SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR What d’you mean?
MAJOR Well, another of those human rights wimps — one of your peers—
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Hey, don’t go casting aspersions on me!
MAJOR Oh go on, only pulling your leg. Anyhow, listen — he refuses to treat this fellow summarily according to martial law. Says it’s a simple disciplinary case, no names no pack drill. Well, in comes Tersztszyansky, into the mess, starts on his soup — and I’ve never seen Tersztszyansky so quiet before! — and says, Captain, he says to the prosecutor, no further need of any trial for your delinquent. Why’s that, the other asks. There he is out in the garden, have a look — there he lies. Tersztszyansky had simply told the sergeant to take him out, with his bayonet, and — squelch! Just because he was mad at him for being so obstinate.
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Mad at the fellow?
MAJOR No, no — mad at the prosecutor!
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Oh, of course. Tell me — I was in an argument the other day — Tersztszyansky’s an honorary Doctor of Philosophy — isn’t he?
MAJOR I think you’re right. Incidentally, what about Stanzl in the Telegraph Regiment, what’s he up to? Still in Albania? I heard they want to send him to Feldkirch to do something a bit more elevated.
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR Some chance! He’s up to his eyes in things in Albania! But that Hungarian judge, Balogh — y’know, in Kossovo-Mitrovica—
MAJOR Oh yes, right, there was some story I heard about an execution with teeth being extracted or something—
SENIOR MILITARY PROSECUTOR That’s just gossip. It’s unbelievable the way that fellow gets slandered — I was just about to tell you. It’s the most harmless story imaginable. It’s all because he had to hang a 16-year-old for being a Macedonian rebel. So he says to the doctor, see if the lad’s got a wisdom tooth yet. Yes, says the doctor. So he just wrote “20 years old”—and strung ’im up. After going to the trouble of checking with the doctor. That was his mistake — that’s how it came out. And after, when he got a reprimand from Supreme Headquarters, that’s when all the gossip began. Well — between ourselves — in cases involving experienced officers, Headquarters didn’t use to dish out reprimands! Simply add a year or two to the age, no one would say a thing.
MAJOR It’s a mystery to me, too. In our division — great God, weren’t those the days! — when Peter Ferdinand had more of a free hand — they once bet — y’know, His Imperial Highness and Prince von Parma, the chief of staff — whether when 14-year-olds were executed there would be a — what was it the doctor called it — some funny word—
REGIMENTAL DOCTOR Aha, ejaculatio seminis—a spontaneous ejaculation! (Laughter.)
MAJOR That’s it, of course! Oh that was interesting. It all was — in those days!
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Executing 14-year-olds — do they have a right to do that? (Laughter.)
MAJOR My dear Chief Commissary, it is wartime, comprendez-vous? No names no pack drill! Eh? In the 92nd, guys who took conserves from the iron rations used to be tied to the barbed wire outside, so the Russians could shoot ’em—
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Well, if they’d taken iron rations—
MAJOR My motto is: war is not just against the enemy, your own side should feel its effects as well! My, oh my! Once we were all made to turn out for an execution. Well, this woman who was supplying butter to the staff mess had to wait a bit — so, they told her just to line up with the others — well, she got strung up as well! (Peals of laughter). But — no, wait — it’s no laughing matter — everyone makes mistakes — it can easily happen — among the lower ranks! She simply joined the wrong bloody line. And that was that. Still — happy days! When Weiskirchner came to visit us and the Deutschmeister, they ordered a lively salute from the cannons in his honour — ah, yes! And they had the 30.5-cm mortar shoot at some peasants out ploughing — ah, yes! And—
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER But why—?
MAJOR Because an archduke was visiting, of course! — but my dear judge, even if you twist my arm, I can’t remember which one it was — I imagine so he could convince himself of the accuracy of their fire. And he did say he was impressed! In the most affable way — ah, so it must have been Josef Ferdinand, yes! — But y’know, I’ve always wanted to ask you — you had that case in Kragujevac with the 44th. Didn’t you have a spot of bother there — (the band strikes up “Let’s Crack Another Bottle o’ Wine, Hollodrioh!” The officers sing “and then one more for auld lang syne, hollodrioh!” Lieutenant of Hussars Lakkati throws a champagne glass against the wall.)
CHIEF PROSECUTOR And how! That was a binge and a half! It’s really incredible the amount they can knock back. Y’know, I could’ve had 300 executed! We simply can’t tolerate such excesses of drunkenness. I made an exception and granted them an honourable death — the firing squad.
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER (butts in on the conversation) That rabble is always drunk. But at least that’s when they give away what they’re really thinking. There’s not as much needs doing now as in 1914, though. Y’know, judge, once I accompanied a transport of the 28th from Prague to Serbia. I had a funny feeling right from the start! Sure enough — just past Marchegg it flares up. The men dig their heels in, start to complain to the NCOs because they’re being sent against the Serbs, those bandits! But again they landed on the wrong bloody side! Nice an’ easy, we got them all unloaded, took 25 of them and stuck them in a special railway truck. Room for 40—so, every comfort! Then, every hour or so we stopped in open country, then an NCO patrol extracted three men each time and stuck them in the truck at the back of the train. Then — off we go again! Two minutes later — rrrtsch (gesture of mowing down) rubbed out! Every time three new ones were pulled out, y’should have seen their faces. Always in threes — one lot after the other. The last one all by himself. The brute! By the time we reached the terminal in Budapest, all 25 had been neatly finished off. That last truck — when they uncoupled it — what a sight! Great guns! A clean sweep! Riddled with bullets, like a sieve — spot-on! — and buckets of blood—
CHIEF PROSECUTOR Should have taken a photo. Good job y’did there!
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER I was only doing my duty. The colonel had said: set an example. But compared with Captain Wild, it was nothing.
MAJOR Ah, Wild!
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER It’s Ukrainians he has it in for. He sent me his picture postcards yesterday — of four strung up and him in the middle. What a dashing devil!
CHIEF PROSECUTOR Ah, Wild!
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER But compared with Captain Prasch, even Wild is nothing! There’s your perfect front-line officer! The things he’s done with his own bare hands—
PRUSSIAN COLONEL —What was that dish called again? Sow Dance? What a song and dance you make with words! To die for, the weird names you give to things! You Austrians—! But unfortunately there’s no escaping the fact you don’t take life seriously enough. Which is essential — for war is a steel bath! Since your old Emperor passed away, chivalrous gentleman that he was, things have rather gone to pot. Not so disciplined any more, no backbone, more’s the pity! So, what’s the red devil going on about over there?
GÉZA VON LAKKATI DE NÉMESFALVA ET KUTJAFELEGFALUSZÉG (speaking with a Hungarian lilt to a group) — Well — I see straight away, dung on hoof. Blighter says, hooves were clean, must happen on way from stable! No! I take my sabre — scrape dung off hoof — and smear it over swine’s mouth. (Laughter. Cries of: “Bravo!”) Yes, is a — is a — a reservist puppy standing there — butts in — I say damned dog, he go before tribunal! He soon see what what! (Cries of “Bravo!”)