There were still moments, of course, terrors just before waking, or an odd moment when her loss would strike her again with full force and she would lose control. Those times were rarer now, and growing less frequent, however. For the last two days she'd been trying to find the Dreaming again, but the state of mind required was just as nebulous and out of reach as it had been all her life.
It was frustrating as she tried to find something that seemed to wisp just slightly out of her reach, just coming close enough sometimes so that she could almost feel it before it would vanish again. It was all the worse because she had the knowledge that it was there, an absolute knowledge backed by the proof of experience, and yet it remained elusive.
That's where she was, in mind at least, when Kaern returned from his trip to the spring. She missed his entrance as she sat cross-legged on the floor, her body screaming her frustration with its stiff form.
"That'll never get ye anywhere, lass," Kaern said, dropping his latest catch along with some more scattered branches from the scraggly bushes that were growing near the spring.
Elan jolted, hissing in surprise and snapping around to look at him. "What?"
"That—" He nodded in her direction. "—will never get ye anywhere. A Dream Quest is not a chore, lass. It's a journey without end. Yer already on it, so relax and let the scenery come as it will."
"I did it once!" she snapped in frustration. "Why can't I find it again?"
"Ye did it 'cause ye needed it," he corrected. "It will be there when ye need it, but I doubt ye'll find it before then. Now come here and help me with the rabbits, lass. We have to talk."
Elan slowly came to her feet then and walked just a little gingerly over to where Kaern was skillfully twisting his skinning knife through the hide of the scrawny animal. She picked up another of the small knives and a rabbit and went to work herself.
"About what?" she said quietly.
"About you," he said, hands working as he spoke. "You yerself told me that ye have no place to go now, so tell me what you plan."
He watched her face tighten, the muscles around her mouth pulling just enough to gather the skin tight enough to notice.
"Venadrin," she said.
One word was all it took, just a name really, with no meaning to anyone else but her. Kaern understood the meaning in it, though, and grimly shook his head.
"Ye'll never survive it, child."
"I don't care," she said firmly.
"I think ye do," he replied as he worked. "If ye didn't care, ye wouldn't have found me. There's more t' life then revenge, ye know."
"Not for me. Not anymore."
"Don't be stupid," he snapped, his blade clattering to the ground as he glared at her.
Elan jerked a bit, almost dropping her own, shocked by the sudden sharpness to his normally calm voice.
"Ye're young, mostly hale, and have a future," he growled, picking up his knife. "Would yer father or yer mother ask ye to kill yerself for them when they're already gone on?"
She paled dreadfully at that, though the color change was hard to see against the remaining evidence of her burns. Kaern ignored it and kept pressing home his point.
"And even if ye must wage this private war of yours, are you really so stupid as to do it untrained and unprepared?"
She glared at him, her color returning in a flush. He was now challenging her training, the training that her father had given her, and that would not stand. "I'm trained!"
"Yer a child," he returned. "If ye were trained, ye would never have been in such a stupid position as I found ye. Attacking...what? Twenty? Thirty demons on yer own? That was worse than foolish, lass. That was suicidal."
She scowled at him then, but didn't have much to say in reply and instead turned sullenly back to her work.
Lord Maker, preserve me from yer children, Kaern thought, rolling his eyes. "When caught like that, against demons especially, ye have to work the edges of the group. Take them one at a time, when the rest aren't lookin’. Bide yer time, even if it should take days, weeks, or longer. Better to be patient, lass, and get them all, than to be stupid and get dead."
He watched her reaction closely, trying to determine if she was listening. Maker knew, he knew less about young girls then he did about just about anything else, and what he was learning wasn't exactly promising. She was looking down at the rabbit in her hands now, apparently intent on her knife work.
At least she seems competent in that, he thought, eyeing the quick blade motions. So she can be taught at least.
Not a total loss then, assuming she was listening to him.
"I know," she whispered, surprising him.
"What?" he asked, blinking.
"I was wrong. I know that."
So, she was listening. He nodded, eyeing her. "Aye, lass, ye were. But ye survived it, if only by the skin o' yer teeth... So then, the question becomes...what next?"
"They're too far away now. I'll never catch them," she said, finally admitting something that had been gnawing at her for days.
"Aye, there's that." Kaern nodded in agreement. "Likely they're back to the coast by now, and reported in about what they've accomplished out here."
"Reported?" She looked up.
"Ye didn't think that they acted on their own, did ye?"
The look in her eyes was answer enough, Kaern could tell. She hadn't spared enough thought beyond the immediate crisis, and there was no knowledge of politick in her features. He shook his head, smiling softly. "Ah, lass, ye really know nothing of the world, do ye?"
When she didn't reply, he went on.
"Yer pal 'Venadrin' is just a lackey. He's nothing in the scope of things, child, though I'll warrant he's something to you."
Her lips curled up, and Kaern almost expected her to growl.
"Now, above him, somewhere, is one of the minor lords that rule the coast. There's the man who ordered him and his demons out here to hunt down yer family," Kaern told her, then shrugged. "’Course, I use the term 'man' loosely. He's probably a demon of the Sixth Circle, maybe the Fifth, if yer dad pissed on the wrong lawn.
"This demon rules at least one of the city states, along with every soul and demon within," Kaern went on. "He owns the lives of his subjects, including yer pal Venadrin. Officially, no one does anything in a demon realm without the lord's permission."
Kaern rolled his shoulders, dropping his knife as he picked up a spit for his rabbit. "O’ course, under the shadows there is always a lot more going on than the lord is willing to admit."
"How do I find him?" Elan asked softly, but firmly.
"Ye don't," Kaern replied evenly.
Elan glared at him then, her ire instantly piqued as she opened her mouth to object.
Kaern just cut her off with a chopping motion of his hand. "I'll not aid ye to commit suicide." He looked away then, frowning into the smoldering remnants of the fire. "When ye’re fully hale, I'll show ye to a town I know. Some people there will give ye a place if ye want it."
"Fine." Elan said flatly, not caring in the slightest for a “place,” but knowing that she needed Kaern's help just to find anything. She could wander the wastes for the rest of her life and find literally nothing at all.
Kaern eyed her for a moment, then grimaced. "Don't be getting any foolish ideas, child. I've got my doubts that you could survive on yer own in a town. Not that ye've shown much talent for surviving in the wild."
His sarcastic comment lifted her hackles, but Kaern ignored the glare she sent his way with a calm assurance of superiority.
"Get some sleep now then," he told her off-handedly. "Tonight is the last night ye'll have to rest for a while, I'll warrant. Tomorrow we'll start out, so be ready to walk."
Elan glared, but nodded reluctantly.
Kaern watched her until she grudgingly made her way back to the sleeping area he'd set up for her and curled up again. He wondered briefly if he were perhaps speeding things up a bit, but her injuries were healing well and she'd shown that she was able to walk. The bastard who had tortured her had done his job well enough, Kaern knew. The blades through her wrists and ankles could easily have cut tendons or arteries, but had instead been placed with a surgical precision.