It still wasn’t too late for him to change his mind. The last thing Samuel had given him at the railway station was the return half of his ticket. If he didn’t use it, he could send it back to Samuel in an envelope. Then Samuel would be able to take it to the station and get a refund.
Joel would have preferred not to have it. But Samuel insisted. Something could happen. He might change his mind.
Joel felt in his pocket. The ticket was still there.
He could take the train leaving the next day. And when Samuel got back home from work, the potatoes would be ready for him.
It was tempting.
But he forced himself: there would be no going back. In a few days’ time he would be issued with his discharge book.
Until then he’d stay with Jenny Rydén. And his sisters.
Somebody came in through the front door down below.
Joel stood up. He couldn’t delay things any longer.
He walked up the last few stairs and rang the bell on the door where it said J. Rydén.
11
It was Jenny Rydén who opened the door.
On each side of her was a little girl, peering out at him. One of them, the elder girl called Maria, had blonde hair and a round face. But Joel gave a start when he set eyes on the other girl.
There was no doubt about it: Joel and Eva were very similar. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly what it was, but looking at her was like seeing his own face in a mirror.
‘We’d started to wonder,’ said Jenny Rydén with a smile.
She seemed less nervous now. Her voice wasn’t as tense as it had been that first time.
Joel hung up his jacket and put down the bags containing his new clothes. They went into the living room. The sun shone in through the windows.
‘So, these are your sisters,’ said Jenny. ‘Maria and Eva.’
The girls were shy, and tried to hide behind each other. Joel felt embarrassed. Should he shake hands with them? Or what?
‘They’ve been going on and on,’ said Jenny. ‘Wondering when they were going to get to see their brother.’
So I haven’t been a ghost hidden away in a wardrobe, Joel thought. That was a relief, despite everything. The man who caught Joel in the changing room hadn’t known anything about him, but he’d been real enough for the two girls.
‘There’s something I want to show you,’ said Jenny.
She led Joel to where several framed photographs were hanging on a wall. A man with close-cropped hair and glasses caught Joel’s attention.
‘Is that Rydén?’
‘It’s our dad,’ said Maria.
‘That’s not the one I wanted to show you,’ said Jenny.
She pointed at a photograph of a little boy lying naked on a blanket. It was black and white, and rather dark. Joel leaned forward.
‘Who is it?’
‘It’s you. Can you see where it was taken?’
Joel looked hard at the picture. He had some difficulty in making out the background. But there was something about it he felt he recognised.
Then the penny dropped.
The picture had been taken in the kitchen at home. He could even see the Celestine in its case on the wall.
So it’s true, he thought. Jenny Rydén really is my mum.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, she and Samuel had lived together. And I lay on the kitchen table and had my photograph taken.
‘Who took the picture?’ he asked.
‘Samuel.’
‘But surely he can’t take photos? He’s never even owned a camera.’
‘He borrowed one. I can’t remember who from.’
Joel studied the picture of himself. He was looking straight at the camera, laughing.
Joel didn’t recognise himself.
The picture was from a long time ago, when he still hadn’t started to accumulate any memories.
Joel examined the other photographs. There was something missing. In one place there was a faint mark on the wall, showing that there had been a picture hanging there as well.
Samuel, Joel thought. After he’d shouted and yelled at her in the square, she went home and took down the picture. But Rydén was still there.
‘Now you know,’ she said. ‘That it really is true.’
‘Yes,’ said Joel.
But he didn’t like that mark on the wallpaper. Just because Samuel had boiled over and shouted at her, she didn’t need to take down his picture.
She showed him where he could sleep: in a little room behind the kitchen.
Then they made a tour of the flat. Joel had never seen so many toys as there were in the girls’ room. As soon as he’d entered the flat he’d started to wonder how somebody who worked in an old people’s home could afford to buy such elegant furniture. Perhaps Jenny Rydén was rich? But where had she got her money from? He decided it was probably the man with the close-cropped hair who’d had the money to buy all the furniture and all the toys.
He took an immediate dislike to Rydén. He thought about Samuel, who’d never had any money all his life.
He would tell Jenny to hang up the photograph of Samuel again. Not just now. But before he left them and went to sea.
Instead of mentioning the photograph, he said something that wasn’t true.
‘Samuel sends his greetings. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He sometimes says things he regrets afterwards.’
‘Oh, I know all about that! But it suddenly became too much for me.’
Perhaps it became too much for Samuel as well, Joel thought. After all, more than ten years had passed without him even knowing where you lived.
They’d returned to the living room. The girls were with them all the time, but said nothing. They never took their eyes off Joel.
‘I hope you’re hungry,’ said Jenny. ‘We’ll be eating shortly.’
Joel said he was looking forward to that.
‘There’s one thing I’ve often wondered about,’ she said. ‘Who did the cooking for you and Samuel? I ask because I know Samuel is hopeless when it comes to preparing food. At least, he was in those days.’
‘Oh, it varied,’ said Joel tentatively.
‘Maybe Samuel has a girlfriend?’
‘Occasionally.’
Joel had no desire to go any deeper into that question. Least of all did he want to tell her that he’d been his own mum all those years since she’d left them. And how angry he’d sometimes been at the mother who’d run away.
They had dinner in the kitchen. Joel sat at one short end of the table, opposite Jenny. The two sisters were still shy. Joel tried to think of something to say. But most of the time he was thinking about Samuel, who was by now lying on a bench in a train compartment, resting his head on his suitcase.
He hadn’t packed any food to take with him for the journey.
He’d be hungry all the time until he got home. Even if there was a restaurant car on the train, it was bound to be far too expensive.
Joel had to acknowledge that he had a bad conscience. He shouldn’t have accepted the money. At the very least he ought to have thought of buying something for Samuel to eat on the train.
Jenny had lots of questions to ask. And Joel answered them all. About how things had gone at school. And why he wanted to become a sailor like Samuel. Joel answered very tersely. He felt under pressure. Already he was thinking about finding a job on a ship as soon as possible.
It was beginning to get late.
The girls started getting ready for bed. Joel thought they were making a terrible din in the bathroom. But Jenny didn’t seem to hear anything. Joel sat in the living room while they prepared for the coming night. Then Jenny came to ask him if he would like to accompany her to the girls’ room and say good night.