“See here—”
“Or do a meeting and take our lunch. Or we could all stay home and have a nice home-cooked meal.” The stranger’s bushy eyebrows went up and down in a suggestive manner.
Wanker was losing patience. “Are you or are you not Dr. Rufus T. Strangefinger?”
“My name is legion. Matter of fact, when I was in the Foreign Legion, I had a number of names. One of them was ‘Filthy Pierre.’”
“Are you or aren’t you Strangefinger?”
“Suh, ah have been called many things in mah time,” the man said in an accent that was a burlesque of Mr. Rhodes’.”
“Yes or no?”
“Suh, it simply is not that simple. Suh.”
“YES OR NO?” Wanker exploded.
“Well, since you put it that way — yes.”
Wanker exhaled. “Thank you. Now, just what the devil is this thing of yours, this new drive — what the hell was the name again?”
“You’re being coy, sir. Coy, very coy.” The eyebrows wiggled again.
“Look, Strangefinger, can we dispense with all this foolishness?”
At a brisk pace, Strangefinger began a spot inspection of the bridge, shoulders hunched forward, cigar pointing the way. “I always try to keep dispenses down. Speaking of money, can you lend me a hundred credits till payday?”
“Certainly not.”
“Then can you spare a coin for a poor orphan?”
“You’re an orphan?
“My father died before his time. The hangman showed up early. Hello, my dear.”
“Hello,” Darvona said with a smile.
“And you are dear to me, very dear.” Strangefinger sat in her lap.
“You’re very forward, sir.”
“Well, I’ll go forward and you go aft, and ne’er the twain shall meet. Except in the wee hours, at the full of the moon, when the wolfbane blooms.”
“Huh?”
Strangefinger slid off and dropped to his knees. “Oh, can’t you see what I’m trying to say? I love you.”
Darvona blushed.
“No, don’t say it. We’re from two different worlds. Your parents don’t approve of me. My dear, I’m afraid we’re doomed … doomed!’’
“No, we’re not.”
“Sure we are. Got any hemlock?”
“You’d die for me?” Darvona asked.
“No, but I’m willing to get very ill.”
Darvona suddenly shouted, “I LOVE YOU! TAKE ME NOW, NOW!” She dove on him.
They tussled on the deck before Strangefinger got the upper hand and pinned her.
“Boy, did I get a wrong number!” Strangefinger exclaimed.
“You said ‘I love you’ to the wrong person,” Sven Svensen told him. “Here, I’ll hold her till she calms down.”
“It’s all right, I’m a doctor.”
“No, I am the doctor!” said O’Gandhi, who had dropped out of the blow tube in the middle of the fracas.
“Doctor, you’ll have my complete confidence and none of my money,” Strangefinger said as he relinquished control of the supine and semiconscious Darvona.
Strangefinger rose to meet the withering stare of Captain Wanker.
“Dr. Strangefinger, I have a ship to command.”
“I’m still waiting for my ship to come in. When it does you can ship out.”
“You wouldn’t know a spaceship if one came up and ignored you,” Wanker scoffed.
“Au contraire,” countered Strangefinger, “I’m an old space hand. I used to cook meals on a freighter that hauled raw chocolate.”
Rhodes asked, “You were the cookie?”
Strangefinger’s eyebrows wriggled lewdly. “That’s right, I was the chocolate ship cookie. And a sweet job it was.”
Wanker was horrified. He appealed to everyone on the bridge. “What is with this guy?”
Rhodes said, “Sir, I think I can explain… ”
“Sun, ah protest. Ah protest in the most strenuous terms—”
Wanker clapped his hands over his ears. “Shut up! Shut up! Will everyone please for one minute shut the hell up!”
Strangefinger looked at Rhodes. “What’s eating him?”
“Don’t know, Doctor.”
“Well, whatever it is, he’s giving it indigestion.”
“QUIET!”
Wanker made a heroic effort to compose himself. “Look, Dr. Strangefinger. We both have jobs to do. Now, about this Proust Drive of yours. What the devil is it?”
“What the hell do you care?” the scientist shot back, then became suddenly conciliatory. “But I’ll tell you. It’s the invention of the century. It’s colossal, it’s stupendous. It cost a pile of money.”
“How much?”
“Sorry, that’s classified.”
“Well, how does it work?”
“Sorry, that’s also classified. Matter of fact, I ran the ad for a whole week and never got a nibble. I’ve been trying to unload this turkey for the longest time.”
“What’s it supposed to do?”
“I’ll tell you this, Captain. If it works, you’ll be out of a job.”
“Thank God! When?”
“Don’t be too eager. You’ll be walking the streets soon enough. Wait a minute. Didn’t I see you walking the streets last night? I know — you were the tall one in the magenta frock.”
“Oh, frock off.”
“Very funny, Captain, but I’m not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I’d never attack an unarmed man.”
Rhodes broke in, “Doctor, am I to understand that your mechanism is another attempt at supplanting a starship crew with an advanced computer system?”
“We’ve gone through so many of those,” Warner-Hillary said with a trace of bitterness. “They’re always trying to eliminate good honest working people.”
“And none of those systems has ever worked,” Rhodes pointed out.
Strangefinger shook his head. “I’m all for working people. Why, my record on labor issues is a hundred percent for other people working.”
“Then this Proust device isn’t an attempt at total automation?” Rhodes asked.
“No. It’s primarily two things: a radically new interstellar drive, and a cybernetic-bionic approach to starship systems control and command involving resonating positive and negative feedback loops in an environment of neural networking.” He bent over and whispered into Warner-Hillary’s ear. “Impressive, huh? Come to my cabin at midnight and well exchange dirty navigator stories.”
The young lieutenant giggled.
Rhodes persisted, “Which means exactly what, Dr. Strangefinger?”
“It means, my tall, gangling friend, that the Proust device will primarily replace two personnel aboard this ship. The captain and the technical officer. “
Strangefinger broke off and studied Sadowski, who was standing by his station, calmly observing events.
Strangefinger’s aside to the captain was: “Don’t look now, but your engineer is wearing a dress.”
“It’s okay,” Wanker said, “he’s Polish.”
“Well, that’s different. I was worried there for a moment. As I was saying, uh, regarding the engineer, the Proust device is a star drive and a complete engineering system. Regarding the captain … well, just about anything can replace a captain of a ship. All you need is a peg leg, a parrot, and a pillar of salt.”
“What about the radically new star drive?” Rhodes asked.
“Oh, that. Nothing big. Just instantaneous travel to anywhere in the universe.”
“Wow!”
“A trifle. That’s mostly theory right now, but even as the new drive is configured, we ought to be able to treble this ship’s cruising speed.”
“Wonderful!” Captain Wanker enthused. “I’m all for it. Please go install your device and leave me alone. You bore me.”
Strangefinger took the cigar from his mouth. “Sir, I take umbrage at that remark. But I’m a peaceable man, so it’s all water under the umbrage to me.” .