deity doesn't sound in the least like loony.'
'It does when you have tatty old ears like mine,' said Eddie, pawing at his tatty old ears. 'And a head full of sawdust. It was definitely deity. I'm sure it was.'
'It was,' said Jack. 'A deity that will soon be worshipped by all the folk of Toy City.'
'This is indeed the case.'
'So what is your name?’ Jack asked. 'Your real name? The name that will be glorified by all of Toy City when you defeat the evil twin. When you are raised to the status of Godhood that you so justly deserve.'
'Bumlicker,' Eddie whispered to Jack.
'I'm just trying to keep us alive,' Jack whispered back. 'Please be quiet, Eddie, and let me do the talking.' Jack bowed towards the Tinto Impersonator. 'Might we be permitted to know your real name, oh Great One?'
'I don't think so, no. It's private.'
'Oh, please,' said Jack. 'You're going to kill us anyway. What harm would there be in letting us know your real name?'
'No, it's private. And anyway, you might laugh.'
'Laugh?' said Jack. 'Laugh in the face of a deity? Would even we be that stupid?'
'Well, seeing as you're both going to die, I suppose there's no harm. Stand back, I'm going to transform.'
Eddie and Jack stood back and viewed the transformation. It was an impressive transformation. It involved all manner of bits sliding out here and sliding in there and other bits turning around and folding down and up and so forth.
Until.
'Now I wasn't expecting thatl' said Eddie.
'Who are you?' asked Jack.
A dolly now stood before them: a rather foolish-looking dolly with a big silly face, all wide eyes and rosy cheeks and little kissy mouth. The dolly had golden plaited hair with big red bows, a colourful frock and dear little court shoes of polished patent leather.
'I'm PRIMROSE,' said the dolly, in a little dolly voice.
'Primrose?' said Jack.
'Primrose?' said Eddie.
'PRIMROSE,' said PRIMROSE. 'Prototype Integrated Multi-tasking Robotics Operational System.'
'That's Primros,' said Jack. 'There's an "e" on the end of Primrose.'
The dolly's little kissy mouth became a tight-lipped scowl. 'And you wonder why I want to keep it private. My acronym is rubbish; it doesn't even work. I was designed to be a multi-purpose toy that could be enjoyed by girls as well as boys. Some stupid idea that, eh? And PRIMROSE, I ask you: what kind of name is that for a metamorphosing action figure? With the kind of weaponry that can take the head off a golly at two thousand yards. I should have been given a name like SPLAT or ZARK.'
'Or simply twat,' said Eddie.
'What?' went PRIMROSE, making a very evil face indeed.
'Sorry, sir, nerves again. I meant TWAT as in, er, Transforming War Action Tank,' Eddie suggested.
'Yes,' said PRIMROSE. 'Twat. I like that.'
Til call you Twat then,' said Eddie.
'Me too,' said Jack.
'You'll both call me Master,' said PRIMROSE. 'Or perhaps it should be Mistress. I get a bit confused myself at times. So many personality changes, I get rather disorientated.'
Eddie looked at Jack.
And Jack looked at Eddie.
'He's lying,' whispered Jack. 'He's lying again.'
Eddie looked once more at Jack and Jack looked once more at Eddie and then the two of them looked towards PRIMROSE. If there was ever going to be a better time to rush and overpower the evil twin, neither of them could imagine it.
Eddie and Jack prepared to rush.
PRIMROSE, however, was no longer PRIMROSE, she was now something more approaching ZARK.
'Whoa,' went Eddie. 'What a big, bad boy.'
The ZARK was an all-action combat mode: a martial monster, bristling with polished spikes, lean and mean, armoured and dangerous.
'So you see the problem,' it said. 'However, everything will be resolved. Perhaps I'll go with Twat. Do you wish to pray to me before I kill you? As you'll be kneeling, you might want to get a prayer or two going.'
'We'd rather just stick around, if it's all right,’ Jack said. 'Then we could do a lot of praying and bowing down when you're sworn in officially.'
'I think that I'll just kill you now,' said PRIMROSE.
'No, hold on,' said Jack, 'let's not be hasty.'
'There's no haste involved, I assure you. I'm killing you at my leisure.'