SCENE III
Khlestakov and the Judge.
JUDGE(comes in and stops. Talking to himself). Oh, God, bring me safely out of this! How my knees are knocking together! (Drawing himself up and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud.)I have the honor to present myself—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin.
KHLESTAKOV. Please be seated. So you are the judge here?
JUDGE. I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and i have served ever since.
KHLESTAKOV. Does it pay to be a judge?
JUDGE. After serving three terms i was decorated with the Vladimir of the third class with the approval of the government. (Aside.)I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.
KHLESTAKOV. I like the Vladimir. Anna of the third class is not so nice.
JUDGE(slightly extending his balled fist. Aside). Good God! I don't know where I'm sitting. I feel as though I were on burning coals.
KHLESTAKOV. What have you got in your hand there?
AMMOS(getting all mixed up and dropping the bills on the floor). Nothing.
KHLESTAKOV. How so, nothing? I see money has dropped out of it.
AMMOS(shaking all over). Oh no, oh no, not at all! (Aside.)Oh, Lord! Now I'm under arrest and they've brought a wagon to take me.
KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it is money. (Picking it up.)
AMMOS(aside). It's all over with me. I'm lost! I'm lost!
KHLESTAKOV. I tell you what—lend it to me.
AMMOS(eagerly). Why, of course, of course—with the greatest pleasure. (Aside.)Bolder! Bolder! Holy Virgin, stand by me!
KHLESTAKOV. I've run out of cash on the road, what with one thing and another, you know. I'll let you have it back as soon as I get to the village.
AMMOS. Please don't mention it! It is a great honor to have you take it. I'll try to deserve it—by putting forth the best of my feeble powers, by my zeal and ardor for the government. (Rises from the chair and draws himself up straight with his hands hanging at his sides.)I will not venture to disturb you longer with my presence. You don't care to give any orders?
KHLESTAKOV. What orders?
JUDGE. I mean, would you like to give orders for the district court here?
KHLESTAKOV. What for? I have nothing to do with the court now. No, nothing. Thank you very much.
AMMOS(bowing and leaving. Aside.). Now the town is ours.
KHLESTAKOV. The judge is a fine fellow.
SCENE IV
Khlestakov and the Postmaster.
POSTMASTER(in uniform, sword in hand. Drawing himself up). Ihave the honor to present myself— Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.
KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to meet you. I like pleasant company very much. Take a seat. Do you live here all the time?
POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Quite so.
KHLESTAKOV. I like this little town. Of course, there aren't many people. It's not very lively. But what of it? It isn't the capital. Isn't that so—it isn't the capital?
POSTMASTER. Quite so, quite so.
KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find bon-ton and not a lot of provincial lubbers. What is your opinion? Isn't that so?
POSTMASTER. Quite so. (Aside.)He isn't a bit proud. He inquires about everything.
KHLESTAKOV. And yet you'll admit that one can live happily in a little town.
POSTMASTER. Quite so.
KHLESTAKOV. In my opinion what you want is this —you want people to respect you and to love you sincerely. Isn't that so?
POSTMASTER. Exactly.
KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you agree with me. Of course, they call me queer. But that's the kind of character I am. (Looking him in the face and talking to himself.)I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan. (Aloud.)A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the road. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?
POSTMASTER. Of course. I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune. I am ready to serve you with all my heart.
KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I must say, i hate like the devil to deny myself on the road. And why should I? Isn't that so?
POSTMASTER. Quite so. (Rises, draws himself up, with his sword in his hand.)I'll not venture to disturb you any more. Would you care to make any remarks about the post office administration?
KHLESTAKOV. No, nothing.
The Postmaster bows and goes out.
KHLESTAKOV(lighting a cigar). It seems to me the Postmaster is a fine fellow, too. He's certainly obliging. I like people like that.
SCENE V
Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is practically pushed in on the stage. A voice behind him is heard saying nearly aloud, "Don't be chickenhearted."
LUKA(drawing himself up, trembling, with his hand on his sword). Ihave the honor to present myself— School Inspector, Titular Councilor Khlopov.
KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to see you. Take a seat, take a seat. Will you have a cigar? (Offers him a cigar.)
LUKA(to himself, hesitating). There now! That's something I hadn't anticipated. To take or not to take?
KHLESTAKOV. Take it, take it. It's a pretty good cigar. Of course not what you get in St. Petersburg. There I used to smoke twenty-five cent cigars. You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them. Here, light it. (Hands him a candle.)
Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over.
KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other.
LUKA(drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes his hands. Aside). Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me!
KHLESTAKOV. I see you are not a lover of cigars. I confess smoking is my weakness—smoking and the fair sex. Not for the life of me can I remain indifferent to the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like more, brunettes or blondes?
Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say.
KHLESTAKOV. Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes?
LUKA. I don't dare to know.
KHLESTAKOV. No, no, don't evade. I'm bound to know your taste.