GRUMBLER Yes, but we’re not at the—
CAPTAIN There’s a war on! Basta! (The car drives on.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 4
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST You can think yourself lucky. In Styria they shot a Red Cross nurse when her car didn’t stop for a couple of yards.
GRUMBLER Power has been given to pigmies. It goes against their nature.
OPTIMIST Unfortunately, there will always be unavoidable overreactions by subordinate elements in wartime. But at such times everything must be subordinated to a single goaclass="underline" victory.
GRUMBLER The power conferred on pigmies will not be sufficient to finish off the enemy, but it will be enough to finish off this country.
OPTIMIST Militarism signifies more power for the state through armed force—
GRUMBLER —which leads to the final dissolution of the state by the same means. In wartime, everyone pulls rank on everyone else. The military pulls rank on the government, which sees no way to escape such unnatural coercion except through becoming corrupt. If the statesman allows himself to be ruled by the military, he has succumbed to a fairytale fascination with heroes whose time is long past. To allow such fantasies to determine matters of life and death in modern times will be disastrous. Letting the military rule is like setting the fox to keep the geese, or turning the gamekeeper into the poacher.
OPTIMIST I don’t know how you can justify such a gloomy prognosis. You seem to be doing what you always did in peacetime, generalizing from unavoidable side effects. You take some minor irritations and treat them as symptoms. This is an age of grandeur, yet all you do is quibble about trifles.
GRUMBLER But such trifles will grow with the times!
OPTIMIST Living at a time when such momentous things are happening will inspire even the least of us.
GRUMBLER The little thieves that have not yet been hanged will become big thieves and go scot-free.
OPTIMIST What even the least of us will gain from the war is—
GRUMBLER —his cut. He’ll hold up his hand and point to scars he doesn’t have.
OPTIMIST Just as the state gains honour by taking up this unavoidable, defensive war to uphold its prestige, so too does every individual, and the blood now shed will bring forth—
GRUMBLER —filth.
OPTIMIST Yes, you have always seen filth everywhere, but now you sense that your time is past. Stay in your corner, carp and cavil away like you always did — the rest of us are entering an era of spiritual awakening! Do you not see that a new era has dawned, an age of grandeur?
GRUMBLER I knew it when it was this small, and it will become small again.
OPTIMIST How can you still deny it? Don’t you hear the jubilation? Don’t you see the rapture? How can any sentient heart be immune to it? Yours is the only one! Can you really believe that this great surge of emotion in the masses will not bear fruit, that this glorious overture will have no sequel? Those who rejoice today—
GRUMBLER —will lament tomorrow.
OPTIMIST Who cares about individual suffering? Or even individual life? At last man’s sights are raised again. He lives not only for material gain, but also—
GRUMBLER —for medals.
OPTIMIST Man does not live by bread alone.
GRUMBLER But waging war will mean running out of bread.
OPTIMIST There will always be bread! But we live in hope of final victory, of which there can be no doubt, and before which we—
GRUMBLER —shall starve to death.
OPTIMIST What loss of nerve! What a sorry figure you will cut one day! Don’t isolate yourself from such celebrations! The gates of the soul are thrown wide open. Memories of the days when we on the home front participated in the deeds and sufferings of the glorious fighting front, if only by reading the daily reports, will leave on the soul—
GRUMBLER —no scars.
OPTIMIST The nations will learn from this war only—
GRUMBLER —how to wage more wars in the future.
OPTIMIST The bullet has left the barrel, and mankind will—
GRUMBLER —feel it go in through one ear and out the other!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 5
At the Foreign Office.
COUNT LEOPOLD FRANZ RUDOLPH ERNEST VINCENZ INNOCENZ MARIA The ultimatum was tremendous! At last, at last!
BARON EDUARD ALOIS JOSEF OTTOKAR IGNAZIUS EUSEBIUS MARIA Stunning! To think they were that close to accepting it!
COUNT I’d have been livid! Fortunately we had those two little clauses, our right to conduct investigations on Serbian soil, and so on — and they couldn’t swallow that. So now they’ve only themselves to blame, the Serbs.
BARON If you think about it — because of two little clauses, over a trifle like that — the World War broke out — Hilarious, really!
COUNT We couldn’t possibly have omitted those two clauses. Why were they so dead set on not accepting those two clauses, the Serbs?
BARON Oh well, it was clear from the start that they wouldn’t accept.
COUNT We knew that in advance! Good old Poldi Berchtold, say what you like. Add to that, all of society now speaks with one voice. Tremendous! I ask you — what a feeling of elation! At last, at last! It was beyond endurance. Handicapped every step of the way. Well, life is going to be different now! This winter, the minute peace is declared, I’ll be whizzing along the Riviera.
BARON I’ll be happy if we can just whizz along the Adriatic.
COUNT You’re joking! The Adriatic is ours. Italy won’t lift a finger. So I tell you, the minute peace is declared—
BARON And when d’you think we’ll have peace?
COUNT Two weeks, three at the very most, I reckon.
BARON Don’t make me laugh!
COUNT What d’you mean? We’ll make short work of Serbia, my friend, very short work indeed. You’ll see how well our boys fight. Look no further than our dashing Sixth Dragoons! And they say a few society people are already at the front, think of that! Then there’s our artillery, first-rate! All working away in unison like crazy!
BARON But what about Russia?
COUNT The Russkis will be glad to be left in peace. Trust Conrad — he knows why he allowed them to take Lemberg. As soon as we’re in Belgrade, it’ll be a different story. Potiorek is terrific! I tell you, the Serbs are being torn apart! The rest will follow automatically.
BARON So when d’you really think — seriously—
COUNT In three, four weeks we’ll have peace.
BARON You were always a tremendous optimist.
COUNT So when d’you think, then?
BARON Nothing doing under two, three months! You’ll see. If all goes well, two. But my dear chap, it will have to go very, very well!
COUNT Well, excuse me, but lasting that long would be such a dreadful bore! Really charming! It couldn’t last that long, though, if only because of the food situation. Only the other day Frau Sacher was saying to me — You don’t think the food regulations will work, do you? Even at Demel they’re already worried if they can keep going. Charming, eh? — We’re already tightening our belts where we can, but in the long run — Ludicrous, can’t be done! Or d’you really think—?
BARON You know my opinion. I don’t put much faith in the hinterland. After all, we’re no Prussians, even if we are obliged to accept them as — only yesterday I was talking to Putzo Wurmbrand — y’know, the fellow who’s got little Marie Pallfy in tow — he’s Krobatin’s right-hand man, y’know, so super-patriotic — well, he says, when you start a defensive war — and he’s the one who persists in calling it a defensive war—