“Do you really want to?”
He didn’t answer that. Instead, he just told me, “It can’t work. It’s over.” I’d never seen him look so miserable.
Class started, and that ended the discussion.
Eddie wasn’t in our cafeteria at lunch. Jill sat with Angeline at a corner table and looked as though she was delivering a stern lecture. Maybe Jill hadn’t felt comfortable consoling Eddie, but she certainly had no problem speaking out on his behalf. I didn’t really want to hear Angeline’s excuses or meet Jill’s eyes, so I grabbed a sandwich and ate outside. I didn’t have enough time to check Eddie’s cafeteria, so I sent him a text.
Want to go out for coffee later?
Don’t feel sorry for me, he responded. I hadn’t known if he’d answer at all, so that was something.
I just want to talk. Please.
His next text wasn’t nearly so fast, and I could almost imagine his mental battle. Okay, but after dinner. I have a study group. A moment later, he added, Not Spencer’s. Trey worked at Spencer’s.
Now that the Angeline drama was on hold, I was able to return to my own messed-up love life. I couldn’t shake that image of Jill’s expression. I couldn’t forgive myself for losing control. And now, I had Trey’s words bouncing around my head. It would eventually end in disaster. There’s a reason our kinds don’t mix.
As though summoned by my thoughts, Adrian texted me. You want to get the dragon today?
I’d forgotten all about the callistana. He’d stayed with Adrian during my St. Louis trip, and now it was my turn. Since Adrian couldn’t transform him back into quartz, the dragon had been in his true form all weekend.
Sure, I wrote back.
My stomach was in knots when I drove to Adrian’s place later. I’d had the rest of the day to think about my options, and I’d finally reached an extreme one.
When he opened the door, his face was aglow—until he saw mine. His expression transformed to equal parts exasperation and sadness. “Oh no. Here it comes,” he said.
I stepped inside. “Here what comes?”
“The part where you tell me last night was a mistake and that we can’t ever do it again.”
I looked away. That was exactly what I’d been going to say. “Adrian, you know this can’t work.”
“Because Moroi and humans can’t be together? Because you don’t feel the same way about me?”
“No,” I said. “Well, not entirely. Adrian . . . Jill saw it all.”
For a moment, he didn’t seem to understand. “What do you—oh. Shit.”
“Exactly.”
“I never even think of that anymore.” He sat down on the couch and stared off into space. The callistana came scurrying into the room and perched on the arm of the couch. “I mean, I know it happens. We even talked about it with other girls. She understands.”
“Understands?” I exclaimed. “She’s fifteen! You can’t subject her to that.”
“Maybe you were an innocent at fifteen, but Jill’s not. She knows how the world works.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Well, I’m not one of your other girls! I see her every day. Do you know how hard it was to face her? Do you know what it feels like to know she saw me doing that? And, God, what if there’d been more?”
“So, what’s this mean exactly?” he asked. “You finally come around, and now you’re going to just end things because of her?”
“Kissing you isn’t exactly ‘coming around.’”
He gave me a long, level look. “There was a lot more than kissing, Miss ‘I’m a Quick Study.’”
I tried not to show how embarrassed I was about that now. “And that’s exactly why this is all over. I’m not going to let Jill see that again.”
“So you admit it could happen again?”
“Theoretically, yes. But I’m not going to give us the chance.”
“You’re going to avoid ever being alone with me again?”
“I’m going to avoid you, period.” I took a deep breath. “I’m going to go with Marcus to Mexico.”
“What?” Adrian jumped up and strode over to me. I immediately backed up. “What happened to you working undercover?”
“That only works if I can stay undercover! You think I can pull that off if I’m sneaking around with you?”
“You’re with me half the time already!” I couldn’t tell if he was angry or not, but he was clearly upset. “Nobody notices. We’ll be careful.”
“All it takes is one slipup,” I said. “And I don’t know if I can trust myself anymore. I can’t risk the Alchemists finding out about you and me. I can’t risk exposing Jill to what we’d do together. They’ll send another Alchemist to look after her, and hopefully Stanton will take precautions against the Warriors.”
“Jill knows I can’t put my life on hold.”
“You should,” I snapped.
Now he was angry. “Well, you’d know all about that since you’re an expert in denying yourself the things you want. And now you’re going to leave the country to make sure you can deprive yourself even more.”
“Yes, exactly.” I walked over to the callistana and spoke the incantation that turned him back into his inert form. I put the crystal into my purse and summoned all my will to give Adrian the coldest look I could manage. It must have been a powerful one because he looked as though I’d slapped him. Seeing that pain on his face made my heart break. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to leave him! But what choice did I have? There was too much at stake.
“This is done. I’ve made my choice, Adrian,” I said. “I’m leaving this weekend, so please don’t make it any more difficult than it has to be. I’d like us to be friends.” The way I spoke made it sound like we were closing a business arrangement.
I walked toward the door, and Adrian hurried after me. I couldn’t bear to face the agony in his eyes, and it took all my resolve not to avert my gaze. “Sydney, don’t do this. You know it’s wrong. Deep inside, you know it is.”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I walked away, forcing myself not to look back. I was too afraid my resolve would falter—and that was exactly why I needed to leave Palm Springs. I wasn’t safe around him anymore. No one could be allowed to have that kind of power over me.
All I wanted to do after that was hide in my room and cry. For a week. But there was never any rest for me. It was always about others, with my feelings and dreams shoved off to the side. Consequently, I wasn’t in the best position to give Eddie romantic advice when we met up that night. Fortunately, he was too caught up in his own emotions to notice mine.
“I should never have gotten involved with Angeline,” he told me. We were at a coffee shop across town that was called Bean There, Done That. He’d ordered hot chocolate and had been stirring it for almost an hour.
“You didn’t know,” I said. It was hard maintaining my half of the conversation when I kept seeing the pain in Adrian’s eyes. “You couldn’t have known—especially with her. She’s unpredictable.”
“And that’s why I shouldn’t have done it.” He finally set the spoon down on the table. “Relationships are dangerous enough without getting involved with someone like her. And I don’t have time for that kind of distraction! I’m here for Jill, not me. I should never have let myself get caught up in this.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone,” I said diplomatically. Unless that person turns your world upside down and makes you lose all self-control.