She came up instantly refreshed, raked back her hair, checked her goggles, waded a little deeper, and dove under another wave. This time she came up swimming. First she angled away from the shore, swimming under a few more large swells as they broke. Within seconds, she was out past the breaking waves, parallel to the shore, swimming freestyle, her body rolling with the rhythm of the ocean.
For the first few minutes, Kelly concentrated on getting in sync with the waves, timing her breaths to avoid swallowing salt water. Before long, she was in the zone. It felt great to be in her element, channeling her pent-up tension into each stroke. It seemed like the longer she swam the stronger she became. She kicked harder and lengthened her stroke, practically sprinting down the back side of the swells.
She knew she should be careful about holding some energy in reserve-a riptide could carry her out a half mile or more in no time at all. But tonight, she didn’t really care.
Fatigue came more quickly than she anticipated, but still she swam. After twenty minutes, she stopped long enough to glance at her watch. A good workout in the pool would be thirty minutes. But here, fighting the ocean swells, she had already been swimming twenty minutes and hadn’t even turned around.
She had drifted a little farther from shore than she had intended. She put her head down and plowed farther ahead, muscles beginning to burn. The pain was exactly what she needed. The risk was exactly what she wanted.
At twenty-five minutes, she turned and headed back toward the Hilton. Going in this direction, she rotated her head toward shore as she breathed, catching a glimpse of the lights from the oceanfront homes with every other stroke.
Ten minutes later, she started struggling a little. It was harder to breathe, and her arms and legs felt like lead weights. She was still dangerously far from shore, but tonight she had this inexplicable desire to flirt with danger. She knew how dangerous this was. Bordering on insane. She had a promising career. A family who loved her. She was on the verge of being a national figure-a hero in the fight against gun violence.
But none of that seemed to matter now. Because the one thing Kelly cared about most-her reputation, her integrity-was about to be shattered. Luthor would be forced to reveal what he knew. The Monica Lewinsky taint would follow Kelly forever. How often had her father said that if you lose your integrity you lose everything?
She swam harder. Longer. Pushing herself for one more minute… one more breath… one more stroke.
Finally she reached the point of exhaustion and started angling toward shore. As soon as she got there she would rest on the sand for a few minutes and then walk the rest of the way to the hotel.
But as she turned toward shore, at nearly the height of her fatigue, she felt the subtle pull of the current and realized she had miscalculated. The tide was taking her farther out-not a full-blown riptide but something close.
She stopped to tread water for a second and get her bearings but quickly started swimming again as she watched the shore grow more distant. A surge of adrenaline kicked in, and she nearly panicked as she realized that she was still losing ground. She knew the drill-don’t fight the riptide. Swim parallel to shore, out the side of the current, not against it.
But that required energy and stamina. She tried to get a deep breath and relax, but she was so tired. She gamely fought back the panic, put her head down, and started swimming parallel to the shore. Two minutes. Three minutes. Five.
She swallowed some water and coughed it up. The swells seemed larger now, though she knew it must be just an illusion. The shore was still fading away.
Thoughts about the trial had succumbed to a single-minded focus on survival. A prayer and another rush of adrenaline sustained her for a few more minutes, but at this rate it would be over soon. Her arms and legs burned with fatigue as lactic acid took its toll. She resisted the urge to shout out. It would be a waste of breath; nobody could hear her this far from shore.
There was only one thing to do-keep swimming.
She put her head down and continued pushing-past the fatigue, past the pain, one stroke at a time, each one more difficult than the last. In her competitive days, she was legendary for her will to win. Tonight, it would take every ounce of that will just to survive. She thought about everything worth living for-her faith, her family, her friends, the clients who needed her.
Nothing helped. She was going to lose this battle.
But just when she was ready to concede defeat, she felt a small shift in the current, very subtle-the gradual release of the riptide’s fingers. It was as if the fist of death had been pried opened by the hand of God.
She swam a few more aching strokes until she had completely cleared the current. She caught her breath by floating on the surface for a few minutes before starting the grind toward shore. She picked the right angle, rode the waves, relaxed between swells, and eventually felt sand under her exhausted legs.
She walked toward the beach and collapsed on her knees in the ankle-deep water. She stayed there for a minute, trying to catch her breath. How close had she been to dying? How many more minutes could she have fought the tide?
She knew God had snatched her out of danger. In a private moment that no one else would share or comprehend, He had rescued her. But only after she had quit fighting against the riptide. Only when she had been ready to give up and let the powerful ocean claim its victim. That’s when she had felt Him move.
Kneeling in the sand, she thought about some verses her dad had often quoted. The words of Jesus, though Kelly couldn’t remember when or where. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?
The whole world-a law career, a reputation, national fame.
What do you benefit if you gain the whole world and lose your soul?
To her horror, Kelly realized how much she had been toying with that bargain. Her pride and her shame had driven her away from God. She had been swimming against the need for repentance and reconciliation, trying to curry His favor with her crusades when what she really needed was mercy and acceptance.
Kneeling there in the sand, she asked God to forgive her.
81
First thing Saturday morning, Kelly called her dad. “Can we talk?” she asked.
“Sure, Kell. What’s up?”
They had talked a few times during the trial, but Kelly was usually so busy that mostly her dad left voice mail messages telling Kelly how proud he was of the way she was handling the case.
Last night, she had decided to call him today and tell him everything she had been hiding for the past seven years. But now that he was actually on the phone, it felt awkward.
“I know you’ve got church tomorrow, but is there any way we could get together for a few minutes? I just really need to see you.”
Kelly knew that Saturday was her dad’s day to fine-tune his sermon. Rule number one in the Starling house: don’t mess with Dad on Saturday. And the drive from Charlottesville to Virginia Beach one way would take nearly four hours.
But her dad must have heard the catch in Kelly’s voice. He said he could be there by two that afternoon. He would get someone else to preach the next day. He had wanted to watch her closing argument anyway.
She backtracked a little and put up some token resistance but it was a done deal.
Early that afternoon, her dad called from the hotel lobby. He came up to Kelly’s room, and she told him everything.
They sat on the edge of the bed, and her dad gently assured her of God’s forgiveness. She cried in his arms for what seemed like an hour.