I didn’t answer her. I didn’t have a ready answer.
It was quiet in my head for a brief moment. That was nice. I wished the silence could last. But there was only one way to buy my peace. Was I willing to pay the price? Did I have a choice anymore?
Melanie slowly calmed. By the time I was through the front door, locking behind me the bolts that I had never before turned-human artifacts that had no place in a peaceful world-her thoughts were contemplative.
I’d never thought about how you all carry on your species. I didn’t know it was like that.
We take it very seriously, as you can imagine. Thanks for your concern. She wasn’t bothered by the thick edge of irony in the thought.
She was still musing over this discovery while I turned on my computer and began to look for shuttle flights. It was a moment before she was aware of what I was doing.
Where are we going? The thought held a flicker of panic. I felt her awareness begin to rifle through my head, her touch like the soft brush of feathers, searching for anything I might be keeping from her.
I decided to save her the search. I’m going to Chicago.
The panic was more than a flicker now. Why?
I’m going to see the Healer. I don’t trust her. I want to talk to him before I make my decision.
There was a brief silence before she spoke again.
The decision to kill me?
Yes, that one.
CHAPTER 8. Loved
Y ou’re afraid to fly?” The Seeker’s voice was full of disbelief edging toward mockery. “You’ve traveled through deep space eight times and you’re afraid to take a shuttle to Tucson, Arizona?”
“First of all, I’m not afraid. Second, when I traveled through deep space I wasn’t exactly aware of where I was, what with being stored in a hibernation chamber. And third, this host gets motion sickness on shuttles.”
The Seeker rolled her eyes in disgust. “So take medication! What would you have done if Healer Fords hadn’t relocated to Saint Mary’s? Would you be driving to Chicago?”
“No. But since the option of driving is now reasonable, I will take it. It will be nice to see a bit more of this world. The desert can be stunning -”
“The desert is dead boring.”
“-and I’m not in any hurry. I have many things to think through, and I will appreciate some time alone.” I looked pointedly at her as I emphasized the last word.
“I don’t understand the point of visiting your old Healer anyway. There are many competent Healers here.”
“I’m comfortable with Healer Fords. He has experience with this, and I don’t trust that I have all the information I need.” I gave her another significant look.
“You don’t have time to not hurry, Wanderer. I recognize the signs.”
“Forgive me if I don’t consider your information impartial. I know enough of human behavior to recognize the signs of manipulation.”
She glowered at me.
I was packing my rental car with the few things I planned to take with me. I had enough clothes to go a week between washing, and the basic hygiene necessities. Though I wasn’t bringing much, I was leaving even less behind. I’d accumulated very little in the way of personal belongings. After all these months in my small apartment, the walls were still bare, the shelves empty. Perhaps I’d never meant to settle here.
The Seeker was planted on the sidewalk next to my open trunk, assailing me with snide questions and comments whenever I was in hearing distance. At least I was secure in the belief that she was far too impatient to follow me on the road. She would take a shuttle to Tucson, just as she was hoping to shame me into doing. It was a huge relief. I imagined her joining me every time I stopped to eat, hovering outside gas station bathrooms, her inexhaustible inquisitions waiting for me whenever my vehicle paused at a light. I shuddered at the thought. If a new body meant freeing myself of the Seeker… well, that was quite an inducement.
I had another choice, too. I could abandon this entire world as a failure and move on to a tenth planet. I could work to forget this whole experience. Earth could be just a short blip in my otherwise spotless record.
But where would I go? A planet I’d already experienced? The Singing World had been one of my favorites, but to give up sight for blindness? The Planet of the Flowers was lovely… Yet chlorophyll-based life-forms had so little range of emotion. It would feel unbearably slow after the tempo of this human place.
A new planet? There was a recent acquisition-here on Earth, they were calling the new hosts Dolphins for lack of a better comparison, though they resembled dragonflies more than marine mammals. A highly developed species, and certainly mobile, but after my long stay with the See Weeds, the thought of another water planet was repugnant to me.
No, there was still so much to this planet that I hadn’t experienced. Nowhere else in the known universe called to me as strongly as this shady little green yard on this quiet street. Or held the lure of the empty desert sky, which I’d seen only in Melanie’s memories.
Melanie did not share her opinion on my options. She had been very quiet since my decision to find Fords Deep Waters, my first Healer. I wasn’t sure what the detachment meant. Was she trying to seem less dangerous, less of a burden? Was she preparing herself for the invasion of the Seeker? For death? Or was she preparing to fight me? To try to take over?
Whatever her plan, she kept herself distant. She was just a faint, watchful presence in the back of my head.
I made my last trip inside, searching for anything forgotten. The apartment looked empty. There were only the basic furnishings that had been left by the last tenant. The same plates were still in the cupboards, the pillows on the bed, the lamps on the tables; if I didn’t come back, there would be little for the next tenant to clear out.
The phone rang as I was stepping out the door, and I turned back to get it, but I was too late. I’d already set the message system to answer on the first ring. I knew what the caller would hear: my vague explanation that I would be out the rest of the semester, and that my classes would be canceled until a replacement could be found. No reason given. I looked at the clock on top of the television. It was barely past eight in the morning. I was sure it must be Curt on the phone, having just received the only slightly more detailed e-mail I’d sent him late last night. I felt guilty about not finishing out my commitment to him, almost like I was already skipping. Perhaps this step, this quitting, was the prelude to my next decision, my greater shame. The thought was uncomfortable. It made me unwilling to listen to whatever the message said, though I wasn’t in any real hurry to leave.
I looked around the empty apartment one more time. There was no sense of leaving anything behind me, no fondness for these rooms. I had the strange feeling that this world-not just Melanie, but the entire orb of the planet-did not want me, no matter how much I wanted it. I just couldn’t seem to get my roots in. I smiled wryly at the thought of roots. This feeling was just superstitious nonsense.
I’d never had a host that was capable of superstition. It was an interesting sensation. Like knowing you were being watched without being able to find the watcher. It raised goose bumps on the nape of my neck.
I shut the door firmly behind me but did not touch the obsolete locks. No one would disturb this place until I returned or it was given to someone new.
Without looking at the Seeker, I climbed into the car. I hadn’t done much driving, and neither had Melanie, so this made me a bit nervous. But I was sure I would get used to it soon enough.