HIS WIFE That’s an evening ruined, and no mistake. We should have stayed in, but no, you always have to go out—
INTELLECTUAL I’m amazed at your egoism, I’d never have thought you could be so totally lacking in social awareness.
HIS WIFE You think I’m not interested? Of course I’m interested. There’s no point eating in the Volksgarten if there’s to be no music anyway. We might as well go straight to Hartmann’s—
INTELLECTUAL All you think of is food! At a time like this, who cares — they’ll pull out all the stops — wait and see.
HIS WIFE As long as we get a place where we can see.
INTELLECTUAL It’ll be a funeral there’s never been the like of before! I still remember Crown Prince Rudolph’s — (Exeunt.)
POLDI FESCH (to his companion) We’re out on the town tonight — yesterday I was out partying with the Sascha Film people, tomorrow I’m bingeing with — (Exeunt.)
POLICEMAN Keep to the left, please! To the left!
NEWSPAPER VENDOR Reichspost! Second edi-shun! Heir to the throne and his wife assassinated!
PETTY BOURGEOIS Live and let live! Of course, for the man in the street the Archduke wasn’t the right type. And I’ll tell you why. Your ordinary Viennese is used to doing things his own way, that’s why. But He, on the other hand — Hadrawa spotted Him once — incognito, of course — paying a taxi fare and tipping, just like you or me, but — here’s the thing — not a groschen more.
SECOND PETTY BOURGEOIS Go on!
PETTY BOURGEOIS And even in the posh stores he never paid over the odds. Not him! Do you think he would let the likes of us put one over on him? He’d have sorted us out! After all, how are we to survive? He didn’t miss a trick. You can bet your life! It’s all a matter of temperament. Live and let live, I say, or die in the attempt. And for why? The man in the street—
NEWS VENDOR Ex-tra-aaedi-shun—!
PETTY BOURGEOIS Let’s have one. How much?
NEWS VENDOR Ten cents.
PETTY BOURGEOIS For this bilge! Extortionate! And nothing but empty waffle. Hey — look at that girl, neat, eh? Look at the curves! Leaves my old lady standing — no comparison!
SECOND PETTY BOURGEOIS Get a grip! She’s a protestute!
PETTY BOURGEOIS Look, there’s a crowd outside the Hotel Bristol, let’s go and see. Must be some celebrity. (Exeunt.)
POLICEMAN Keep to the left, please, to the left!
REPORTER (to companion) Here we can really put our finger on the pulse of public opinion. Look, the news had spread like wildfire across the boulevard, wave upon wave. All at once the merry hustle and bustle which ordinarily fills the air at this hour was silenced. On every face one read despondency, a sense of utter shock, above all a numb sadness. Complete strangers addressing one another, people forming little groups and scrambling for the extra editions—
SECOND REPORTER Here’s how I would put it: Under the trees lining the Ringstrasse you could see groups of people who wanted to be part of the action, discussing what had happened. Policemen dispersed the groups, declaring they would not permit any further gatherings. Whereupon groups began to converge, and became a dense and impressive mass — look, over there!
(An altercation between a cabby and his passenger in front of the Hotel Bristol, passersby take sides, boos, and cries of “Shame!”)
NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aaedi-shun—! Heir to throne and consort murdered by conspirators!
CABBY But surely, on a day like this, your honour—!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 2
Café Pucher. The same evening shortly before midnight. The coffeehouse is almost empty; only two tables occupied. At one, a senior Bankverein official has just sat down. At the other, two bald-headed gentlemen, each smoking a cigar with card mouthpiece, immersed in the comic magazines. The girl at the till is asleep. A waiter waves his napkin in front of her face as a joke. Another is being chased out of the kitchen by the coffee-chef brandishing a dishcloth, at which the cook and headwaiter start to laugh.
HEADWAITER EDUARD Where d’you think you are — in some corner café? Shame on you! The ministers are reading, shame on you, and Fräulein Paula’s trying to sleep!
BANKER Hey, you!
EDUARD Herr von Geiringer?
BANKER A Trabucco and the extra edition!
EDUARD (takes a box of cigars and the paper from his inside coat pocket and says) A nice Trabucco and something to raise the spirits!
BANKER Was nobody in tonight? Why’s it so dead? Not even Dr. Gomperz?
EDUARD No one, Herr von Geiringer.
BANKER Nobody telephoned?
EDUARD No, nobody yet. At least, with this fine weather — it may be that over the holiday the gentlemen are out of town—
BANKER What holiday is it today?
EDUARD Peter and Paul, Herr von Geiringer.
(While the two continue their conversation, a stranger has come in. He sits at a table facing the two older gentlemen. A waiter brings coffee.)
STRANGER Waiter, who are the two gentlemen there, they look very familiar—
FRANZ (bending over) That’s the ministers’ regular table. The gentleman with the pince-nez, the one reading the Kleine Witzblatt, that’s His Excellency the Minister of the Interior, and the gentleman with the pince-nez studying Pschütt, that’s His Excellency the Prime Minister.
STRANGER Really! And are they only here on account of what’s happened, or are they regulars?
FRANZ Almost every evening. Their Excellencies are — essentially — bachelors, you see.
STRANGER Really! And who is the gentleman who’s just joined them?
FRANZ Ah, is he there already — that’s His Excellency the Head of the Cabinet Office.
STRANGER Really!
(Franz rushes off and brings the Head of the Cabinet Office a lemonade and the Interessante Blatt. After a pause:)
PRIME MINISTER (putting down the caricatures in Pschütt) Nothing special today.
MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR (yawns and says) Boring!
PRIME MINISTER Days like this really drag on!
HEAD OF CABINET OFFICE The dog days are on us.
PRIME MINISTER (after a reflective pause) I think we might need to issue a communiqué after all. Given the measures the government envisages in light of the situation created by recent events, and after exhaustive discussion by the assembled cabinet members etcetera, etcetera.
MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR Where feasible.
PRIME MINISTER Eduard!
MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR So what measures shall we take?
PRIME MINISTER That will depend on the communiqué. Eduard!
EDUARD Excellency?
PRIME MINISTER Aren’t there any new ones today? Bring the — what’s it called?
EDUARD (searching among the comic magazines on the table) Is something missing, Excellency? You’re right!
(He goes to the newspaper shelves. Meanwhile the Banker crosses to the Ministers’ table, where the Minister of the Interior has stood up, and engages him in conversation. Eduard beckons to the waiter Franz, who has just been chased from the kitchen with a dishcloth and is starting to wave his napkin in the sleeping till-girl’s face.)
EDUARD Are you still at it? Like you’re in some corner café? Shame on you! (He continues searching on the newspaper shelves.) What have you done with the illustrateds — yet again! The Bombe for the ministers’ table!