Time stopped. Or so it felt to Jake. He watched the shaft of dust-filled light settle back into immobility and then he shut his eyes tight. He stood there, blind, trying to shut out the world. His own blood pulsed through the red curtain of his eyelids. If I just stand still for a moment, he thought, everything will be okay.
He heard Carl let out his breath beside him, in one sudden huff. At the same time, Veronica began to whisper, to moan, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Jake kept his eyes shut. He wasn’t aware of it until the next day but he had clenched his fists so tight his fingernails had cut reddened half-moons in the palms of his hands.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
“Shut up.”
Carl’s voice cut across Veronica’s whimpering. None of them had moved yet. Jake heard someone begin to move, Veronica, it must be Veronica and immediately felt his brother shift beside him. Carl must have put out a hand to stop her.
“Wait.”
She started to cry properly.
“Oh my God, Carl – what the fuck – oh my God – “
“Be quiet. Wait here.”
Jake opened his eyes. The light from the hallway made him squint. He could feel his heart thudding regularly inside him – it actually hurt, as if a small fist was punching his ribs from the inside. He felt utterly sick.
Carl moved forward slowly. He put a hand back to stop Veronica and Jake from following him.
“Wait. Stay here.”
The two of them watched him walk slowly downstairs. Jake could feel himself beginning to shake; it was incredible, as if unseen hands were roughly agitating his limbs. His teeth began to chatter.
Carl reached the body on the hallway floor. A slowly spreading pool of blood had begun to creep across the black and white tiles. Candice’s face was hidden by her dirty blonde hair. Carl bent to press his fingers against her neck.
“Is she – “
Veronica’s voice clogged. She cleared her throat and tried again.
“Is she dead?”
“Yes. Yes, she’s dead.”
Carl sounded distracted. He stood up, looking down at Candice. Jake could see the sheen of her inner thighs from the top of the stairs. That’s my semen, he thought, with a clutch of the stomach. He was shaking like someone in the grip of a high fever. His legs felt like they were about to collapse beneath him. He lowered himself to the floor as carefully as his shaking limbs allowed and reached out to clutch the banister, needing to hold onto something solid. His heart beat against him, thud thud thud, a metronome of dread.
“Oh my God – oh my God – “
Jake could see the hem of Veronica’s dressing gown shaking from the corner of his eye. He closed his eyes once more and tried to breathe deeply. He knew he was going to have to be sick again at some point. He tried to speak but his mouth was too dry. He swallowed and tried again.
“Carl – “
There was no answer. He heard his brother begin to walk back up the stairs, slowly, moving like an old man. Hot tears began to burn the back of his eyelids.
“Carl – “
He was beyond shame but he heard his voice break. Nothing mattered but to have his brother come and make it all better, like he always had before. Jake began to cry.
“Carl – “
Out of the darkness, he felt his brother’s warm hand on his shoulder, pulling him up into the light. Jake opened his eyes. Carl had both hands on his shoulders.
“Jake, come on. V, come on. Come with me. We’ll go into V’s room.”
Veronica gave a gasping sob.
“What about – what about her?”
“Just come with me for the moment. We need to talk. Come on.”
The three of them sat on Veronica’s bed. It would be more accurate to say that two of them collapsed on Veronica’s bed. Jake rolled onto his side, burying his face in one of the cushions that littered the headboard. It smelt delicately of some flowery scent and it made him want to cry again, it smelt so innocent. Veronica sagged back against the headboard. She was so pale she was almost grey, dark shadows smudging her eyes, her lips bruised and sore looking. Carl sat at the end of the bed. His face was blank. Jake thought he looked like a man who was dreaming awake.
Veronica gave one small sob.
“Is she really dead?”
Carl shut his eyes and then opened them again. He was staring straight ahead, at nothing.
“Yes, she’s really dead. She must have cracked her skull on the floor.”
“Oh – “ Veronica gave a little moan.
Jake put one hand up to his face to cover his eyes.
“What are we going to do?” he said, from behind the slitted mask of his fingers.
Carl brought his gaze back from the middle distance to look at his brother.
“I don’t know. You’ve got to let me think.”
“We should…”
Veronica’s voice petered out in a whisper. Carl looked at her.
“Should do what?”
She swallowed. “Should call the police,” she said, in a tiny voice.
“Fuck, no.”
“Carl – “
She began to cry again. Carl shook his head.
“Carl, we must – “
“No.”
“Oh – “
“Why not, Carl?” said Jake, still half covering his eyes. He was growing steadily sicker with every minute that passed. He kept hearing the thud of Candice’s head hitting the hallway floor. He kept seeing the expression on her face as she went over backwards.
Carl was silent for a long moment. Then he spoke and his voice sounded like he was suffering from a bad cold.
“If the police come – if they come – they’ll find the drugs. They’ll test us all for drugs. We’ve gone through four grams tonight, there’s no way we’d get away with it. They’ll be able to see what we’ve been doing.” He cleared his throat. “She’s got your spunk all over her, Jake. Mine too. Inside her. What will they think? They’ll think we drugged her and raped her and then pushed her down the stairs.”
“You pushed her down the stairs,” said Jake dully. He heard Veronica gasp. Carl was silent for a moment. Then he sighed.
“We won’t mention that again.”
Veronica was still crying.
“Carl – they won’t – we have to – they won’t – “
Carl cut across Veronica’s moans.
“V, they will. What are we going to say? At the very least, they’ll do us all for possession. For supply, even. Of Class As. What’s that, ten years? And then a dead girl on top of that? A dead girl who’s probably not even sixteen yet? Fuck – “
Jake took his hand down from his face.
“Excuse me a second,” he said, and bolted for the bathroom for the second time in an hour.
The bedroom was silent when he walked back in. He fell back onto the same side of the bed, pushed his face back into the same sweet-smelling cushion.
“You alright?”
Jake nodded without speaking. He heard Carl take a deep breath.
“We need to think about what we’re going to do.”
“What if someone heard us?”
Veronica’s voice was thick with tears.
“No one heard. We’re in the middle of a detached house, V. No one’s ever complained about the noise before, have they?”
Veronica began to cry again, quietly.
“We can’t just leave her there, on the floor. Oh God – “
“It’s all right.” Jake had never heard his brother speak in such a low, comforting tone. It almost made him feel better.
“It’s alright,” said Carl, again. “We’ll deal with it. It’s not as bad you think.”
Jake laughed. He actually laughed. He could feel himself teetering on hysteria, could feel it surfacing inside him like vomit. He pushed his face deeper into the pillow, snorting laughter into the padding.
“Jake – “
He couldn’t stop laughing, he was gasping with it. Then he was crying. He felt Carl, or perhaps it was Veronica, put a warm hand on his back. Slowly, his laughter tailed off. He rolled onto his back, dislodging the hand – it was Carl. His face felt raw, his nose felt as if it had been flayed. His breath caught in occasional little hitches.