She lies still, pupils huge in the dark, and looks him in the face. A bald-man’s crop, rolls of fat on the back of his neck like a Charolais bull, thick two-inch sideburns. Flecks of spittle at the corners of the mouth. Three-day stubble that smells of fried onions and stale beer. Eyes made of pure contempt. He can do whatever he wants, she thinks. I’d better let him before he gets angry enough to kill me.
When he’s done, he gives her a couple of kicks in the stomach for good measure, throws her sideways against the wall like a piece of litter and swaggers off towards the light, buttoning his trousers. Cher curls up, pulls her knees to her chest and gingerly closes her bruised thighs. Her knees and ankle and foot throb; pulse with the beating of her heart. Her head is splitting where he punched her, her lip swelling and one eye closing. She can feel the bruises coming through on her neck; ten spreading marks of squeezing fingertips.
Cher drops her head on to her hand, and falls into the rising dark…
When she wakes, the streets are silent. No sounds from the station, no swish of distant traffic on the Embankment. But the sky is lighter, and somewhere, on a rooftop, a nightingale is greeting the dawn.
There’s been a dew as she slept, and her clothes and hair are damp. Slowly, gingerly, she unfurls herself and sits upright. It hurts. There’s not a place that doesn’t hurt – sharp pains and scarlet throbbing, and a screech of white light in her head. Dully, she pulls her foot up on to her lap, her swollen privates strangely soothed by the morning air, and examines the underside. The glass is buried deep in her heel, the thick brown glass they use for beer bottles, a shred of a Watneys label still attached. She takes a grip with trembling fingers, and pulls. Lets out a gasp of pain as it comes loose and slides out. Jesus, she thinks, examining it, it’s huge. It must have gone right through to the bone.
She wants to sleep again, but knows she mustn’t. She needs to get home, hide away, clean up, get over it. Trauma is a luxury for other people. To all intents and purposes, Cher does not exist. She knows this. It’s her choice. It’s not for ever. A time will come when she can come full out into the world, but that time’s not now. She groans as she pushes herself up the wall, limps over to her flip-flops and slips them on. The pain of standing on her bad ankle, on the ball of her foot to avoid dirtying her gaping wound any further than it’s already dirty, makes her hiss through her teeth, but she manages it, and at least now she won’t fall prey to whatever else is left of the beer bottle. She leans one hand on the wall and looks down at her wig. It lies, half-in, half-out of the drain, matted and ratty, the ends black with dirty water. Not worth the effort of bending to fetch it. She’s going to need all the strength she has just to get home.
It takes her twenty minutes to hobble back to her bag, holding on to walls and lamp-posts, stopping every now and then to doze on her feet, like a horse. When she gets there, she is tempted to curl up again behind the gate, where no one will find her, and sleep until the day is full. She lowers herself on to the ground and pinches herself, hard, on the inside of her elbow. You can’t sleep here, she tells herself. If he’s really hurt you, if you really need help, no one will find you. Not till you start to stink. She peels off her grimy, bloodied whore clothes and drops them on to the ground. She won’t be using them again. She doubts she’d want to, but anyway, they’re all spoiled.
She switches on her phone to check the time, and is surprised to find that it’s gone four o’clock. Her sleep didn’t feel like it lasted more than a few minutes. She finds a sachet of wet wipes and passes one over her face, is astonished by the amount of black dirt and rusty blood that comes away. Checks herself in the hand mirror and barely recognises herself. Her right eye is almost completely closed and her mouth is lopsided, her lower lip barely able to obey the request she sends it to close. A trail of dried blood leaks from her right nostril. Gingerly, she dabs at it until it’s gone. Her nose itself looks okay; but it aches inside, as though something’s bust. Christ, she thinks, I won’t get past this in a while. I’ll stand out like a sore thumb for weeks.
She pulls on her street gear, feels better for being covered. Picks the last of the hairgrips from her hair and lets it loose. Inches her hurty foot into an Ugg, sucking air sharply between her teeth as she does so, but it feels better once it’s there, the ankle supported, at least, and the cut cushioned.
At least he didn’t get my bag, she thinks, thankful for small mercies. I’ve still got my Oyster card.
Cher rolls on to her knees and gets to her feet from a downward-facing dog.
The night bus is full of drunks. Drunks and exhausted night workers slumbering in their hi-viz uniforms. Everyone is sunk into their own exhaustion, staring numbly at spots a few inches from their faces, and she’s glad of that. She takes a seat at the back, facing away from the driver, and huddles against the window. The day is already warming up, fingers of pink streaking the sky over the river. London, she thinks. You were going to be the saving of me. Do you remember? I wasn’t going to be like the other girls, in and out of foster care and slipping, with each return, further down the road to street corners and late-night beatings and a place on a methadone programme. Oh, God, this hurts. I think I’ve got some tramadol I found in a bag a few months ago. It’s probably still good. At least I’ll get some sleep. When I get back.
As they trundle along the Wandsworth Road, up Lavender Hill, she realises that she is beginning to drift off to sleep again. Maybe I’ve got a concussion, she thinks. I banged my head enough. You’re not meant to sleep if you’ve got a concussion. I must stay awake. I must make myself stay awake till I get home. Vesta will know what to do, when I get home…
She dreams about the attic again. The secret attic under the stairs. This time, it’s full of dressmakers’ mannequins and brass bedsteads, the mattresses heaped with dustsheets. Something moves, away in the far corner, beneath the eaves, out of her eyeshot. Something big and dark and old. Cher wants to run, but when she turns to get away, she finds that the stairs she came in by have disappeared…
She jumps awake. The bus is empty and the engine is off, and the driver, still locked in his cab, is flicking the lights on and off to attract her attention. Cher sits up gingerly from the bundle she’s made of herself in the corner and peers through the window. Her eye has almost closed as she slept and it takes her a moment to recognise the bus stand at the top of Garrett Lane. She’s missed her stop and ended up in Tooting. It’s an hour’s walk to Northbourne, and that’s on two good legs. ‘Thanks,’ she mumbles, though her mouth is so dry the word comes out as a croak, and stumbles off.
The newsagent is opening up at Tooting Bec, the lights coming on as she arrives at the door. She buys a pack of Nurofen and a can of Fanta, the guy behind the counter studiously avoiding her eyes, takes four pills and drains the can to wash them down. She can barely get her mouth to fit round the opening; a dribble of sugary liquid runs down her chin and on to her collar. But she doesn’t care any more. Everything hurts: her head, her neck, her stomach, her back – everything. Maybe it would have been better if he’d killed me after all, she thinks. I wouldn’t have to live through this, then. It would all be peace and quiet.
She hoists her bag on to her shoulder and sets off for Northbourne. She’s shaking and her legs are wobbly. She wonders if she should stop and get something to eat, a Mars Bar or a Snickers or something full of sugar to get her the last mile home, but she doubts she’d be able to chew it – and even if she did she doubts it would stay down.