Liar.
“Wait… Wanda…”
I hurried down the tunnel, hurried away from any chance that he might, with his grateful lies, convince me not to go. There was only silence behind me.
His pain did not hurt me the way Ian’s had. For Jared, pain would be over soon. Joy was only minutes away. The happy ending.
The southern tunnel felt only a few yards long. I could see the bright lantern burning ahead, and I knew Doc was waiting for me.
I walked into the room that had always frightened me with my shoulders squared. Doc had everything prepared. In the dimmest corner, I could see two cots pushed together, Kyle snoring with his arm around Jodi’s motionless form. His other arm was still curled around Sunny’s tank. She would have liked that. I wished there was some way to tell her.
“Hey, Doc,” I whispered.
He looked up from the table where he was setting out the medicine. There were already tears streaming down his face.
And suddenly, I was brave. My heart slowed to an even pace. My breath deepened and relaxed. The hardest parts were over.
I had done this before. Many times. I had closed my eyes and gone away. Always knowing new eyes would open again, but still. This was familiar. Nothing to fear.
I went to the cot and hopped up so that I was sitting on it. I reached for the No Pain with steady hands and screwed the lid off. I put the little tissue square on my tongue, let it dissolve.
There was no change. I wasn’t in any pain this time. No physical pain.
“Tell me something, Doc. What’s your real name?”
I wanted to answer all the little puzzles before the end.
Doc sniffed and wiped the back of his hand under his eyes.
“Eustace. It’s a family name, and my parents were cruel people.”
I laughed once. Then I sighed. “Jared’s waiting, back by the big cave. I promised him you’d tell him when it was over. Just wait until I-until I… stop moving, okay? It will be too late for him to do anything about my decision then.”
“I don’t want to do this, Wanda.”
“I know. Thanks for that, Doc. But I’m holding you to your promise.”
“Please?”
“No. You gave me your word. I did my part, didn’t I?”
“You did.”
“Then do yours. Let me stay with Walt and Wes.”
His thin face worked as he tried to keep back a sob.
“Will you be… in pain?”
“No, Doc,” I lied. “I won’t feel anything.”
I waited for the euphoria to come, for the No Pain to set everything glowing the way it had the last time. I still didn’t feel any difference.
It must not have been the No Pain after all-it had just been being loved. I sighed again.
I stretched out on the cot, on my stomach, and turned my face toward him.
“Put me under, Doc.”
The bottle opened. I heard him shake it onto the cloth in his hand.
“You are the noblest, purest creature I’ve ever met. The universe will be a darker place without you,” he whispered.
These were his words over my grave, my epitaph, and I was glad that I got to hear them.
Thank you, Wanda. My sister. I will never forget you.
Be happy, Mel. Enjoy it all. Appreciate it for me.
I will, she promised.
Bye, we thought together.
Doc’s hand pressed the cloth gently over my face. I breathed in deeply, ignoring the thick, uncomfortable scent. As I took another breath, I saw the three stars again. They were not calling to me; they were letting me go, leaving me to the black universe I had wandered for so many lifetimes. I drifted into the black, and it got brighter and brighter. It wasn’t black at all-it was blue. Warm, vibrant, brilliant blue… I floated into it with no fear at all.
CHAPTER 59.Remembered
The beginning would feel like the end. I’d been warned.
But this time the end was a greater surprise than it had ever been. Greater than any end I’d remembered in nine lives. Greater than jumping down an elevator shaft. I had expected no more memories, no more thoughts. What end was this?
The sun is setting-the colors are all rosy, and they make me think of my friend… what would her name be here? Something about… ruffles? Ruffles and more ruffles. She was a beautiful Flower. The flowers here are so lifeless and boring. They smell wonderful, though. Smells are the best part of this place.
Footsteps behind me. Has Cloud Spinner followed me again? I don’t need a jacket. It’s warm here-finally!-and I want to feel the air on my skin. I won’t look at her. Maybe she’ll think I can’t hear and she’ll go home. She is so careful with me, but I’m almost grown now. She can’t mother me forever.
“Excuse me?” someone says, and I don’t know the voice.
I turn to look at her, and I don’t know the face, either. She’s pretty.
The face in the memory jerked me back to myself. That was my face! But I didn’t remember this…
“Hi,” I say.
“Hello. My name is Melanie.” She smiles at me. “I’m new in town and… I think I’m lost.”
“Oh! Where are you trying to go? I’ll take you. Our car is just back -”
“No, it’s not far. I was going for a walk, but now I can’t find my way back to Becker Street.”
She’s a new neighbor-how nice. I love new friends.
“You’re very close,” I tell her. “It’s just around the second corner up that way, but you can cut right through this little alley here. It takes you straight there.”
“Could you show me? I’m sorry, what’s your name?”
“Of course! Come with me. I’m Petals Open to the Moon, but my family mostly calls me Pet. Where are you from, Melanie?”
She laughs. “Do you mean San Diego or the Singing World, Pet?”
“Either one.” I laugh, too. I like her smile. “There are two Bats on this street. They live in that yellow house with the pine trees.”
“I’ll have to say hello,” she murmurs, but her voice has changed, tensed. She’s looking into the dusky alley as though she’s expecting to see something.
And there is something there. Two people, a man and a boy. The boy drags his hand through his long black hair like he’s nervous. Maybe he is worried because he’s lost, too. His pretty eyes are wide and excited. The man is very still.
Jamie. Jared. My heart thumped, but the feeling was peculiar, wrong. Too small and… fluttery.
“These are my friends, Pet,” Melanie tells me.
“Oh! Oh, hello.” I stretch my hand out to the man-he’s the closest.
He reaches for my hand, and his grip is so strong.
He yanks me forward, right up to his body. I don’t understand. This feels wrong. I don’t like it.
My heart beats faster, and I’m afraid. I’ve never been scared like this before. I don’t understand.
His hand swings toward my face, and I gasp. I suck in the mist that comes from his hand. A silver cloud that tastes like raspberries.
“Wha -” I want to ask, but I can’t see them anymore. I can’t see anything…
There was no more.
“Wanda? Can you hear me, Wanda?” a familiar voice asked.
That wasn’t the right name… was it? My ears didn’t react to it, but something did. Wasn’t I Petals Open to the Moon? Pet? Was that it? That didn’t feel right, either. My heart beat faster, an echo of the fear in my memory. A vision of a woman with white-and-red-streaked hair and kind green eyes filled my head. Where was my mother? But… she wasn’t my mother, was she?
A sound, a low voice that echoed around me. “Wanda. Come back. We aren’t letting you go.”
The voice was familiar, and it was also not. It sounded like… me?
Where was Petals Open to the Moon? I couldn’t find her. Just a thousand empty memories. A house full of pictures but no inhabitants.
“Use the Awake,” a voice said. I didn’t recognize this one.