COUNT Wait a minute — are you saying it isn’t a defensive war then? Do leave off, you’re such a monumental defeatist! Have you already forgotten the predicament we were in? That we were, so to speak, compelled to strike back since our prestige was at stake et cetera—well, it seems to me — forgive me — but haven’t you forgotten the encirclement? — only yesterday I was talking to Fipsi Schaffgotsch, maybe he is a bit affected, being with that Bellgarde woman, but a really nice fellow — anyway, what was I going to say? — oh yes — isn’t it true we were forced to allow the Serbs to attack us at Temes-Kubin, so we could—
BARON What d’you mean?
COUNT What do I mean? Come off it! Don’t you know better than anyone that a Serbian attack at Temes-Kubin was essential — I mean, for us to be compelled to strike back—
BARON That goes without saying.
COUNT Well then, it wouldn’t have been essential otherwise, would it? Just like the German response when the French dropped bombs near Nuremberg! Well then — I mean to say — if that isn’t a defensive war!
BARON Well forgive me, but what did I say? As you know, I was the one who was for a trial of strength from the start, providing it proves decisive, so I couldn’t care less what you call it. A defensive war — that sounds as if you’re having to apologize. All’s fair in love and war, that’s what I say.
COUNT Well yes, you’re right. But that Poldi Berchtold, eh! What a dashing fellow, always is, always was, say what you like. You have to look and act the part in our business — and you’ve got to hand it to him! The way he gave them all the slip and stole off to Ischl to get the Emperor’s signature — they’d probably have tried to prevent the ultimatum! But he — well, tremendous! One coup after the other!
BARON Stunning! Never thought he’d bring it off like that. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly. The way he cut down attendance at the funeral and excluded the Russian Grand Duke, that was Poldi Berchtold all over.
COUNT Of course. It wasn’t his fault that Russia then interfered after all. If he’d had his way, the World War would have been confined to Serbia. Know what Poldi Berchtold has? Poldi Berchtold has what a diplomat in a world war needs above all else: savoir vivre! I was tremendously impressed the way he simply stuck those English idiots’ proposal inside his race-card — giving their gracious approval to our occupying Belgrade — what a mercenary bunch of hypocrites — and the way he comes up to the club afterwards — remember? — gives us that look and says: Let the army’s will be done! Came up trumps again, eh! You must admit that wasn’t easy, at such a momentous moment—
(A bell rings in an adjacent room, followed by)
BERCHTOLD’S VOICE Iced-coffee! (Sound of door closing.)
BARON I ask you — half past eleven! I ask you — half past eleven and he’s already ordering his iced-coffee! I must say, I’m tempted for once to — I confess I might just — iced-coffee, that’s really his strong point!
COUNT It’s maybe his only weakness! He adores iced-coffee! But you must admit, Demel’s iced-coffee — sheer perfection!
BARON Sunshine today — look outside — isn’t that great!
COUNT (opens and reads the text of a dispatch) — Reports that in Lemberg we’re still holding on—
BARON You see!
COUNT Our own Poldi Berchtold — you know what I mean (drops his voice and continues reading dispatch) — Reports that in Lemberg we’re still holding on — retracted — oh, what the heck, it’s always the same thing — what a bore — I’m sick and tired of it — (crumples the paper up) — what was I going to say? — the more I think about the situation — all in all — I think a little intimate supper out of town with Steffi might be just the thing tonight.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 6
In front of a hairdressing salon in the Habsburgergasse. A crowd of people, very agitated.
CROWD Down with ’im! Smash everything!
FIRST INDIVIDUAL FROM THE CROWD (trying to appease crowd) But my good people, the man had done nothing! The violin shop owner next door is his enemy—
VIOLIN SHOP OWNER (harangues the crowd) He’s a Serb! He’s guilty of an offence — a comment he made against an eminent personage! I heard it myself in person!
HAIRDRESSER (wringing his hands) I’m innocent — I’m a court hairdresser — why on earth would I want to—
SECOND INDIVIDUAL You can see from his name he’s a Serb, take his shaving mugs and bash ’im over the head—
THIRD INDIVIDUAL Lather his face! Down with ’im! Down with the Serb cutthroat!
CROWD Down with ’im—! (They wreck the salon.)
(The historians Friedjung and Brockhausen appear at the corner in conversation.)
BROCKHAUSEN Only today I contributed a fitting comment to the press on this very theme — with compelling logic I refuted a priori any comparison of our people with the French or English rabble. You might want to use the passage in your own work, my dear Friedjung, I place it at your disposal. Here it is: “The conviction which inspired and brought comfort and encouragement to those well versed in history as being the quintessence of historical wisdom, namely that barbarism shall never achieve final victory — that conviction was instinctively assimilated by the population at large. Certainly, the cheap and unsavoury patriotism of the howling mob has never made itself heard on the streets of Vienna. There was no outburst of mass hysteria, however short-lived. Since the war began, this ancient German state has made the most attractive virtues of the German people its own: unwavering self-confidence and deep-rooted faith in the victory of a good and just cause.” (He hands him the extract.)
FRIEDJUNG A truly excellent appraisal, my dear Brockhausen, one that hits the bull on the head and takes the nail by the horns. I shall make a note and mark it well. And by Jove, here we have an example straight away! A patriotically inspired crowd giving expression to their feelings with due moderation, a velvet hand in an iron glove, as befits the Viennese tradition. The immediate cause may well be found in the name Habsburgergasse. Evidently the gathering in its artless way wanted to pay homage to the name, just as they would have had every reason to demonstrate in the Babenbergerstrasse in Leopold’s time.
BROCKHAUSEN (uncertainly) But all the same, it appears to me—
FRIEDJUNG (uncertainly) All the same, it is somewhat strange—
BROCKHAUSEN The good people are making quite a noise.
FRIEDJUNG At any rate, more than what is traditionally right and proper.
BROCKHAUSEN One mustn’t forget, the reason for their excitement is justified. Who was it said—
FRIEDJUNG Since the day our august monarch called thousands, nay, tens of thousands of our sons and brothers to the colours, the merry throng here by the mighty river of the Nibelungs does indeed seem to be in a state of ferment and turmoil. And yet, “though the juice bubbles madly in fermentation—”
BROCKHAUSEN The days when they called themselves Phaeaceans are past. “Time’s humming loom—”
FRIEDJUNG Oh look, presumably they all want to go into that hairdressing salon. He’s an official court hairdresser and the innocent spirit of the people doubtless thinks—
CRIES FROM THE CROWD “That’s him seen to!” “Rat-a-tat-tat — and that’s that” “Damned Serb — bastard!” “Shave those Serb shits with the broken bits!” “The sponge’ll do my old woman!” “I’ve saved all the bottles of perfume!” “Let’s have some!” “Jesus, look at the beautiful white coat!” “Go on, lend me one of the sprays!” “Gott strafe England!” “The bastard’s got away!”