‘You want some grub?’ The voice was almost a whisper.
Rincewind looked around. A little way off was the hole from which last night’s supper had been dug. Apart from that, there was nothing all the way to the infinite horizon but scrubby bushes and hot red rocks.
‘I think I dug up most of them,’ he said, weakly.
‘Nah, mate. I got to tell you the secret of findin’ tucker in the bush. There’s always a beaut feed if you know where to look, mate.’
‘How come you’re speaking my language, mystery voice?’ said Rincewind.
‘I ain’t,’ said the voice. ‘You’re listenin’ to mine. Got to feed you up proper. Gonna sing you into a real bush-tucker finder, true.’
‘Lovely grub,’ said Rincewind.
‘Just you stand there and don’t move.’
It sounded as though the unseen voice then began to chant very quietly through an unseen nose.
Rincewind was, after all, a wizard. Not a good one, but he was sensitive to magic. And the chant was doing strange things.
The hairs on the back of his hands tried to crawl up his arms, and the back of his neck began to sweat. His ears popped and, very gently, the landscape began to spin around him.
He looked down at the ground. There were his feet. Almost certainly his feet. And they were standing on the red earth and not moving at all. Things were moving round him. He wasn’t dizzy but, by the look of it, the landscape was.
The chanting stopped. There was a sort of echo, which seemed to happen inside his head, as if the words had been merely the shadow of something more important.
Rincewind shut his eyes for a while, and then opened them again.
‘Er … fine,’ he said. ‘Very … catchy.’
He couldn’t see the speaker, so he spoke with that careful politeness you reserve for someone armed who is probably standing behind you.
He turned. ‘I expect you … er … had to go somewhere, did you?’ he said, to the empty air.
‘Er … hello?’
Even the insects had gone quiet.
‘Er … you haven’t noticed a box walking around on legs, have you? By any chance?’
He tried to see if anyone could possibly be hiding behind a bush.
‘It’s not important, it’s just that it’s got my clean underwear in it.’
The boundless silence made an eloquent statement about the universe’s views on clean underwear.
‘So … er … I’m going to know how to find food in the bush, right?’ he ventured. He glared at the nearest trees. They didn’t look any more fruitful than before. He shrugged.
‘What a strange person.’
He edged over to a flat stone and, with a stick raised in case of resistance from anything below, pulled it up.
There was a chicken sandwich underneath.
It tasted rather like chicken.
A little way away, behind the rocks near the waterhole, a drawing faded into the stone.
This was another desert, elsewhere. No matter where you were, this place would always be elsewhere. It was one of those places further than any conceivable journey, but possibly as close as the far side of a mirror, or just a breath away.
There was no sun in the sky here, unless the whole sky was sun — it glowed yellow. The desert underfoot was still red sand, but hot enough to burn.
A crude drawing of a man appeared on a rock. Gradually, layer by layer, it got more complex, as if the unseen hand was trying to draw bones and organs and a nervous system and a soul.
And he stepped on to the sand and put down his bag which, here, seemed a lot heavier. He stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles.
At least here he could talk normally. He daren’t raise his voice down there in the shadow world, lest he raise mountains as well.
He said a word which, on the other side of the rock, would have shaken trees and created meadows. It meant, in the true language of things which the old man spoke, something like: Trickster. A creature like him appears in many belief systems, although the jolly name can be misleading. Tricksters have that robust sense of humour that puts a landmine under a seat cushion for a bit of a laugh.
A black and white bird appeared, and perched on his head.
‘You know what to do,’ said the old man.
‘Him? What a wonga,’ said the bird. ‘I’ve been lookin’ at him. He’s not even heroic. He’s just in the right place at the right time.’
The old man indicated that this was maybe the definition of a hero.
‘All right, but why not go and get the thing yerself?’ said the bird.
‘You’ve gotta have heroes,’ said the old man.
‘And I suppose I’ll have to help,’ said the bird. It sniffed, which is quite hard to do through a beak.
‘Yep. Off you go.’
The bird shrugged, which is easy to do if you have wings, and flew down off the old man’s head. It didn’t land on the rock but flew into it; for a moment there was a drawing of a bird, and then it faded.
Creators aren’t gods. They make places, which is quite hard. It’s men that make gods. This explains a lot.
The old man sat down and waited.
Confront a wizard with the concept of a bathing suit and he’ll start to get nervous. Why does it have to be so skimpy? he’ll ask. Where can I put the gold embroidery? How can you have any kind of costume without at least forty useful pockets? And occult symbols made out of sequins? There appears to be no place for them. And where, when you get right down to it, are the lapels?
There is also the concept of acreage. It is vitally important that as large an amount of wizard as possible is covered, so that timid people and horses are not frightened. There may be strapping young wizards with copper-coloured skins and muscles as solid as a plank, but not after sixty years of UU dinners. It gives senior wizards what they think is called gravitas but is more accurately called gravity.
Also, it takes heavy machinery to part a wizard from his pointy hat.
The Chair of Indefinite Studies looked sidelong at the Dean. They both wore a variety of garments, in which red and white stripes predominated.
‘Last one into the water’s a man standing all by himself on the beach!’ he shouted.[10]
Out on a point of rock, surf washing over his bare feet, Mustrum Ridcully lit his pipe and cast a line on the end of which was such a fearsome array of spinners and weights that any fish it didn’t hook it might successfully bludgeon.
The change of scenery seemed to be working on the Librarian. Within a few minutes of being laid in the sunlight he’d sneezed himself back into his old shape, and he now sat on the beach with a blanket around him and a fern leaf on his head.
It was, indeed, a lovely day. It was warm, the sea murmured beautifully, the wind whispered in the trees. The Librarian knew he ought to be feeling better, but, instead, he was beginning to feel extremely uneasy.
He stared around him. The Lecturer in Recent Runes had gone to sleep with his book carefully shading his eyes. It had originally been entitled Principles of Thaumic Propagation but, because of the action of the sunlight and some specialized high-frequency vibrations from the sand granules on the beach, the words on the cover now read The Omega Conspiracy.[11]
In the middle distance was the window. It hung in the air, a simple square into a shadowy room. The Archchancellor hadn’t trusted the window catch and had propped up the window with a piece of wood. A warning label pinned to it showed that some thought had gone into the wording: ‘Do not remove this wood. Not even to see what happens. IMPORTANT!’
10
Wizards also enjoy a bit of fun but never have much of a chance to develop the appropriate vocabulary.
11
This isn’t magic. It is a simple universal law. People always expect to use a holiday in the sun as an opportunity to read those books they’ve always meant to read, but an alchemical combination of sun, quartz crystals and coconut oil will somehow metamorphose any improving book into a rather thicker one