“Did I hear you correctly?”
“You did.” Bella swallowed, tried again. “I’m want to – I’m going to go and live in London with Jake.”
“But – but – “ Mrs Hardwick mouthed wildly. “You hardly know him. And London – why London? Why now? For God’s sake, you couldn’t get out of the place fast enough the other week. What do you – my God, you watched the news with me the other day, Bella – you know what’s happening up there!”
Bella felt her temper going, slipping through her fingers like an oil-coated bottle. She made a grab for it.
“Mum – it’s – it’s hard to explain. I need to do this, I need to get over the – the fear.”
“What?”
“Don’t you see, Mum? If I don’t go back there I’ll never leave here, I’ll never be able to. I’ll just stagnate here, I’ll be too terrified to go anywhere, I’ll never be able to leave.”
“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic!”
Bella flinched. The bottle slipped through her clutching fingers and smashed on the floor.
“Don’t fucking tell me about being melodramatic! Were you there? Were you there in the tunnels, Mum? What the fuck do you know about how I’m feeling? What the fuck do you know about anything?”
“Don’t you swear at me, young lady – “
“Why the fuck not? Why not? You’re not listening to me anyway so what the fuck does it matter what I say?”
Some small part of Bella marvelled at what she was saying. She’d never spoken to her mother like this before, not ever. She’d never needed to.
Mrs Hardwick leant back against the sofa. Her eyes were aghast.
“Darling – “
Bella stood there, panting.
“What?”
Her mother had tears in her eyes.
“Is this about your father? Are you saying you want to live with him and – and you can’t bring yourself to tell me? Is that it?”
“No – it’s nothing to do with Dad – “
“Bella – “
“Mum!” Bella’s voice rose and she turned her head away, looking unseeingly through the window at the garden. A magpie flicked its chequerboard tail as it strutted across the lawn. The room filled with the sound of stuttering breath.
Mrs Hardwick fought for control and managed a tremulous smile. “Darling – Bella – it worries me, what you’re saying. I think you need help, darling. You’re not – you’re not in your right mind. You’ve been through a shock, a terrible shock, you need counselling – someone to talk to – “
“I’m fine,” said Bella automatically. She realised her fists were clenched and forced herself to relax them. Her temper drained away as suddenly as it had appeared. She felt close to tears.
“Darling – “
She interrupted her mother, but gently this time.
“Mum, it’s alright. I know what I’m doing. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.
“You’re not fine.”
“I am. Really, I am. Let me – Mum – let me sort myself out, okay? I need to sort myself out.”
“Bella – “
“Mum – “
Her tone was a warning but she managed to make the next word a soft one. “Darling Mum, please let me go. I need to go. It’s something I have to do for myself.”
Bella looked out the window again, waiting for her mother’s response. The magpie flicked its tail again and flew away, its wings a zebra flash against the softer, duller green of the lawn.
Chapter Four
“That the lot?”
“Pretty much.”
“Well, is it or isn’t it?”
Bella considered. “There’s a bag of underwear and stuff and then that really is it.”
“God forbid we forget the underwear.” Jake let the cardboard box he was cradling slip from his grasp and fall to the hallway floor with a crash. “These books on the other hand – they can go fuck themselves.”
Bella smiled. “You did offer to take the heavy stuff.”
“I offer to do a lot of things that I then end up regretting. Come here.”
Jake pulled her into his arms and kissed her heavily. The kiss deepened and lengthened until Jake said, with a breathlessness in his own voice, “Any more of this and I’ll take you to bed. Fuck the move.”
“No, fuck me.”
Bella had never said anything so bold before. For a moment she almost shocked herself. It was being here, standing in the hallway of Fever Street, with her arms about her boyfriend – it felt as if her adult life was finally beginning. She felt greedy for it, for all the new experiences that London was sure to bring.
Whatever she felt, it had been the right thing to say to Jake. He said nothing but swept her up – Bella shrieked – and ran with her into the nearest room, the living room. They made frenetic love on the sofa, clothes half off and swathed around their ankles, Jake pumping away urgently, Bella pushing the encroaching cushions away when they fell over her sweaty face.
“I love you,” Jake gasped, his ribcage heaving.
“I love you too.” Bella said it automatically. Then she felt her eyes widen. She covered his face with kisses, wondering if her reply had been the truth. Did she love him? I do, she told herself fiercely. I do. She shoved at another cushion that threatened to smother her. They lay there, hotly entwined, feeling their breathing slowly returning to a normal pace.
“We’d better get dressed,” said Bella eventually, deciding to leave a discussion of those passionate declarations for another time. She pulled at her knickers, still looped around one ankle.
Jake lay back against the sofa. “I think I’ll stay like this, actually.”
Bella giggled, despite herself. “What happens if – if the others come home?”
At the mention of his brother, Jake stopped smiling. He bent down to yank at his jeans.
“They won’t be home for hours,” he said, in a tone that just missed the right, casual note. “They’ve gone to some festival in South London, God knows what – somewhere in Clapham. They won’t be home for hours.”
“Oh,” said Bella. She adjusted her bra straps. “I’m beginning to think they don’t exist.”
Jake frowned. “What do you mean by that?”
“Oh nothing.” She could see what she’d said had disconcerted him. “I just meant, you know, I haven’t met them yet. And I am going to be living in their house. You did – you did ask them if it was okay? I mean, they are okay with it, aren’t they?”
“You worry too much.”
Jake pulled her to her feet and kissed her again, lightly this time. She reached for him but he stepped back, shaking his head and grinning.
“Come on, Miss Insatiable. We’re never going to get this stuff unpacked if you keep trying to distract me with your feminine wiles.”
It was seven o'clock when they lugged the final splitting box up to Jake’s room. He phoned for pizza and he and Bella ate at the table, tearing at each damp red slice with their fingers and wiping the grease from their mouths with pieces of kitchen roll. Bella was so tired, she could feel her eyelids dragging themselves downwards. She put down a half-finished piece, rinsed her garlicky mouth with wine and said, “I think I’m going to have to go to bed.”
Jake grinned. “Great.”
“Not for that, idiot. I’m really knackered though. I can’t keep my eyes open.”
“Well, if you feel that bad – “
He reached across and wiped a fleck of tomato sauce from her cheek and she turned her face into his hand, kissing the palm.
“I really am tired.”
“Off you go, then. Have a shower and crawl into bed. I promise I’ll try and keep my hands off you.”
“Just for tonight.”
Jake smiled. “Yes, just for tonight.”