On the next kick, the ball sailed to our table and knocked a few almost-empty drinks over, one of them landing right in Matt’s lap.
“Jesus Christ, you guys. I said to watch it.” Matt’s voice was so sharp that even I was taken aback, and the two boys stood there, frozen.
“Matt, take it easy,” I said quietly, but he just pointed to his pants and said, “Look at this. I’m a fucking mess.”
“Sorry, Uncle Matt,” the boys said together. They sounded so somber, and I waited for Matt to tell them it was fine, but he just made a big show of wiping himself off with a napkin, before saying, “Fuck,” and then standing up and walking inside.
“Is he mad?” Bobby asked me. His eyes were wide. Normally, they would’ve laughed at Matt’s swearing, but they just stood and stared at me. Bobby and Conor weren’t strangers to getting in trouble — they were rough boys, mischievous — but I don’t think they’d ever heard Matt yell, and they’d certainly never had him yell at them.
“He’s just in a bad mood,” I told them. “Don’t worry about it. Really, it’s okay, I know it was an accident. But maybe let’s cool it with the game, okay?” The boys nodded and abandoned the ball on the grass, then ran inside themselves.
—
Right before we sat down to eat, Jenny came up next to me at the bar as I poured myself a glass of wine.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, her voice low. “The boys said Matt yelled at them.”
I turned to face her and shook my head, then shifted my eyes to the side so they wouldn’t meet hers. “Sorry about that,” I said. “He’s been in the worst mood lately. Anything sets him off.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” she said. “I’m sure the boys deserved whatever they got. I just meant, is everything okay with him? With you guys?”
“Yeah, he’s just—” I started to tell her it was fine, but got choked up and she put her arm around me. The rest of the Kellys were in the dining room, and I prayed that no one could hear us. “He’s so frustrated with the campaign,” I finally got out. “It’s not going well and he’s doing everything he can, but it doesn’t really matter.”
“Listen,” she said. “This is just how men deal with their shit. Remember when Michael lost all that money in the investment with Chester?” I nodded, even though I had only a faint memory of a deal gone bad years earlier, had never gotten the whole story. “Well, he was a nightmare for months. Once he smashed a plate on the floor when one of the kids left it in the sink. Men don’t know how to work through things without being total dicks. They just can’t stand feeling like failures.”
“I don’t know what else to do,” I said.
“Just wait it out,” Jenny said. “He’s wound so tight right now, he can’t even see straight. But he’ll get through it.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
“He will,” she said, firmly, and I understood that she wasn’t going to explore any other possibility with me. But then she gave me a little squeeze. “Just hang in there. Eventually things will right themselves.”
—
On our ride home, I tried to tell Matt that the boys were hurt by the way he’d yelled at them. “I mean, too bad,” he said. “They can’t just do whatever they want. I know they were just playing, but they were bugging the crap out of me.”
I wanted to tell him that six months earlier, he wouldn’t have yelled like that. He would’ve laughed at the spilled drink, maybe jokingly chased after the boys. He’d always had endless amounts of patience with his nieces and nephews, found their rowdiness amusing. But he was already looking at his BlackBerry, so I dropped it.
That night, I lay awake with Matt sleeping next to me and wondered if this was just a phase, like Jenny said, or if it was something more. What if Matt’s sunny personality, his happy nature that I’d fallen in love with, had just been conditional? What if he was only pleasant and kind when everything was working out for him, when good things were easily coming his way? This past year had turned him into a miserable person. So what was going to happen now?
—
The next night, I went to meet Colleen for dinner, and Matt met Benji and Alan and a couple other guys for a few drinks. “Maybe we’ll meet up with you later,” I said, and Matt shrugged like he didn’t really care. “Sure, maybe,” he said.
I went to Colleen’s place first so that I could see Bea before we went out. Bea was already bathed and in pajamas when I got there, smiling at me from Colleen’s arms. I reached for her, not sure she would come to me, but she did, diving right into my arms.
“She’s so cute,” I said.
“I know,” Colleen said, matter of fact. “She’s a really pretty baby.”
I was biting back a smile at this when Bruce came into the room. He took Bea from my arms and kissed my cheek hello.
“It’s nice to see you,” he said. Colleen was already throwing keys in her purse, ready to go.
“You too,” I said. I squeezed Bea’s leg. “And you too.”
Colleen kissed Bruce good-bye. And then he said, “You girls have fun,” which made him sound like he was our dad.
—
We went out for sushi, because that’s what we always did. It was our tradition. Colleen had been the one to introduce me to sushi in college, acting like it was unbelievable I’d never eaten it before. “Seriously?” she kept saying. “You’ve seriously never had sushi before? That’s so funny.” But she sounded more condescending than amused.
I was the first person Colleen ever met from the Midwest, and she liked to let me know how much more worldly she was, like I grew up on a farm. Once, when I’d reminded her that Madison was a city, and a really nice one at that, she’d smiled and said, “Sure, but a city in Wisconsin,” like that explained everything.
We went to Raku, which was just a few blocks from my apartment. It felt weird to be back. Weird, but nice. The waitress came over, and Colleen ordered for us, which was another habit we’d gotten into, but I didn’t mind. She knew what I liked.
“I think I’ve been in Texas too long,” I told her. “We drive everywhere, basically. It’s so nice to be able to walk to a restaurant.”
“So what’s new?” she asked. “Tell me everything.”
I hadn’t decided if I was going to tell Colleen what was going on with Matt — I didn’t know that I’d really feel like discussing it all night. But once she asked, I started talking and couldn’t stop. I told her how angry he was, how much we’d been fighting. I described everything that had happened in Luling, and how cold things were between us now.
“Whoa,” she said when I was finished. “Why did you wait so long to tell me this?”
“It wasn’t something I wanted to get into on the phone,” I said. “Plus, I still don’t even know what this is. I don’t know what’s going on. The other day, Matt told me he felt like I wasn’t supporting him. Honestly. The only thing I do is support him. I’m in Texas supporting him. I moved to DC to support him. He’s crazy.”
Colleen nodded. “Well,” she said. “He probably meant you weren’t supporting what he really wants to do. Since you told him you didn’t want him to ever run for office. I can’t imagine he took that well.”
“That’s not exactly what I said. And anyway, it’s not even happening right now. There’s no plan in place. I was just talking, just saying what I thought in the moment.”
“Sure,” she said slowly. “But would you want him to do it? If something did come up right now?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Not really, no.” We both took sips of our wine, and I took a breath. “I mean, really, I don’t know. But he was so upset that I even questioned it, that maybe I wasn’t completely on board with the idea. He said that when he married me, he thought I’d be behind him on this.”