With each of her words, von Behren had felt himself turning into a thing of lead, his own weariness encasing his shoulders and spine. He managed to look over at his assistant director. “If you wish to go, I won’t hold it against you. But you will have to decide for yourself.”
The other managed a rueful smile as he shook his head. “She’s right -” He looked up, listening to the clashing sounds that had already grown closer and louder. “There really is nowhere else to go.”
“Very well.” Von Behren turned away, clapping his hands once more for attention. He raised his voice. “Let us get to work, then.” He glanced up at the clouded sun that had leaked through a corner of the overhead canvases. “While we still have light…”
He was so faint from hunger that he could no longer feel the ground beneath him as he walked. The only food he’d had on his long trek from the asylum had been a few green shoots pushing through the melting snow. That, and a few scraps of charred pork he’d found in the ashes of a fire left behind by Russian soldiers. His stomach had clenched around the strong-tasting meat and he’d been sick, vomiting it all back up. After that, he’d felt odd and feverish, the world shimmering uneasily in his sight.
From the hiding place of a muddy ditch, Pavli had witnessed the Red Army crossing the Oder, the heavy tanks splashing across the wide, shallow river. Nobody had detected his presence, though he had been close enough to hear the rough voices shouting incomprehensible words, the harsh laughter of the troops who had come so far from the east and were now within sight of their enemy’s capital. They were all blinded and deafened by the roar of cannon fire, the shouting rush of the Katushka rocket launchers, the ‘Stalin organs’ – that was what he had heard them called by the guards back at the asylum, the ones who had served time on the front. Even before the shelling of the German defenses on the opposite shore had ended, the Russians had plunged into the water, some swimming across in full gear, others in tiny, gun-laden boats or pushing rafts of supplies. Pavli had raised his head above the crumbling dirt rim and had watched the thousands of men swarming insect-like through the churning river. When silence came again, the artillery ceasing its bombardment, he had felt a scalding wind die against his face, the air tortured by the massed explosions.
He had made his own way across in the wake of the advancing army, floating with his arms wrapped around a shattered tree trunk, pushing away the ragged corpses of those who had been crushed by tank treads or had caught a bullet from the fleeing Germans. Their bearded faces still looked fierce, teeth clenched with vengeful desire. With the bag of black leather still clutched in his hand, he had staggered onto the other shore, coughing up the water made salty with blood.
That had been days ago. The Red Army was somewhere to his right now; he had drifted a little to the south as he had continued stumbling westward. That’s good, he told himself, the words creaking in his weary brain. You mustn’t let them catch you… That was his greatest fear, that he might fall into the Russians’ hands. He spoke only German and a few words and phrases of the gypsy-like tongue his uncle and the others occasionally had used. Would they think he was a deserter, or a scout from some nearby Wehrmacht division? From what he had already seen, these soldiers were given to making no distinction between one German male and another; it was obviously easier, and safer, to shoot anything that moved and then examine the corpses for items of value. Pavli still had Ritter’s SS dagger tucked inside his shirt; the blade bumped against his protruding ribs. If they found that on him – if he were still alive when they found it – it would be excuse enough to kill him and take the knife for a souvenir. Still, he hadn’t been able to throw it away. In the darkness, he could clasp both fists around its handle, ready to swing the glittering edge across the face of anyone who might chance upon him.
His heavy eyelids drew closed, involuntarily, as he kept walking. The smell of burnt wood and the buzzing of flies brought him awake again. He stopped, shoulders hunched and mouth open to draw in one slow breath after another, and looked around.
He recognized the place; he was in the open square of one of the little villages just outside Berlin. He had come here with his uncle a few times, for photographs to be made into postal cards. The clock tower had a distinctive ornate design, the circle of numbers mounted with a scowling sun and smiling moon on an iron grille through which doves could reach their nests inside. There was no cooing and fluttering of wings now; silence, shaken only by the distant thunder of the war. A closer, almost electrical vibrating, hung over the broken and smoke-blackened buildings.
As his foot struck a hand outstretched upon the cobblestones, a cloud of flies burst into the air, then settled back down upon the corpse’s wounds. Pavli saw the dead now, scattered in the open or in the doorways. Most of them in uniform, darkened by the bleeding around the bullet holes; a few were civilians, without any rifles lying nearby.
“ Wer bist du? ”
Startled, Pavli turned toward the voice. For a moment, he couldn’t locate its source. Then he saw a woman peering from behind one of the doors. She emerged slowly, staring at him. Her hair was dusted with grey ash, her face smeared with soot.
“Who are you?” she demanded again. She had already crossed the square, her hands with their black-rimmed nails reaching up toward him.
He stepped backward, away from the woman. “No one -” The word, the first he had spoken in weeks, cracked in his throat. He shook his head. “I’m no one -”
Her hands darted out and snared upon the black leather bag he had clutched to his chest. Her eyes grew wilder, the thin arms in the torn sleeves shaking in desperation.
The woman had taken Pavli by surprise. He had almost lost his grasp upon the bag before he was able to push her away. He turned to run, but she caught his shoulders, the crook of her elbow around his neck.
“Give it to me!” She wept with frustration. “You must -”
They toppled together onto the stones, Pavli landing hard against his chest, the handle of Ritter’s knife shoving into his gut. The sudden pain flared into anger. He pushed himself onto one arm and swung his other fist across the woman’s face, knocking her from him.
He stood up painfully and reached down for the leather bag. As his breath returned to his aching lungs, he turned toward the woman.
“I’m hungry -” She knelt, arms clasped around her nonexistent breasts, rocking back and forth as the tears striped the dirt on her face. “I was hiding for so long – down there. Vati told me to, he told me not to come out until it was quiet – and now I can’t find him…”
He had thought she was an old woman, and now he saw that she was younger than him, almost a child.
“I… I can’t…” Her pleading gaze clove his heart as he stepped backward. “I can’t…” He turned and ran, holding the bag tighter to himself.
She had just been hungry; that was all. His own stomach had contracted to his spine. In a thick stand of pine outside the village, he slowed down, the smoke-laden air a rock between his lungs. She thought I had something… that’s all. He stopped, trying to keep exhaustion from felling him to the ground. In the branches above his head, the birds watched him.
Too dangerous to continue on, carrying the leather bag with the skin of his brother Matthi inside. Not that he was afraid of being caught with such a thing, of what would happen to him – they could only kill him – but what they would do with the skin, the remnant of his brother. He couldn’t bear the thought of it being violated, thrown aside in disgust and trampled into the ground, or tossed onto a smoldering fire.
Pavli knelt down. The knife’s sharp point broke open the ground, softer now that the spring thaw had set in; with his hands, he scooped out a hole deep enough in which to hide the bag of black leather. When he stood up, he memorized the location of where he buried the leather bag, an outcropping of rock serving as a marker. The time might come when he would be able to exhume it, have his brother with him once more, in the hope that Matthi would once more speak to him. But if his own death came instead, better that his brother’s skin lay in the earth undisturbed.