Suspicion was, of course, directed against me and my family, although we knew nothing of the matter.
Crowds gathered in Smithfield to see the sentence carried out. I was told that the screams of the victim were bloodcurdling.
The King was annoyed and sullen. He was clearly disturbed but he was thinking more and more of the possibility of a break with Rome. Strict laws were enforced against the clergy; and he stated publicly that some priests were only half Englishmen because they had taken an oath to the Pope. But still the months were passing without any action being taken.
Henry was disturbed further when Sir Thomas More resigned the Great Seal. He asked this through Norfolk, pleading ill health. I think he saw which way we were moving and he was a deeply religious man. Henry wanted the support of such a man who was highly respected; he had simple tastes, living happily in the heart of his devoted family. I heard that Norfolk had found him on one occasion in the chapel of his home in Chelsea, singing in the family choir. Norfolk had reproved him, saying that he dishonored the King and his office by parading as a parish clerk. More's reply had been disconcerting. He said he was serving God, the King's master. Ominous words, as it happened later.
It was just at this time that he resigned the Great Seal, and it was a clear indication of his thoughts.
At last there came a turn in our affairs.
What had irritated me most was to be in the palace with the King and to be made constantly aware of the Queen's presence, for, in spite of the relationship between them, Henry kept up appearances in public, and wherever he went on ceremonial occasions, the Queen was with him. This had stressed the fact that Katharine was still the Queen and that put me in the position of concubine. It was something I found intolerable and, I think, was largely responsible for my outbursts of temper.
Henry was becoming more and more anxious to be rid of her. If he was absent for a few days, she would write to him, behaving just as though there was no rift between them. Her attitude was one of tolerance, implying that he was momentarily straying but like a good and patient wife she would forgive him and in due course he would realize his mistake and return to her.
He would ensure no more of this, he said. He had been patient too long. He was going to ask her to retire from Windsor Castle. There was a place which had come to him from Wolsey. The Moor in Hertfordshire. She should take up her residence there. It was a command and she could not disobey his instructions; and now, with Katharine gone, I was in the position of Queen. Her apartments became mine. The people in the streets might cry their insults; it was different in Court circles. There, people must pay homage to me, for this move of Henry's was significant. It showed that his determination was as strong as ever.
He said to me: “We should wait no longer.”
I knew what that meant and I had to make a quick decision. I had always known that this moment must come. I had fought long enough. He had made his gesture by turning Katharine away from Court, which was tantamount to declaring that she was no longer the Queen, and if I was to be, how could I deny the King that which he had been passionately seeking for so long?
I was tortured by the decision I had to make. I was not a sensual woman and I did not look forward to the consummation with any pleasure. Perhaps it was due to my upbringing at the Court of France, when I was in the midst of such promiscuity that I acquired a distaste for it. My virginity had been my strength. What would happen if I lost it? Suppose I had relented all those years ago in the rose garden at Hever, where should I have been now? Cast off like my sister Mary, spoken of as una grandis-sima ribalda, as François had referred to her? So I had become well versed in the art of evasion. Heaven knew, I had had long enough practice with Henry, and even before that at the Court of France. I was avid for admiration; I knew that I had special attractions and I liked them to be appreciated. I liked to know that I was desired, and in that was the pleasure for me.
But I had come to the point when there could be no more hesitation. Since Henry had removed Katharine from Court, I was the Queen in all but fact; and if I were to attain that glittering role I must not take one false step now.
One fear haunted me. What if I submitted and he found the result not as satisfactory as he had hoped? For years he had longed for me—me only. Was I so much different from other women he had known? Oh, I knew I was in daylight…my clothes, my manners, my sudden moods, my intense delight in the joys of the moment, my ability to devise clever entertainments. Yes, I was different. But in sexual encounter how should I fare…I, a novice with no great enthusiasm for the game compared with doyennes of the art like my sister Mary. Experience made perfect and in this matter I was completely without that. He had dreamed so long of possessing me. What if I did not match his fantasies?
There was another possibility. Suppose I became pregnant? That could be a two-edged sword. I could say to him, “You must marry me at once or our child will be born out of wedlock.” That would never do for the heir to the throne. On the other hand, suppose I was barren? Well, a woman cannot expect to conceive immediately—though it was a possibility.
The matter was constantly on my mind; and then I decided that I could afford to wait no longer. The opposition was crumbling. Cromwell and Cranmer had “the right sows by the ears.” Henry was prepared to snap his fingers at the Pope and the Emperor and at the same time to break with the Church of Rome.
If ever there was a time, this must be it.
I must prepare for the occasion. As always at such times, I considered what I should wear. This would be one of the testing occasions of my life, and a great deal depended on my clothes. Clothes had always had an effect on me; they changed my moods. I often thought that whatever tragedy was about to befall I could never be completely unhappy if I were wearing a gown which lifted my spirits, and however pleased I was with life, I could not be completely so in a drab and ill-fitting garment.
So therefore, on this occasion, clothes would be all-important.
My nightgown should be made of black satin, lined with black taffeta, and this should be stiffened with buckram and lined with black velvet. I enjoyed designing it. I showed sketches to Henry. He was now so happy—like a bridegroom. He was affable to everyone. I said, “You must not give away our secret,” and we laughed together.
We even talked about my coronation.
“This Cromwell is a man of ideas,” he said. “I welcome him. I wish I could like him better. I always want to cuff him … then I remember his uses.”
But he did not want to talk of Cromwell for long. We were like two lovers planning our honeymoon. Henry thought we should pay a visit to François. “He has been our good friend over this matter,” he said.
I knew that François wanted to woo Henry from the Emperor. It was all part of the power struggle. And I should like to see the French Court again.
The nightdress was very costly. The price was £10.15s.8d., and there was a cloak with it edged with velvet and lined with Bruges satin which was almost as costly as the gown, being over £9.
An extravagant garment. But it was for a very important occasion, and the bills were settled by the Treasury, together with many more, for if I was going to France, I should need a new wardrobe and, knowing the French, it must be of very special elegance.
So I tried not to think of the night and gave myself up to the joys of discussions with the seamstress and being fitted and making suggestions—while I waited with trepidation.
We were to sup together.
I wore the black nightdress and the cloak that went with it. I had chosen wisely, although I had hesitated to wear black because of my darkness—red being the color which set it off to perfection. But the low-cut bodice, exposing so much white flesh, was alluring.