AUSTRIAN COLONEL (wakes up) What’s up—
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL Nothing! (Laughter.)
SECOND-LIEUTENANT (shouting across the table) Hey, Windischgraetz — what were you playing with Schlesinger today — bridge or baccarat?
CAPTAIN OF HORSE —Oh give over, the press coverage was in its heyday at the start, when they still had a Roda Roda — now there’s nothing.
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL (prods him) Shush, but look at those two Jew-boys! (Aloud.) Y’know, I think Schalek’s stuff is first-rate — very instructive! — she’s coming out to us next week — above all, isn’t she courageous — even the enemy would concede that!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE (prods him) Shush, that’ll annoy ’em even more! (Aloud.) Y’know, that Roda Roda, he knew how to capture a military situation in a sentence — for example — I’ll never forget — when he wrote: “You’ll hardly need your overcoat any more”, said the lieutenant, as he had the Serbian Orthodox priest tied to the Uhlan’s stirrup. End of story.
LIEUTENANT Very good, but why did that make such an impression?
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Idiot — can’t you guess who the lieutenant was? Me!
LIEUTENANT Really! — What had he done, then?
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Oh, subversive activities or whatever. Had a red nose — a sure sign! He was certainly one of them!
LIEUTENANT (to another who is sitting in a daze) Hey — what’r’you thinking about? You thinker!
ANOTHER LIEUTENANT Y’know, I was just thinking — at this very moment, if only we were back home on the Ring—. Here you just sit around—
LIEUTENANT Yep — me too.
PRUSSIAN LIEUTENANT —No, no, you people shouldn’t bother me with that, you’ll get your victorious peace without my help — I’ve got to go to Berlin next week. For the Heroes Memorial Horse Races.
SECOND PRUSSIAN LIEUTENANT Why think of tomorrow at a time like this? What we need is a few bottles more, so we have enough ballast to collapse into bed. Back home those idle bastards have mucked everything up—
CAPTAIN OF HORSE I don’t fancy home leave either, thanks very much! Oh, no — into a land flowing with swedes and stale bread! (Laughter) — No, thank you!
CAPTAIN Hold on, Reischl, you’ve no appetite for the front either! (Laughter.)
CAPTAIN OF HORSE You’re one to talk, shirker-in-chief!
SECOND PRUSSIAN LIEUTENANT One of the worst things at the front is the jam, day after day.
FIRST PRUSSIAN LIEUTENANT And the heroes’ butter is all gone, too. In Russia our boys are really up against it now. In one sector they’ve got cholera — no joke. All because the men drank from a pond that had Russian corpses in it.
CAPTAIN OF HORSE That’s not my poison, I need champagne! (Peals of laughter.)
SECOND PRUSSIAN LIEUTENANT —Sure, you Austrians know how to cook, but compare that with what we had for lunch in Bad Homburg — the Kaiser’s favourite watering hole, look (he produces the menu): beef broth — chicken vol-au-vent — fried Rhine fish with remoulade sauce — casserole of pheasant — saddle of spring lamb with home-made Halberstädt sausages — leg of mutton with haricot beans and artichoke bottoms — asparagus with cream dip — Niersteiner Auflanger from the mess in Duisburg — sparkling Kupferberg-Gold — bombe glacée — fruit compote — cheese straws! Yes indeed! No comparison! (Cries of “Oho!”)
PRUSSIAN COLONEL —Say, boys, that famous Royal and Imperial Court Ballet of yours — did you get a visit from them?
GENERAL Yes — and next week there’ll be a cabaret — really hot stuff!
FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT That’s my work, Colonel!
SECOND WAR CORRESPONDENT What’d’you mean? I was the one suggested it!
LIEUTENANT —No, no, it was at the seventh Battle of Isonzo, remember, when Sascha was out here—
ANOTHER LIEUTENANT —The colonel’s getting worked up about the noise from the guns. He can’t get to sleep at night. The previous quarters were better. I always said this was a bad location. It’ll be another one of those nights tonight! Nothing will happen, but the noise at night is intolerable. (Loud detonation.)
ARTILLERY OFFICER That was a big bazooka!
LIEUTENANT —Scharinger of the Eleventh? Lucky sod! They’ve put him up for—
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Talk about fun-boobies (gestures) out — standing!
LIEUTENANT Yes, but y’know who I have lined up—! a real knockout—!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Champion skirt chaser that you are! In the last Muskete—
MAJOR Here’s to our quartermaster! (Cheering. Clinking of glasses.)
MAJOR-GENERAL Ah yes, the good old purser! Doing a good job! Twelve courses — you have to take your hat off to that! (Toasts him.)
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Well, I’ve let the law take its course before, but 12 courses! (Laughter.) I can only say — your health, Quartermaster!
MAJOR Say, heard anything of Haschka?
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Haschka! The same as ever. Hard at it—!
MAJOR But he can’t still be working for Stöger-Steiner at the Ministry? There surely can’t be that much that needs doing anymore!
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Yes, time marches on. But Haschka is one hell of a character. Still has the same fixation. He puts off the death sentence until the soup course is finished. He looks at the time, jumps up, says they should put the roast on hold — then, boom-boom, they’re in the billiard room for the verdict. His most memorable case was with the march formation units of the Fifteenth Corps, y’know, at Wocheiner-Feistritz. There were a couple of those human rights wimps, holding up progress — saying “simply not acceptable”—just because Stöger-Steiner ordered it — well, they had to be made an example of.
MAJOR Politically unreliable?
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR No, no — it’s a famous case. A fellow stole a wallet, and in the guard room they put the wind up him — that he’d get shot for it. The fellow does a bunk — in a funk! Well, says Haschka, even if it’s not clear-cut desertion, since he only did it because he was afraid — still, he has to be made an example of. Because Stöger-Steiner is all for that, naturally. — Well, the human rights wimps get on their high horse! And after that, they don’t convict him! What d’you say to that! Scandalous! Regulars, too!
MAJOR (perplexed) Regulars—?
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Yes, that too! But look — I’ve had cases myself where, even with self-inflicted injuries, they’ve tried to extricate the bugger. I ask you — regulars! Who’ve voluntarily donned the Emperor’s uniform! Should be kicked out! These subversive ideas have even started to penetrate our own circles.
MAJOR What d’you expect, even in the front line they’re already stirring up trouble among the troops. Well — lips sealed, mustn’t generalize, fortunately spirits are still intact. — Anyway, what happened then?
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Well, he had to promise them — Haschka, on record — that the fellow gets pardoned, provided they find him guilty. But Haschka, the sly bastard, when it comes to the bit, doesn’t let on what’s on record — so, naturally, the sentence is carried out on the spot. Y’know, we’ve set many an example, too — but an execution like that — all you can say is: hat’s off! Yes, Haschka is something special.
MAJOR Y’know, those human rights wimps — I’ve had a bellyful of them. I see red if I so much as get a whiff of one. Rebel against Stöger-Steiner! In one case General Tersztszyansky applied rough justice. Or rather, no justice at all!