“Would you be yourself again?”
I met his gaze. “I am myself. I haven’t lost myself to Melanie. I would feel the same as I do now, even as a Bear or a Flower.”
“They wouldn’t discard you?”
“Not a soul. We have no capital punishment for our kind. Or any punishment, really. Whatever they did, it would be to save me. I used to think there was no need for any other way, but now I have myself as proof against that theory. It would probably be right to discard me. I’m a traitor, aren’t I?”
Ian pursed his lips. “More of an expatriate, I’d say. You haven’t turned on them; you’ve just left their society.”
We were quiet again. I wanted to believe what he said was true. I considered the word expatriate, trying to convince myself that I was nothing worse.
Ian exhaled loudly enough to make me jump. “When Doc sobers up, we’ll get him to take a look at your face.” He reached over and put his hand under my chin; this time I didn’t flinch. He turned my head to the side so he could examine the wound.
“It’s not important. I’m sure it looks worse than it is.”
“I hope so-it looks awful.” He sighed and then stretched. “I suppose we’ve hidden long enough that Kyle’s clean and unconscious. Want some help with the dishes?”
Ian wouldn’t let me wash the dishes in the stream the way I usually did. He insisted that we go into the black bathing room, where I would be invisible. I scrubbed dishes in the shallow end of the dark pool, while he cleaned off the filth left behind by his mystery labors. Then he helped me with the last of the dirty bowls.
When we were done, he escorted me back to the kitchen, which was starting to fill up with the lunch crowd. More perishables were on the menu: soft white bread slices, slabs of sharp cheddar cheese, circles of lush pink bologna. People were scarfing down the delicacies with abandon, though the despair was still perceptible in the slump of their shoulders, in the absence of smiles or laughter.
Jamie was waiting for me at our usual counter. Two double stacks of sandwiches sat in front of him, but he wasn’t eating. His arms were folded as he waited for me. Ian eyed his expression curiously but left to get his own food without asking.
I rolled my eyes at Jamie’s stubbornness and took a bite. Jamie dug in as soon as I was chewing. Ian was back quickly, and we all ate in silence. The food tasted so good it was hard to imagine a reason for conversation-or anything else that would empty our mouths.
I stopped at two, but Jamie and Ian ate until they were groaning in pain. Ian looked as though he was about to collapse. His eyes struggled to stay open.
“Get back to school, kid,” he said to Jamie.
Jamie appraised him. “Maybe I should take over…”
“Go to school,” I told him quickly. I wanted Jamie a safe distance from me today.
“I’ll see you later, okay? Don’t worry about… about anything.”
“Sure.” A one-word lie wasn’t quite so obvious. Or maybe I was just being sarcastic again.
Once Jamie was gone, I turned on the somnolent Ian. “Go get some rest. I’ll be fine-I’ll stay someplace inconspicuous. Middle of a cornfield or something.”
“Where did you sleep last night?” he asked, his eyes surprisingly sharp under his half-closed lids.
“Why?”
“I can sleep there now, and you can be inconspicuous beside me.”
We were just murmuring, barely over a whisper now. No one paid us any attention.
“You can’t watch me every second.”
“Wanna bet?”
I shrugged, giving up. “I was back at the… the hole. Where I was kept in the beginning.”
Ian frowned; he didn’t like that. But he got up and led the way back to the storage corridor. The main plaza was busy again now, full of people moving around the garden, all of them grave, their eyes on their feet.
When we were alone in the black tunnel, I tried to reason with him again.
“Ian, what’s the point of this? Won’t it hurt Jamie more, the longer I’m alive? In the end, wouldn’t it be better for him if -”
“Don’t think like that, Wanda. We’re not animals. Your death is not an inevitability.”
“I don’t think you’re an animal,” I said quietly.
“Thanks. I didn’t say that as an accusation, though. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
That was the end of our conversation; that was the moment we both saw the pale blue light reflecting dimly from around the next turn in the tunnel.
“Shh,” Ian breathed. “Wait here.”
He pressed my shoulder down gently, trying to stick me where I stood. Then he strode forward, making no attempt to hide the sound of his footsteps. He disappeared around the corner.
“Jared?” I heard him say, feigning surprise.
My heart felt heavy in my chest; the sensation was more pain than fear.
“I know it’s with you,” Jared answered. He raised his voice, so that anyone between here and the main plaza would hear. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” he called, his voice hard and mocking.
CHAPTER 29.Betrayed
Maybe I should have run the other way. But no one was holding me back now, and though his voice was cold and angry, Jared was calling to me. Melanie was even more eager than I was as I stepped carefully around the corner and into the blue light; I hesitated there.
Ian stood just a few feet ahead of me, poised on the balls of his feet, ready for whatever hostile movement Jared might make toward me.
Jared sat on the ground, on one of the mats Jamie and I had left here. He looked as weary as Ian, though his eyes, too, were more alert than the rest of his exhausted posture.
“At ease,” Jared said to Ian. “I just want to talk to it. I promised the kid, and I’ll stand by that promise.”
“Where’s Kyle?” Ian demanded.
“Snoring. Your cave might shake apart from the vibrations.”
Ian didn’t move.
“I’m not lying, Ian. And I’m not going to kill it. Jeb is right. No matter how messed up this stupid situation is, Jamie has as much say as I do, and he’s been totally suckered, so I doubt he’ll be giving me the go-ahead anytime soon.”
“No one’s been suckered,” Ian growled.
Jared waved his hand, dismissing the disagreement over terminology. “It’s not in any danger from me, is my point.” For the first time he looked at me, evaluating the way I hugged the far wall, watching my hands tremble. “I won’t hurt you again,” he said to me.
I took a small step forward.
“You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to, Wanda,” Ian said quickly. “This isn’t a duty or a chore to be done. It’s not mandatory. You have a choice.”
Jared’s eyebrows pulled low over his eyes-Ian’s words confused him.
“No,” I whispered. “I’ll talk to him.” I took another short step. Jared turned his hand palm up and curled his fingers twice, encouraging me forward.
I walked slowly, each step an individual movement followed by a pause, not part of a steady advance. I stopped a yard away from him. Ian shadowed each step, keeping close to my side.
“I’d like to talk to it alone, if you don’t mind,” Jared said to him.
Ian planted himself. “I do mind.”
“No, Ian, it’s okay. Go get some sleep. I’ll be fine.” I nudged his arm lightly.
Ian scrutinized my face, his expression dubious. “This isn’t some death wish? Sparing the kid?” he demanded.
“No. Jared wouldn’t lie to Jamie about this.”
Jared scowled when I said his name, the sound of it full of confidence.
“Please, Ian,” I pleaded. “I want to talk to him.”
Ian looked at me for a long minute, then turned to scowl at Jared. He barked out each sentence like an order.
“Her name is Wanda, not it. You will not touch her. Any mark you leave on her, I will double on your worthless hide.”