BOY Please, sir, I need to, it’s urgent.
TEACHER Wait for better times. You would set a bad example to your classmates. The Fatherland is in urgent need, too. Let that be an example, now is the time to hold out.
(Two boys raise their hands.)
TEACHER What is it, Wunderer major and Wunderer minor, Karl and Rudolf?
BOTH Please, sir, we would rather drive our nails into the Iron Post.
TEACHER Sit down! Shame on you! There is no more room for nails on the emblematic Iron Post. But if you work hard, the Iron Warrior shall become such an emblem, a landmark and talking point for your children and your children’s children.
KOTZLIK Please, sir, Merores keeps pushing me!
MERORES That’s not true, he called me a Jew, I’m going to tell my dad, he’ll write to the Tagblatt, then you’ll be for it!
TEACHER That’s enough, Kotzlik and Merores, don’t forget: United we stand! Turn to the text in our reader: “Hymn of Hate Against England.” Merores, stay on your feet and answer my question: what’s the name of the poet who wrote this poem?
MERORES I know, it’s Frischauer.
TEACHER Wrong. Sit down.
BOY (whispers) Lissauer.
TEACHER Praxmarer, if you prompt again, I’ll make you write out Hofmannsthal’s Prince Eugene. Now I’ve lost the thread.
Some boys rush to the teacher’s lectern and search under it.
TEACHER What are you looking for?
BOYS The thread, sir. Sir said he had lost the thread.
TEACHER Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t mean figuratively, but literally.
BOY Perhaps you’d like my guideline, sir—
TEACHER Wottawa, you haven’t understood me either. I can see none of you are up to it. I wanted to test you on the “Hymn of Hate”, but I’ll let you off that for today. By tomorrow I want you to have prepared the ideals required by the grandeur of the age, for I won’t be able to make any more allowances. What would the district school inspector think if he pays us a visit and you go on like this? Now that you should be out promoting the second war loan, it’s even more of a duty not to fall short of expectations. So, be sure you have the “Hymn of Hate” off by heart by tomorrow! I can only repeat and repeat again: Hold out, do your bit, promote the war loan, collect scrap metal, bring out your gold lying idle in your treasure chests! But I’ll be lenient with you today, so back to the tourist trade. It must be promoted! I’ve already explained to you why now, of all times, tourism must not be neglected. Although the stormy blast of war is sweeping over our country, while our august monarch has called thousands and tens of thousands of our sons and brothers to arms, nevertheless the first stirrings of a growth in the tourist trade can be observed. So let us never lose sight of this lofty ideal. There is a beautiful story in your reader entitled A River of Gold. No, we won’t do it now, rather let us strike up the old song you learnt in the days of peace, do you remember?
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Well, Habetswallner?
BOY Please, sir, I know: “In a Wondrous Country Inn.”
TEACHER Wrong!
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Well, Braunshör?
BOY “True and Honest Ever Be.”
TEACHER No! Shame on you!
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Well, Fleischanderl?
BOY “To Wander Is the Miller’s Joy.”
TEACHER Sit down!
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Well, Zitterer?
BOY “Off We Go to Far-off Places.”
TEACHER Sit down! We can’t go to far-off places right now, people there should come to us!
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Süssmandel, do you know?
BOY Please, sir, may I go out?
TEACHER What are you thinking of, didn’t I tell you we can’t do that now, neither in the classroom nor when you go out into life. So, none of you knows the song?
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Anderle, do you?
BOY “What Need Have I of Goods or Gold.”
TEACHER Go and sit at the back! Where did you learn that? Shame on you, Anderle! I see you’ve forgotten it in this age of steel. Isn’t it the dear old song you all sang when you were learning your vowels? Shame on you! Let me take up my fiddle and you’ll all soon be singing along.
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER Well, Sukfüll, are you going to put the class to shame?
SUKFÜLL “Promote the Tourist Trade!”
TEACHER Good boy, Sukfüll, you’ve put the whole class to shame. I’ll tell your father so he can congratulate you.
(He takes up his fiddle and the class joins in singing.)
A a, Ha ha! Here come tourists, hallelujah!
We’re not broke, we’re up and running,
Now we see the tourists coming,
A-a, Ha ha! Here come tourists, hallelujah!
E e, He-he! Don’t your lordships all agree?
Classy cabs and classy lassies,
Come and see their classy chassis.
E e, He-he! Don’t your lordships all agree?
I i, Aye-aye, our love of loot we’ll gratify.
Don’t be stingy, for your pleasure
Pay through the nose, though at your leisure.
I i, Aye aye, our love of loot we’ll gratify.
O o, Oh ho, waltz away, quick, quick, slow,
Happy city, now we’ve found you,
“Wiener Blut” flows all around you.
O o, Oh ho, waltz away, quick, quick, slow.
U u u, our hearts will welcome you.
To Vienna, land of song
For evermore, so come along,
U u u, our hearts will welcome you.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 10
Café Pucher. The ministers are gathered together.
EDUARD (to Franz) We’re still missing the Muskete, the Floh and the Interessante—
(Enter five others; they sit down at a neighbouring table. The Prime Minister turns to the Minister of the Interior.)
OLD MAN BIACH As I live and breathe, he said something about a bomb—
EDUARD (brings the illustrated magazines) Beg pardon, Excellency, have you finished with the Bombe?
BIACH Ah—
THE OTHERS (among themselves) What did he say?
BIACH Nothing — I was wrong.
HONORARY COUNSELLOR (to his neighbour) Interesting — in today’s Tagblatt it says—
(The waiter Franz comes to their table. In turn, cries of “Double cream for me!” “With skin for me, and more milk!” “Weak and milky and the six o’clock edition!” “Filtered cappuccino!”)
HONORARY COUNSELLOR And a Mélange for me, no wait, I think I’ll have a small Gold for a change, and the Presse.
BIACH (picks up the Neue Freie Presse) Magnificent!
THE OTHERS What’s up?
BIACH Look, I find that impressive! For the past 14 days he’s been celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of the Presse, it’s always the headline, then come accounts of the Battle of Lemberg with eyewitness impressions. That tells you at least that there are still some happy events in Austria. After all, it is an event there’s never been the likes of before. The bulwark of liberal German mentality, morality, and culture, no less, and all the prestigious names offering congratulations — just look at that — hold on — three, four, no five full sides. Everyone vying with each other to congratulate, even the highest in the land are not hanging back.