‘No, dreaming.’
‘More like a nightmare, by the look of you.’
‘Perhaps. It’s gone now.’ She attempted a laugh, which was difficult since her dream still haunted her.
‘I’m at a loose end and thought we could go shopping in Norwich. I need some things to take to Girton and I want to buy Claudia and Reggie a wedding present.’ Now the children were grown up and no longer needed her, Claudia had at last agreed to marry her bus driver. ‘What do you say?’ Tatty went on. ‘You haven’t got anything else arranged, have you?’
Tatty was always going off here, there and everywhere with her friends, but they were close, mother and daughter, and they enjoyed going shopping together. ‘Give me a minute and I’ll be ready.’
She struggled off the bed and went to have a shower. When she returned, Tatty was sitting on her bed, waiting for her. ‘What were you dreaming about, Mum? It wasn’t Dad, was it?’
‘Why do you say that?’ she asked sharply.
‘He’s away an awful lot. He went off again early this morning, didn’t he?’
‘Yes, but he loves sailing and I don’t. He’ll be home next weekend for the wedding.’ In the absence of any close family, Robert had agreed to give the bride away. Tatty was to be bridesmaid.
‘I’m not a child, you know. I’ve got eyes and ears.’
Lydia smiled. No, her daughter was a beautiful young woman, far too observant sometimes. She was off to Girton in October and then both her children would have left the nest. She sat down beside her on the bed. ‘Tatty, I’m not worried about your father, I promise you.’
‘Then what?’
‘It was something on the news last night,’ she said, prevaricating. ‘Some poor young man has been killed trying to get over the Berlin Wall. To me, that dreadful wall symbolises the great chasm between East and West, a gulf of hate and misunderstanding nothing can bridge, and it set me thinking about my time in Russia just before the war and I suppose that’s what triggered the dream.’
‘Tell me about it.’
Perhaps if she talked about it, she could dispel the feeling of guilt, because it was guilt which gave her the nightmares. ‘It was a terrible time. No one knew what was going to happen and when the Germans invaded there was panic everywhere. The Russians had been relying on their non-aggression pact with Germany and were taken by surprise. Alex saw it coming and so did most of the Brits in Russia at the time, but of course, no one listened to them. People disappeared, simply disappeared into thin air, and there was no way of tracing them…’ She stopped. ‘I shouldn’t be remembering that, should I? I can’t seem to stop myself and I feel so guilty…’
‘Whatever for?’
‘I left Yuri behind. I abandoned him.’
‘From what you’ve told me, Mum, you had no choice.’
‘Sometimes I ask myself if I should have been stronger and not let Alex persuade me to leave.’
Tatty knew about Alex; he had figured in her tale of leaving Russia at the beginning of the war, before she met Robert, but she had called him a family friend, which indeed he was. He had been frequently at Upstone Hall as a young man and several photographs in the family album featured him but, like everyone else, Tatty believed he had been killed at the beginning of the war. ‘Then your life would have been very different. You would not have married Dad and Bobby and I would not have been born. You don’t regret that, do you?’
‘No, of course not. Not for a minute. Don’t ever think it. It’s simply that I would like Yuri to know how it was and to understand…’
‘Perhaps he does.’
‘It’s not only that I left him, it’s that I didn’t want him. When I realised I was pregnant I hated the thought of having a child, especially Kolya’s. It seemed to be the end of everything. I couldn’t come home and I was so unhappy. The bigger I got the more I hated that lump in my body. I wanted him to be born dead…’
‘Mum!’ Tatty was shocked. ‘You never said that before.’
‘You were too young to be told and, in any case, the minute he was born and I held him in my arms, I loved him. I loved him all the more for not wanting him in the first place. When Kolya and Olga Nahmova took him I was out of my mind. And then Alex turned up, sent by Grandpa to find me. We searched for Yuri together until he made me give up and come home. I always hoped we would find him, but even when he was traced, he didn’t want to know. It was my punishment, I suppose.’
‘I didn’t know he had been traced.’
She had almost given herself away. ‘It was Olga Nahmova found him. They told me she was dying of her wounds, but she didn’t die. She recovered and went looking for him. She was his mother. Why should he want anything to do with me?’
‘Mum, you mustn’t think like that. I’m sure if he understood what happened, he’d want to be in touch.’
‘Perhaps, but it wouldn’t be easy, you know. There are so many restrictions.’ She paused, unsure where the conversation was leading her. ‘Come on, I’m longing for a cup of tea, then we’ll be off to Norwich.’
To Lydia’s relief Tatty did not ask how she knew Olga had found him; she could not divulge that without betraying her visits to Alex and she could not do that. They went downstairs together and Lydia managed to put it from her mind until they were driving past the turn for Northacre Green when she nearly gave way again. Keeping away from Alex was the hardest thing she had done since leaving Yuri in Russia and it was no easier after two years, but she had to do it. She could never have gone on seeing him, returning home so elated or so dejected that someone was sure to notice. It was not in her nature to dissemble, to add more untruths to those already told. She would not have been able to function as a wife and mother if her heart and soul and every thought was geared towards the next trip to Northacre Green and how she was going to manage it. She hoped – no, she knew – Alex understood that.
It didn’t mean he was not constantly in her thoughts. She would imagine him in his scruffy pullover, feeding pigs and chickens, hoeing between the rows of vegetables, striding across the heath to the pub, cooking for himself and eating at the kitchen table. And she would re-enact in her head every detail of their lovemaking, his hands caressing her, his lips all over her body, his murmured words of love. It was erotic and dangerous for her peace of mind. Pulling herself together, she drove on.
In Norwich, she drew into the car park behind the castle and they made their way to Bonds, where Tatty bought clothes and new toiletries to take to college, after which they spent some time wandering about the different departments, discussing what gift Tatty should buy for Claudia and Reggie. ‘It will be strange in the house without Claudia,’ Tatty said. ‘She’s been there my whole life. I can’t imagine her married.’
‘I can’t either, but Reggie is a nice man and he’s been patient a long time. What were you thinking of buying them?’ Robert and Lydia had promised, as their gift, to pay for the reception at Upstone Hall. Claudia had a host of friends in the village and there would be about a hundred guests.
‘I don’t know. Not crockery or cutlery or a toast rack.’ She pulled a face. ‘Horribly unoriginal. I thought something for their garden. Reggie was telling me he was looking forward to making something of that.’
‘What about a garden bench?’
‘Good idea. Let’s have a cup of tea and a cream cake and then go to the garden centre and order it.’
Lydia was tired but content when they returned to Upstone Hall about six o’clock. Her bad dream, though not forgotten, had been pushed to the back of her mind.
The church was packed for the wedding when Lydia and Tatty arrived, Tatty in lilac silk and a tiara of real rosebuds, Lydia in a petrol-blue dress with full sleeves and a floating panel. A picture hat with a white full-blown rose on the front of the brim served to shade eyes which sometimes betrayed too much of what she was thinking and feeling. Bobby was already there, acting as usher and showing people to their places. Lydia made her way into the church, leaving Tatty to wait in the porch for Robert and Claudia in the bridal car. Outside the bells rang joyfully and inside the organist played softly.