‘I just told her a few home truths,’ said Samuel. ‘I said what I’ve been wanting to say to her every day since she left us.’
‘What?’
‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s go back to the hotel.’
‘You can go yourself.’
Samuel stopped dead.
‘What did you say?’
‘I said you can go back to the hotel on your own. I want to know what you said.’
‘I told her I thought she was a bloody shit heap.’
Joel gaped at him.
‘Why did you say that?’
‘Because that’s what I think. You don’t abandon your son like that. You don’t run away simply because you think the winters are too long. That’s what I told her. But she didn’t like it.’
Samuel was so upset that he was shaking.
‘I said what I’d made up my mind I was going to say. Now I’ve finished with her. I’m not going to give her another thought. Not a single one for the rest of my life.’
‘But what about me?’
Joel thought his voice had turned into a squeak.
‘But what about me?’ he said again. His voice was back to normal now.
‘That’s up to you,’ said Samuel. ‘She’s your mother. If you want to meet her, do.’
Samuel set off walking. Joel ran after him and raised an arm. Just like Samuel had done to Jenny. Samuel noticed and ducked away. Then they stood facing each other in the middle of the square, staring.
‘Were you going to hit me?’
‘Yes,’ said Joel. ‘Just like you were going to hit Jenny.’
Samuel grabbed hold of Joel’s arm.
‘We’re going back to the hotel now!’ he roared. ‘And when I’ve been to the hospital we’ll take the next train home.’
Joel was completely calm.
‘I’m not going with you.’
‘You mean you’re going to stay here in Stockholm?’
‘I’ve been to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange. I’m going to sign on with a ship. I can’t wait for you any longer.’
Samuel was silent for a while.
‘Hmm,’ he said eventually. ‘Hmm, so that’s what you’ve done, is it?’
‘It’s not too late for you to do the same.’
Samuel looked thoughtfully at him.
‘Maybe not. Maybe not.’
They started walking back to the hotel.
Samuel suddenly stopped dead.
‘I don’t regret it,’ he said. ‘I don’t regret saying what I did to Jenny. You have to understand that. What she did to us is something I can’t forgive her for. You don’t necessarily have to see it the same way. Do you see what I mean?’
‘No,’ said Joel. ‘But just now I couldn’t give a toss.’
As they approached the hotel, Samuel stopped outside abar.
‘A Pilsner would be just the thing right now,’ he said.
‘No,’ said Joel. ‘It wouldn’t be just the thing at all. Besides, you have to go to the hospital tomorrow without having had anything to eat or drink.’
‘I don’t think a Pilsner would do any harm.’
‘We’regoing back to the hotel,’ said Joel. ‘No Pilsner.’
They got up early next day. Joel went to the café for breakfast and Samuel took a bus to the hospital. Joel had money from Samuel to pay the photographer, but it would be several hours before the studio opened. Meanwhile he wandered around the streets, wondering if he dared to phone Jenny. Or should he simply write her a letter?
Samuel is an idiot. Greetings, Joel.
He found it hard to make up his mind.
He suddenly noticed the girl who had asked him for a cigarette the previous day. She was sitting on a bench, by herself, reading a magazine. Joel went to a kiosk and bought four loose cigarettes. Then he approached the bench.
‘It took a little while,’ he said, ‘so you can have four to make up for the delay.’
The girl didn’t recognise him at first. Then she burst out laughing.
‘You’re mad!’ she said.
She put the cigarettes in her pocket.
Then she stood up and walked away. Without even saying thank you.
Joel was disappointed. Despite the fact that he didn’t really know what he’d expected, or hoped for.
He thought of Sonja Mattsson, who had been naked underneath a transparent net curtain.
Things will be better once I go to sea, he thought. Then there’ll be no stopping me.
He went to the photography studio and had his pictures taken. Then he looked up the address of the sailors’ doctor.
The waiting room was packed.
It occurred to Joel that in away, both he and Samuel were in their respective hospitals.
And Jenny was working in a third.
He eventually got to see the doctor, who instructed Joel to take down his trousers. He then felt around Joel’s groin and pronounced him fit. He was issued with a certificate, which he took to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange.
They told him he should call back after a couple of days and collect his seaman’s discharge book.
He was just about to leave when he heard a voice behind him say:
‘Karmas requires a steward and an engine room assistant.’
Two men stood up and went to a hatch in the wall.
It’s my turn next, Joel thought.
The problem was what Samuel intended to do. Had he been serious? Was he really considering going to sea again? You never knew with Samuel. He could change his mind whenever it suited him.
But it was possible. Maybe he really had decided he’d had enough of wandering through the forests with an axe and a saw in his hand.
In that case, what would they do with the house by the river? And all the furniture? Joel decided he couldn’t face waiting any longer. Samuel would have to follow on later.
Joel wandered around town for a few more hours. He paused twice to buy and eat a hot dog.
Then he went back to the hotel.
No sign of Samuel yet.
But when he collected his key, the bald man gave him an envelope.
It was a letter. From Jenny Rydén.
10
The letter was short and handwritten.
Joel sat on the steps outside the hotel and read what she had written.
My dear son,
When Samuel started shouting and yelling at me in the square, it dawned on me why I’d really left all those years ago. Without saying anything.
I couldn’t say anything to you. You were too small. You wouldn’t have understood.
I don’t want to see Samuel ever again. But you have to understand that it wasn’t easy, living with him.
I just hop you and me can continue to see each other.
I’d like that.
Joel read the letter again.
Jenny had spelt a word wrongly. ‘Hop.’ She really meant ‘hope’.
Then he realised that there was something in the letter he could understand fully. That it wasn’t easy to live with Samuel. He’d discovered that for himself.
And how had it been for Sara? The waitress in the bar back home who hadn’t been able to put up with him either?
I expect it’s all to do with the fact that he shaves so carelessly, Joel thought. If you’re slapdash with that, you’re slapdash with other things as well.
He felt his cheeks. Only down so far. But he was quite certain that he would never shave carelessly. He’d prefer to grow a beard.
Joel wondered what to do. Should he show Samuel the letter? Or should he do what Samuel had done with the letter from Elinor? Show that it existed, but not say what was in it?
He went back into the hotel. He’d noticed that there was headed paper in one of the desk drawers. And Samuel had a pen. He’d be able to write a reply to Jenny on the spot.