She drew him to her and held him tight, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. For the first time, his arms encircled her.
‘ Thanks,’ he breathed into her ear, lips nearly brushing her lobe.
A shiver zipped down her spine and finished somewhere between her legs.
He was all over the place, his mind racing here and there as everything poured out. Danny sat there quietly, listening and nodding in the appropriate places, making occasional comments, asking a question now and again.
‘ I couldn’t believe what was happening to me,’ he stated forcefully. ‘I’m not sure, even now, that I believe it has happened to me, though I know it has. It’s like a dream — a nightmare.’
‘ I can imagine,’ Danny responded softly.
Henry had a vodka on ice in his hand. He was sitting on the settee, jacket and tie discarded, cuffs unfastened, sleeves rolled up, shoes pushed off. He’d had a quick face wash and looked fresher, more with it.
‘ I’ve dealt with dozens of rape victims,’ he continued, the level of his voice monotone and, at that moment, unemotional. ‘All female and — curse me if you want — but I always had the thought at the back of my mind: Why did you let it happen? Why didn’t you just keep your legs closed tight? What stupid, naive thinking that was. There is no choice in the matter. It’s death or rape and it really does mean death, doesn’t it?’ He sipped his cold, Russian spirit. ‘At the time I didn’t want to die… but now I wish I had.’
He closed his eyes and fought against hyperventilation.
Danny, on the other end of the settee, glass of wine in hand, reached across and touched him.
‘ I’m OK,’ he said, opening his eyes. ‘Honest.’
‘ There I was, strapped to a bloody Black and Decker Workmate. I mean, talk about DIY! That’s taking it to the extremes, isn’t it?’ He laughed without humour. Danny could not find it in herself to raise even a false smile. She was visualising the scene, repulsed and frightened by the thought of it. ‘And the bastard stood right next to me and showed me exactly what he was going to shove into me. Rock hard, ugly. He pushed it into my face. It was damp. I thought… he was going to make me give him a blow job. I would’ve spewed up if he had, but he just wafted it about and slid it across my face and over my lips… I can still smell it, taste it… then he went behind me…’
‘ I feel so dirty, so unclean. I can’t get it off myself, the smell- it’s still clinging there. I utterly despise myself for letting it happen… how could I let it happen, Danny?’ he cried plaintively. ‘I should have stopped him. I’m a man, for God’s sake.’ He shook his head sadly, constantly re-thinking the night.
‘ You mustn’t punish yourself for this, Henry. Like you said, there was no other choice, no decision, except to live. You were overpowered and it was against your will. Don’t blame yourself.’
‘ But I do, I do. I’m so fucking ashamed.’
‘ Another thing is, y’know? Me and sex. I mean, Christ, he rubbed his dick all over my face, his penis, dirty, smelly… and I think, God, is that what men are really like? Is that what it’s like for a woman? To have that shoved in? To have to hold it, to suck it, just because a man wants it to happen? Am I going to have a hang-up about sex for the rest of my life?’
‘… God, everyone getting to know about it. What’s that going to be like for me? I can just see people’s faces, their sniggers, their talking behind my back. "Got well buggered, he did. What sort of a man is he?" They’ll despise me… they won’t know what to say to me, they’ll laugh and I won’t ever get treated seriously again. The implications completely fuck me up inside.’
Henry stared hard at Danny. ‘My mind whizzes round and I wonder how the hell they found out I was a cop. Somebody must have bubbled me! I have my suspicions… but they can’t be right. Nahh… one cop wouldn’t do that to another, surely? Just because I said I’d go for him.’
‘ What are you talking about, Henry?’
‘ Detective Superintendent Rupert Davison.’
Danny frowned. ‘You mean the Rupert Davison?’
‘ One and the same. That dickhead of a PC as was. Now a GMP Superintendent.’
‘ Bloody hell!’ Danny blurted. ‘He once asked me to sleep with him. I refused, of course.’
Another class product of the fast track — but even so, it seems absurd he would have gone to the lengths of… Christ, I was going to say “shafting me”… of putting my life in danger.’
‘ I wouldn’t put it past him,’ Danny said darkly, recalling the immature PC who, if dismissal procedures had been anything like proper and effective, should have been out on his ear years ago. But that was one of the main causes of malaise in the police service: it was virtually impossible to sack someone once they had completed their probation. Many unsuitable people, therefore, went on to become unsuitable managers and high-rankers.
But Henry could not believe that Davison would have fed him to the wolves. It was far more likely to have been Billy Crane who had recognised him and then warned Thompson and Elphick.
‘ It’s been good for me, this, Danny.’ Henry breathed out. He had been talking for three-quarters of an hour. ‘Thanks — I needed it. I’m just sorry it had to be you.’
‘ I’m not sorry, but I do need to ask you something.’
‘ Go on, fire away.’
‘ Why haven’t you talked to Kate about it?’
The question stumped Henry. He was silent for a few moments, then: ‘I love the girls, I really do. They mean everything to me. I’d die for them without hesitation.’ He sighed through his nose. ‘But as for Kate… I don’t know any more. She’s a really good wife. Ugh! I hope that doesn’t sound patronising, but she is. But there’s something not right any more. Over the last few months we seem to have drifted slowly away from each other. We hardly speak, other than in monosyllables. We never even sit down to watch TV together. Hardly ever make love…
‘ I feel as if I’ve fallen out of love with her, and other than for the kids, I don’t feel like going home any more. I’ve been off sick nearly two weeks and it’s been crap at home. I’ve just avoided her.’ He sighed.
‘ I know she suffered a few years ago — when she herself got raped — and I suppose that should give us some common ground. I just don’t want to tell her, though. I haven’t told anyone but you, and that counsellor I saw down at Occupational Health. No one in the job knows, though like I said, Terry has an idea. Thank Christ he turned up when he did. That bastard Gunk was going to kill me. He’d threatened to stick a knife in my anus…’ Henry shuddered, ‘but he panicked when he heard Terry’s van coming back. No, I’ve just told people I got bubbled and that was why I pulled out of the U/C job — because I’d been compromised.’
There was a pause, then Henry regained eye-contact with Danny. ‘I don’t know if all that answers your question. It sounded like a jumbled mess to me, like all I’ve been saying. Did it make sense, or what?’
It was 2 a.m. Henry and Danny stood in her hallway. Henry was preparing to go, jacket in one hand, rolling his shirt-sleeves down with the other. They stood by the front door, facing each other.
‘ Thanks again.’
‘ No problem. Are you sure you won’t let me call a taxi? It’s a long way on foot to your house, and you’re not going to drive, are you?’
‘ No.’ His car was outside the house. He had already driven there having had a few drinks and with the amount of alcohol he’d imbibed since, he would have been well over the limit, although he was not drunk. It was a risk he wasn’t about to take. There were too many uniformed PCs who would have liked the scalp of a DI on their belt. ‘The walk’ll clear my head.’
‘ I’ll pick you up in the morning.’
‘ Thanks.’ He reached for the door handle, bobbing down quickly and kissing Danny lightly on the cheek. Instead of pulling away immediately, he hovered longer than was necessary, inhaling the aroma of her body. She gasped.