The look. Angel's wearing says, "I hope this isn't more of the same, but just seeing you kicks in this bad feeling..."
It's not more of the same, I want to tell her, but that's about as far as my reasoning can take it. What's bothering me isn't exactly something I can just put my finger on. Do I tell her about Shirley, do I tell her about the malaise I've got eating away at me, or what?
I'd been tempted to bring the whole family with me— I spend so little time with them as it is— but settled on Rexy, mostly because he's easier to control. It's hard to think when you're trying to keep your eye on six of them and Tommy, too.
Today I could be alone in a padded cell and I'd still find it hard to think.
I take a seat on the sofa and after a moment Angel comes around from behind her desk and settles on the other end. Rexy's being real good. He licks her hand when she reaches out to pet him, then curls up on my lap and pretends to go to sleep. I know he s faking it became his ears twitch in a way they don't when he's really conked out.
Angel and I do some prelims— small talk which is always relaxed and easy around her, but eventually we get to the nitty-gritty of why I'm here.
"I've got this problem," I say, thinking of Shirley, but I know it s not her. I kind of like having her around again, dead or not.
"At work?" Angel tries when I'm not more forthcoming.
"Not exactly."
Angel's looking a little puzzled, but curious, too.
"Your grades are good," she says.
"It's not got anything to do with grades," I tell her. Well, it does, but only because the high school diploma's part and parcel of the whole problem.
"Then what does it have to do with?" Angel wants to know.
It's a reasonable request— more so because I'm the one who's come to her, taking up her time. I know what I want to say, but I don t know how to phrase it.
My new life's like a dress I might have wished after in a store window, saved for, finally bought, only to find out that while it's the right size, it still doesn't quite fit properly. It's the wrong color. The sleeves are too long, or maybe too short. The skirt's too tight.
It's not something Angel would understand. Intellectually, maybe, but not how I feel about it. Angel's one of those people that sees everyone having a purpose in life, you've just got to figure out what it is. I don't even know where to begin figuring out that kind of stuff.
"Nothing really," I say after a few moments.
I get up suddenly, startling Roxy who jumps to the floor and then gives me this put-upon expression of his— he should take out a patent on it.
"I've got to go," I tell Angel.
"Maisie," she starts, rising herself, but I'm already heading for the door.
I pretend I don't hear her. I pretend she's not following me to the street and calling after me as I head down the block at a quick walk that you might as well call running.
I'm not in good shape, I realize. Angel's the only person I know that I could have talked with about something like this, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even start.
All I felt like doing was crying, and that really would have freaked her, because I never cry.
Not where people can see.
5
"So what are you really doing here?" I ask.
We're sitting on a bench in the subway station at Williamson and Stanton, Shirley and I, with little Rexy sleeping on the toes of my running shoes. We're at the far end of the platform, It's maybe ten o'clock and there's hardly anybody else down here with us. I see a couple of yuppies, probably coming back from an early show. A black guy in a three-piece checking out papers in his briefcase. Two kids slouched against a wall, watching a companion do tricks with her skateboard that bring her perilously close to the edge of the platform. My heart's in my throat watching her; but her friends just look bored.
I wonder what they see when the look down this way. A baglady and me, with my dog dozing on my feet, or just me and Rexy on our own?
Shirley's gaze is on the subway system grid that's on the opposite side of the tracks, but I doubt she's really seeing it. She always needed glasses but never got herself a pair, even when she could afford them.
"When I first got to the city," she says, "I always thought that one day I'd go back home and show everybody what an important person I had become. I wanted to prove that just because everyone from my parents to my teachers treated me like I was no good, didn't mean I really was no good.
"But I never went back."
Ghosts always want to set something right, I remember from countless books and stories. Revenge, mistakes, that kind of thing. Sometimes just to say goodbye. They're here because of unfinished business.
This is the first time I ever realized that Shirley'd had any.
I mean, I wasn't stupid, even when I was twelve and she first took me in under her wing. Even then I knew that normal people didn't live on the streets wearing their entire wardrobe on their backs. But I never really thought about why she was there. She always seemed like a part of the street, so full of smarts and a special kind of wisdom, that it simply never occurred to me that she'd been running away from something, too. That she'd had dreams and aspirations once, but all they came to was a homeless wandering to which the only end was a mishap like falling down the stairs in some run-down squat and breaking your neck.
That's what your life'll be like, I tell myself, if you don't follow through on what Angel's trying to do for you.
Maybe. But I'd respected Shirley, for all her quirks, for all that I knew she wasn't what anybody else would call a winner. I'd just always thought that whatever she lacked, she had inner peace to make up for it.
I slouch lower on the bench, legs crossed at the ankles, the back of my head leaning against the top of the bench. I'm wearing my fedora and the movement pushes it forward so that the brim hangs low over my eyes.
"Is that why you're back?" I ask Shirley. "Because you still had things left to do here?"
She shrugs, an eloquent Shirley-like gesture, for all the layers of clothes she's wearing.
"I don't really feel I ever went anywhere or came back," she says.
"But you died," I say.
"I guess so."
I try a different tack. "So what's it like?"
She smiles. "I don't really know. When I'm here, I don't feel any different from before I died. When I'm not here, I'm... I don't know where I am. A kind of limbo, I suppose. A place where nothing moves, nothing changes, months are minutes."
I don't say anything.
"I guess it's like the bus I never took back home," she adds alter a moment. "I missed out on wherever it was I was supposed to go, and I don't know how to go on, where to catch the next bus, or if they're even running anymore. For me at least. They don't leave a schedule lying around for people like me who arrive too late.
"Story of my life I guess."
I start to feel so bad for her that I almost wish she'd go back to throwing cryptic little riddles at me the way she'd done the first couple of times we'd met.
"Is there anything I can do?" I say, but the subway roars into the station at the same time as I speak, swallowing my words with its thunder.
I'm about to repeat what I said but when I turn to look at Shirley, she's not there anymore. I only just make it through the doors of the car, Rexy under my arm, before they hiss closed behind me and the train goes roaring off again into the darkness.
The story of her life, I think. I wonder, what's the story of mine?
6
I should tell you about Tommy.