"I..."
The words start locking up inside me again. I take a deep breath and start over.
"I'm not really happy, I guess," I tell her.
She doesn't say anything, just nods encouragingly.
"It's... I never really told you why I came to see you about school and the job and everything. You probably just thought that you'd finally won me over, right?"
Angel shakes her head. "It was never a matter of winning or losing. I'm just there for the people who need me."
"Yeah, well, what happened was— do you remember when Margaret Grierson died?"
Angel nods.
"We shared the same postal station," I tell her, "and the day before she was killed, I got a message in my box warning me to be careful, that someone was out to do a serious number on me. I spent the night in a panic and I was so relieved when the morning finally came and nothing had happened, because what'd happen to Tommy and the dogs if anything ever happened to me, you know?"
"What does that have to do with Margaret Grierson?" Angel asks.
"The note I got was addressed to 'Margaret'— just that, nothing else. I thought it was for me, but I guess whoever sent it got his boxes mixed up and it ended up in mine instead of hers."
"But I still don't see what—"
I can't believe she doesn't get it.
"Margaret Grierson was an important person," I say. "She was heading up that AIDS clinic, she was doing things for people. She was making a difference."
"Yes, but—"
"I'm nobody," I say. "It should've been me that died. But it wasn't, so I thought well, I better do something with myself, with my life, you know? I better make my having survived meaningful. But I can't cut it.
"I've got the straight job, the straight residence, I'm going back to school and it's like it's all happening to someone else. The things that are important to me— Tommy and the dogs— it's like they're not even a part of my life anymore."
I remember something Shirley's ghost asked me, and add, "Maybe it's selfish, but I figure charity should start at home, you know? I can't do much for other people if I'm feeling miserable myself."
"You should've come to me," Angel says.
I shake my head. "And tell you what? It sounds so whiny. I mean there's people starving not two blocks from where we're sitting, and I should be worried about being happy or not? The important stuffs covered— I'm providing for my family, putting a roof over their heads and making sure they have enough to eat— that should be enough, right? But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like the most important things are missing.
"I used to have time to spend with Tommy and the dogs; now I have to steal a minute here, another there..."
My voice trails off. I think of how sad they all looked when I left the apartment tonight, like I was deserting them, not just for the evening, but forever. I can't bear that feeling, but how do you explain yourself to those who can't possibly understand?
"We could've, worked something out," Angel says. "We still can."
"Like what?"
Angel smiles. "I don't know. We'll just have to think it through better than we have so far. You'll have to try to open up a bit more, tell me what you're really feeling, not just what you think I want to hear."
"It's that obvious, huh?"
"Let's just say I have a built-in bullshit detector."
We don't say anything for awhile then. I think about what she's said, wondering if something could be worked out. I don't want special dispensation because I'm some kind of charity case— I've always earned my own way— but I know there've got to be some changes or the little I've got is going to fall apart.
I can't get the image out of my mind— Tommy with his sad eyes as I'm going out the door— and I know I've got to make the effort. Find a way to keep what was good about the past and still make a decent future for us.
I put my hand in my pocket and feel the bus ticket I bought earlier.
I have to open up a bit more? I think, looking at Angel. What would her bullshit detector do if I told her about Shirley?
Angel stretches out her legs, then lowers them to the floor.
"Come on," she says, offering me her hand. "Let's go talk about this some more."
I look around the squat and compare it to Aunt Hilary's apartment. There's no comparison. What made this place special, we took with us.
"Okay," I tell Angel.
I take her hand and we leave the building. I know it's not going to be easy, but then nothing ever is. I'm not afraid to work my butt off; I just don't want to lose sight of what's really important.
When we're outside, I look back up to the window where we were sitting. I wonder about Shirley, how's she's going to work out whatever it is that she's got to do to regain her oven sense of peace. I hope she finds it. I don't even mind if she comes to see me again, but I don't think that'll be part of the package.
I left the bus ticket for her, on the window sill.
10
I don't know if we've worked everything out, but I think we're making a good start. Angel's fixed it so that I've dropped a few courses which just means that it'll take me longer to get my diploma. I'm only working a couple of days a week at QMS— the Saturday shift that nobody likes and a rotating day during the week.
The best thing is I'm back following my trade again, trash for cash. Aunt Hilary lets me store stuff in her garage because she doesn't have a car anyway. A couple of nights a week, Tommy and I head out with our carts, the dogs on our heels, and we work the bins. We're spending a lot more time together and everybody's happier.
I haven't seen Shirley again. If it hadn't been for Aunt Hilary telling me about her coming by the house, I'd just think I made the whole thing up.
I remember what Bones told me about ghosts having their own agendas and how maybe we both had something to give each other. Seeing Shirley was the catalyst for me. I hope I helped her some, too. I remember her telling me once that she came from Rockcastle. I think wherever she was finally heading, Rockcastle was still on the way.
There isn't a solution to every problem, but at the very least, you've got to try.
I went back to the squat the day after I was there with Angel, and the bus ticket was gone. Logic tells me that someone found it and cashed it in for a quick fix or a bottle of cheap wine. I'm pretty sure I just imagined the lingered scent of rosehip and licorice, and the button I found on the floor was probably from one of Tommy's shirts, left behind when we moved.
But I'd like to think that it was Shirley who picked the ticket up, that this time she got to the depot on time.
Mr. Truepenny's Book Emporium And Gallery
The constellations were consulted for advice, but no one understood them.
My name's Sophie and my friend Jilly says I have faerie blood. Maybe she's right.
Faeries are supposed to have problems dealing with modern technology and I certainly have trouble with anything technological. The simplest appliances develop horrendous problems when I'm around. I can't wear a watch because they start to run backwards, unless they're digital; then they just flash random numbers as though the watch's inner workings have taken to measuring fractals instead of time. If I take a subway or bus, it's sure to be late. Or it'll have a new driver who takes a wrong turn and we all get lost.
This actually happened to me once. I got on the number 3 at the Kelly Street Bridge and somehow, instead of going downtown on Lee, we ended up heading north into Foxville.
I also have strange dreams.